Puck — November 12, 1879 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. HARD LUCK. A saw-cy young man from Toronto To steal six thousands did want to; So he borrowed a saw, And then a chum saw, Who sawed for the man from Toronto. —Mark Twain, But the Hop Bitters man from Row-chester, Who, by the way, is not a jester, Just row-ped in the piles, And said, “wait a while,” Did this medicine man from Row-chester. —Burlington Hawkeye. Then a po-liceman from Ban-gor Said mister, you're breaking the law; So he just scooped him in And gobbled his “tin,” Did this po-liceman from Ban-gor, —Bangor Commercial, Have you asked for an extra blanket yet?— Boston Post, Lorrery advertisements should be written in blank verse.—Boston Commercial Bulletin, ANOTHER way to settle the Indian problem is to have all the white folks killed off.—Detroit Free Press. A Utica bootblack who was driven out of that city, claims consideration here as a polish refugee.—Syracuse Sunday Times, Tue Emperor William made a speech from the throne the other day, but we are confident he does not intend to lecture.—Os/ City Derrick, Wuen a lead-pencil drops from behind a man’s ear, it always lands on the point and the latter breaks off. If the pencil has no point, the pencil doesn’t drop.—. Y. Star, Ayysopy who wants a piece of pie out of which General Grant has taken one bite can have that souvenir by sending $75 to the head- waiter at the Palace.—San Francisco Post, AN eminent political economist has grave fears that the gradual extinction of the cannibal races is owing to the reckless and injurious adulteration of the missionaries.— Hawkeye. Tug housekeeping expenses of the Sultan are $10,000,000. But then it must be remem- bered that he pays for his plumber work by the day, and keeps a Newfoundland dog whose appetite couldn’t be better.—A/bany Journal. Tuere are only three things you can get for nothing in this world—air, water and advice. —Syracuse Herald. Oh! you are mistaken, The Zown Crier knows lots of people who have gotten good-for-nothing. — Balfimore Every Saturday. Noruinc in the world so thoroughly exaspe- rates your enterprising bill-poster as, after he has over night carefully adorned some empty packing-box with posters of a sheriff's sale and a dog-match, to pass by in the morning and find that the store porter has meanly turned the box upside down.—San Francisco Post, Mr. Herver, in his Hebrew try, sa} that “Man, born of woman, is of tacos aod full of trouble.” Perhaps Mr. Herder would like to suggest some new process by which man may be born other than “‘of woman.” If so, Mr. Herder has the floor.— Cincinnati Sat. Night. An exchange talks of “the land of rubber,” and the school-boy with a taste for geography or “What an easy country to bound.”— Phila, Bulletin, A younc man who lost a bet of oysters with three of his friends, said he wouldn't pay it unless he was four stew.— Cin, Sat, Night. He has since made a bet with nine of his friends, and says he in ten stew pay this time if he loses.— Free Press. “ Have you ever seen “ Pinafore,” Mr. Sul- livan?” “No, never.” ‘ “What, never ?”” “Well, as Mr. Gilbert said once when I asked the questions and he did not see what I was laughing at—‘Veryseldom.’"—W. ¥. World Interview. Tue union between Bismarck and Pope Leo is freely commented on in political circles. Mr. B, has promised His Holiness not to eat meat on Friday on the condition that the Pope will get privately married and join the Free Masons. Ifthis understanding is happily arrived at it is probable that other concessions will fol- low.—S. F, News-Letter, Wuat brought Grant home?” mysteriously demands a Missouri contemporary. We didn’t follow the game close, but he might have got in on a hard hit to centre field, or a hot liner to third, badly muffed, or a daisy-cutter out to left field; it's easy enough to get home when you are on third and have a lively hitter at the bat.— Hawkeye. Greece:—‘ You don't respect the treaty of Berlin!” ‘Turkey:—“ Yes, I do,” : Greece:—“ You think 'cause you're bigger’n me ye can impose on me, but I'll knock the stuffin’ out o’ ye some day.” ‘Turkey:—“ Never mind; I'll get yer some- time when ye haven't got yer crowd with ye, and then——""— Oil City Derrick. “Dat cullud pussun on de jury, him’s de man I objec’ to,” said a negro when put on trial in the Marion, S. C., Court the other day, ‘The black good man and true was unseated, and the prisoner given acquittal, After his re- lease the darkey was asked what he had against a juryman of his own color. ‘ Nuffin at al), boss,” said he, ‘‘ but, ye see, I knowed if I flattered de prejudus ob de odder jurymen dat I get off, an’ golly I did."—. H. Register. A piece of poetry written some years ago contains the line ‘I hear the muffled tramp o! years come stealing up the slope of Time.” This is all right and: probably suited the age in which it was written, but now-a-days it would be more appropriate to say: ‘I hear the ragged tramp of 27 years come shuffling up the gar- den walk, and I'll fly and lock the door be- fore he steals the overcoat in the hall.” Time works wondrous changes, and poetry must be made to fit the age in which we live.—Xome Sentinel, Tue Holyoke Manufacturer, of Holyoke (Mass.), comes to the front as a journal de- voted to the manufacturing interests of the United States, his is a handsome quarto of twenty-four pages, full of statistics about com- mercial and other matters, but with room to throw in that old lively collection of falsehoods about the many greatest wonders of the world to be found in America. Everybody, even in America, knows that the Mississippi is a drop in the bucket compared with the Amazon, and that the area of all our territory is but 3,500,000 square miles; yet the Holyoke Manufacturer comes up smiling with the delightful news that the Mississippi is the largest river in the world, and that its valley contains 5,000,000 square miles. Why not 10,000,000? - It costs nothing to invent, and the figures look rounder.—S. /, News Letter. * Courtney's song: Hop bitter is my lot! How could those. fellows do it? They sawed my boat in two, and no one there to glue it.” —Syracuse Herald, No one objects to seeing the Indian summer here, but out in Colorado they say they would rather see the Indian somewher’ else.—New Bedford Standard, Some Democratic editors, who wanted the last Congress to abolish the army, are now howling because there are not thirty thousand soldiers at each spot where there are one hundred and fifty Indians. As it would only require about 300,000,000 soldiers to scatter them, it is a wonder the government doesn’t pacify these howlers by cutting up our army of 20,000 into small armies of thirty thousand each and put them where they will do the most good. If the Secretary of War can’t distribute the army in the manner suggested, let him re- sign.— Norristown Herald. Tue summer is past. The harvest is ended, The vacation is over. ‘The summer parties are broken up, and the summer friends have gone home. ‘The ducks we shot are still flying around, happy as the ducks we did not shoot, The trout we caught are growing in weight and size from day to day. ‘The memories of mount- ain and forest and sea linger to fill the coming winter days with the grace of summer sunshine, No more the fond mosquito winds his mellow horn; the black ant haunts alone the long de- serted picnic-grounds, no good man settles on his sand-built nest. The grape smiles out in ruddy bloom where erst the strawberry mocked the languid pocket-book. ‘The sound of the “agricultural horse-trot ” is heard in the land, as the honest horseman wanders from fair to county fair, enters his horse in all the races, under as many different names as there are counties in the United States. Again the agri- cultural associations are making enough money on the gambling privilege to pay the premiums on needle-work and sausage on the hoof. Gone is the salmon-rod; gone is the book of the flies; gone is the internal economy of the pocket- book; gone are several things. ‘The breezes of September sigh dreamily through the rustling blades of the ripened corn, and the wide lec- ture field smiles with the promise of harvest. We have been home about twenty-four hours— hallo! train time already? ‘Time we were off for Colorado.— Burlington Hawkeye. ~ Mothers with sickly, feetful, nursing children, will cure the child and benefit themselves by taking Hop Bitters daily. Camp Meetings as they are. A new Edition of Pu , containing above Cartoon, has been published. Copies can be had of all Newsdealers, Beware of Counterfeits and Imitations! BOKER’S BITTEBS. The best Stomach Bitters known, containing most valu- able medicinal properties in allcases of Bowl complaints; a sure specific against Dyspepsia, Fever and Ague, &c. A fine cordial initself, if taken pure. It is also most excelient for mixing with other cordials, wines, &c. Comparatively the cheapest Bitters ia existence. L FUNKE, POND'S EXTRACT owes its wonderful success to m alone. It is now acknowledged as a standard remedy, and is largely used by physicians in their every-day practice. Not a day passes without the "company" receiving some grateful acknow- ledgment particularly from persons cured of the following diseases: Sore Eyes, Bleeding from the Lungs, Stomach and Womb, Piles, bleeding, Catarrh, Rheumatism, etc. Beware of imita- for Pon's Exrnact—take no other. Volume. V. of “Puck,” Nos. 105-180 incl,. bound or unbound, for sale at PUCK OFFICE. comicbooks.com