Puck — December 17, 1879 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. THE LUCKY MAN. Sue was BeautiruL AND ACCOMPLISHED Berore MarrtaGe— PROHIBITION PROVERBS. VENGEANCE is mine, saith the inquisitor. PERSECUTION covereth a multitude of sins. Tue Maine preventive is the main preventive. Turks must drink more than Christians— they're so much wickeder. Persuasion needeth brains and pains, but prohibition necdeth numbers only. ‘Tue righteous is bold as a lion; and the gar- ment of the inquisitor is a lion's skin. A Majority ¢an jump upon a minority, and majorities are fond of jumping. It is a noble exercise. Breruren, cultivate beards. They help to lengthen the face and to disguise the carnal expression. Wuen thou drinkest, enter into the pantry and shut the door. Avoid the cellar, for pota- toes have eyes. Pious words are less troublesome than pious deeds, and don’t suggest comparisons that may offend the saints. Ir is the business of the magistrate, not of the Creator, to punish luxurious living. It is nobody’s business to punish crime. ‘Tue wine-bibber saith that his are the strong- est arguments. This is foolishness—fines and imprisonment are the strongest arguments, SEND the poor unto the Samaritan and the publican, This preserveth the substance of the saints, and taketh from the substance of sinners, He who drinketh on the sly may drink much or little. He who drinketh openly is bound to make a beast of himself, that his example may deter others. Encourace adulteration: it increaseth drunk- enness, Cherish drunkards: they are our ar- guments, Persecute moderate drinkers: they are our refutation, PRACTICE teetotalism of the eyes by turning them heavenwards as you pass a bar-room; of the tongue, by maligning the ungodly; of the ears, by listening at the keyholes of rum-shops; of the nose, by sniveling unctuously; of the whole face, by lengthening it two inches when you pass a deacon or a sinner. Rus is our scape-goat. Don’t give the un- clean beast a chance to improve. Pile on him all the sins of the people; kick him out into the wilderness, and pass on another goat. Tuere és virtue ina name. Let us call pro- hibition “temperance,” and our inquisition the “ Holy Office.” ‘The mediaeval inquisition took the same name, and flourished under it. INTOXICATION resulteth from rum. Cut off the cause; pardon the effect. N. B.—This rea- soning applies to rum alone. Only a heathen logician would suggest extending it to slander, or violence, or anything else. Drunkenness causeth all crime; rum caus- cth drunkenness; sugar-cane maketh rum; nig- gers grow sugar-cane. Hang the Ethiopian! This is a chain of reasoning. The reasoning of the inquisition hath always consisted of chains. It is expedient, beloved inquisitors, to ac- count for the disappearance of the Eleventh | Commandment, ‘ Thou shalt not drink—be- fore the face of thy fellow-men.” It was knocked off the table by Moses in a fit of drunk- enness. Verily, it was a chip of the old block. F. Brake Crorton. DEATH IN THE POT. Our American Cook. THREE SONNETS. ON THE HIGH C, FTTIMES [ listened to some singer's note, Ashe, or she, soared up along the scale, With hope, although I'd seen a thousand fail, That I might hear the high C from that throat; Bat few such cases can I truly quote, For, ere the singer's voice has caught the knack Of soaring up so high, it’s sure to crack. Such skill to soar can ne'er be learned by note. Few are the human voices which can float Around high C, though they strive oft and long: While all beyond, within the realms of song, For mortal effort 1s much too remote: Scarce can we hope the time will ever be When human voice shall go beyond the C. A BAR. Tue toper, when he rises from his bed With bleary eyes and highly colored nose, As swiftly as he can puts on his clothes, ‘And hurries forth to ease his throbbing head. The lawyer, lest his client may be bled By other folk, gets up a mighty speech With which unto the Judge the law to teach, And seeks the place where oft before he's plead: The singer, in her dainty robes arrayed, With song in hand steps forth upon the stage, And, when the prelude to her song’s been played, She quickly turns unto the printed page: And, though these peoples’ aims quite diffetentare, Yet each of them is looking for a bar. B SHARP. As years roll on and boy approaches man, ‘The mother’s apron-string is quick untied, And bold into the world the youngsters glide To win such victories a8 youngsters can: And so it’s been since first the world began. Sometimes they sally forth equipped with wealth, Sometimes they've naught but willing hands and health, Sometimes they have, sometimes have not, a plan: Yet friends, who start them out upon the ro: Are always sure the youngsters to advise, And offer them of maxims quite a load; Such as, ‘be honest, prudent, shrewd, or wise;”” Bat friends, it will be found, do chiefly harp Upon one single never-changing tone: ‘*B sharp.” Artur Lor. NOTICE. Number 26 of Puck will be bought at this Office, No. 21 & 23 Warren St,, at 25 CENTS per copy. ‘peg In sending copies by mail please roll lengthwise. comicbooks.com