Puck — November 5, 1879 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK, 555 We, the principal inhabitants of the roth precinct, enter our protest against the transfer of Captain Williams to our neighborhood. Those in favor say Bah! Assempty.—Bah! Barrh!—Carried unanim- ously. OUR RULERS. -E are a nation. ( This is shown in the way in which our overnment runs itself. Practically, we have no government at all just at present; and, as a matter of fact, we really don’t feel the loss. Indeed, it is a ques- tion whether we are not rather better off, as a people, when our President and his cabinet take it into their heads to wander forth to various parts of the country, far from the bustle and worry of Washington, yet not too far for remittances of salary to reach them. Their absence at least limits the amount of mischief to be done at Washington. We know that in their wanderings they may, at most, make fools of themselves. Their opportunities of making the nation ridiculous are more limited than when they are in the active exer- cise of their official functions. It is true that we pay them to serve us at the capital; but, it is only fair to say, it would be money in our pockets to pay them extra not to serve us, judging from the service we have so far received at their hands. And when they show an agreeable willing- ness to neglect their duty and leave us in peace, it were manifestly ingratitude to a kindly providence to quarrel with so desirable a dis- position on the part of our beloved rulers. There have been found people injudicious and short-sighted enough to obstruct the irre- sponsible roamings of these in authority by loudly urging that in case of any sudden emer- gency—any unexpected complication with a foreign power—it would be desirable to have ‘one or two officials at Washington to attend to the duties supposed to be confided to their charge. ‘Thoughtless objectors! Do you think that if some unlooked-for unpleasantness gave the British lion occasion to roar at our own bald and bumptious cagle, said lion would be in any way influenced to cease his rumbling men- ace by the spectacle of good Mr. Hayes, seated, proud and asthmatic, in the presidential chair, supported at the post of duty by Mr. McCrary on the right, Mrs. Hayes on the left, and the New Centreville Sons of Temperence in the back-ground? Do you think that the red man of the forest asks, before he draws his scalping-knife, whe- ther or no Mr, Carl Schurz be at work and Washington? Do you think that the diplomatists of Europe and Halifax will tremble in their boots at the idea that Mr, W. E. Evarts is at home among his dictionaries at No.t11,549 H-and-an-eighth St., Washington, D, C.? Do you think that the financial balance of the world is in the least disturbed by Mr. Sher- man’s drumming tours among the hard-money voters? Do you think that the navies of the world will grow unduly audacious because Mr. Thomp- son is not,at the helm of the solitary canal-boat in commission that represents the fleet of the United States? Do you think that the whole pack of picnick- ers are worth their salt, either as representa- tives of the people’s dignity or as managers of the public affairs? Nay, let us not disturb our rulers errant. Their dereliction does us no harm, and may do some good in various quarters of the country. Many a Kelly voter has listened in de- lighted awe to words that he couldn’t spell in a life-time, yet that dropped glibly as honey from the lip of Evarts; many an untutored In- dian has worn his belt of scalps more proudly because of the taffied eloquence of Mr. C. Schurz; many a rural pumpkin has blushed a golden red at the honor of a sniff from the nose of Mr. Hayes. By all means, let our rulers junket. UNCIVILISED. Tue Indians at Muskogee, Indian Territory, recently held a fair. The manner in which it was conducted painfully evidenced the Indian's lack of civilization and Christian influence. When a visitor entered their fair he was not in- continently surrounded by a-bevy of beautiful Pochahontases with books and pencils in their hands and rouge and powder on their faces, and urged to vote for a seven-octave sewing- machine for a poor old squaw with only one husband and eleven children; or for a pair of slippers for our beloved pastor; or for a six- teen-dollar baby-coach for the wife of the Sun- day-school superintendent. Nor was he per- mitted to pay fifty cents for five cents’ worth of pin-cushion; and they didn’t charge him twenty-five cents for a pint of warm water flav- ored with an oyster; and there was no persua- sive grab-bag swindle, and it is very doubtful if the untutored children of the forest cleared enough money to pay the minister’s back-salary, and lay up a few rifles and a stock of amuni- tion for a rainy day. ECONOMICAL MOVING. The Southern Exodus best known about the , beginning of the cold season, FITZNOODLE IN AMERICA. No, CXIL. FASHIONABLE JOUR- NALISM. Ya-as, as I we- marked wecently, the fact of my being engaged to Y be marwied to an Amerwican gyurl has cweated a we- markable sensation everwywhere, and the aw newspapahs that take a special interwest in such an important occurwence give parwagwaph aftah parwa- gwaph about it. ‘The information which they pwofess to have weccived fwom authentic sources is generally wong and widiculously exaggerwated. 321 don’t mean to say that they have said I am too wespectable or wich, but the long bow has been dwawn about othah points and particulahs which I cannot take the twouble to wemembah or weflect on at the pwesent moment. Aw ya-as, by the way, though my bwain has slightly wetained the impwession of two or thrwee items of aw historwical information wegarding Miss Marguerwite and myself. Some papah he-ah, supposed to wesemble the Morning Post or the Court Fournal, but miser- wably unlike them, pwinted that I was a ne-ah welation of Queen Victorwia, the Pwince of Wales, and naturwally all the othah membahs of the woyal family. Now, I was wathah surpwised that such a weport should have been spwead, because it simply isn’t twue, and I cahnt say I felt in the least degwee flatterwed by being put down in the categorwy of one of the Bwunswick twibe, of whom I am not at all an admirwah. Jack Carnegie will not agwee with me—aw it is the only point on which I diffah fwom him —but aw then Jack, yer see, is an officer in the Household Bwigade, in a cwack wegiment, and is verwy pwopably pwejudiced in favah of the weigning family, Fwankly, I don’t like them, and do not think they are stwictly English, having come to the thwone, by the merewest accident, fwom some wetched place in Germany that I think has been erwased fwom the maps on account of its twifling importance. It was also witten that my pwoperty nearly covered the same extent as Bute’s and West- minster’s, This is an erwah; but, as it is too much twouble to contwadict, and as it is verwy bad form to wush into a contwoversy with a news- papah, I shall let the mattah west. I see Langtwy, Cornwallis West and Bertie Wales have been having a wow in-London with some pwinted perwiodical—and the arwange- ment will act as a deterwent to me, as the pwintah’s devil—stwange name—and the pwoof-weadah have been sent to pwison for pwinting something, I believe. Securwing no- torwiety in this mannah is not agweeable to me, and I’m aw surpwised that Langtwy should have waised the question. I have a verwy stwong impwession that Langtwy is a bit of a noodle, and West, I should say, would have had more sense than to have got mixed up with jurwies and barwistahs. Some day I shall wite about what New York newspapah corwespondents say in the countwy journals of the aw weceptions and aw balls in the city, and the fellaws and females whom they meet when they dwop in anywhere to have a chat. It will be wathah pwovocative of amusement I think aw, comicbooks.com