Puck — May 21, 1879 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 163 FRESH FIELDS AND PASTURES NEW. BOU Ben Beecher, may his tribe de- crease, awoke one night from a deep dream of the Mahomedan heaven, with concomitant houris, and said: «Twill go to Canada.” For the Brooklyn bonanza was exhausted, The horns of the altar of Plymouth Church had been transferred to the head of every available husband, and the marital revolver loomed up as a possibility of the immediate fu- re. mail men, even all Brooklyn men, are not Til- tons. There are husbands who are bloated monopolists, They resent, with a Colt’s re- volver, the intrusion of competitive amatory talent. They have no reverence for the pas- toral prerogative, They refuse to go divvy on their spouses. So that, in the end, the Plymouth pasturage begins to get wofully sparse and dry, and Abou Ben Beecher is fain to try the quality of Cana- dian complaisance, unless he is willing to be reduced to old maids—or chastity. ‘And so Henry goes over the border. Osten- sibly to celebrate the Queen’s birthday; really to celebrate his own, Let us briefly sketch a few of the immediate consequences of this move. The revolver market already shows signs of activity. Good seven-shooter 32-calibre Colts are quoted at $10.50 to $12.75. Single-barreled Derringers, hair-spring, $7 6 $8. Small 22- cal. cast-steel, such as are given as premiums by the religious weeklies, range from: $3.25 @ $5. Heavy old-fashioned long-range revoivers find a ready sale @$15—$18. Market lively, with steadily increasing demand. Locksmiths are doing a heavy business. Combination padlocks go off readily @ $3— $4. Plain heavy bolts have risen from 37c. to 78c.—8oc. There is much inquiry for horse-whips, and cow-hides are in unusual demand. ‘The drygoods market is also looking up, ow- ing to a sudden decline in the “‘low-necked” fashion, The retail market has been, however, rather injured by the peculiar and parsimo- nious behavior of many married men, who in- sist on accompanying their wives on shopping expeditions, and who systematically discourage tasteful and attractive dressing. The ecclesiastical business is terribly de- pressed. Pew-holders are a drug in the mar- ket. Seats in the most fashionable churches in Toronto and Ottawa are to be had for a song. Several well-known clergymen have already be- gun to take their summer vacations—at the ur- gent request of their attached parishioners, The newspapers are making preparations for avery busy season, and there has been a de- cided rise in the wages of competent short- hand reporters, accustomed to court service. Good interviewers, who have had experience in dealing with irritated husbands, are also getting increased pay. In the law-courts great activity is already apparent. ‘The presiding justices are doing their best to clear off the dockets, in order to get in readiness for future business; and divurce- lawyers are refusing small cases, in anticipation of heavy calls hereafter. The vice-regal court has been much affected by the announcement of the approaching ar- rival. The maids of honor are being drilled by Colonel Littleton, and go daily through the manual of arms, ‘The movements most in use are “ Prepare to repel boarders!” and “ Right about Face!” The Sheltering-Arms Association of Ottawa and Toronto are making extensive alterations in their hospitals and nurseries, and the Ottawa branch has just put in five creches where only One was used before. The toy-trade is waking up in a’most remark- able manner. Children’s rattles are freely sold; and small Noah's arks and other semi-religious playthings are going off like hot cakes. ‘The demand for upholstery is slight, except in the item of small lounges; those in crimson reps being most marketable. Juries being formed from every class of society, and are asking very high figures for heir services. First-class juries, sworn to acquit, will command from $1,200 to $2,400. Cheaper varieties, arranged only to disagree, may be had from $300 to $600. Such are a few of the effects produced upon the body politic, social and mercantile, of Canada by the announcement of the visit of Abou Ben Beecher, the great prophet of Brook- lyn, the man who is written down in the book of angels as The Busy B, of Brooklyn's family hives, Who “ loves his fellow-men”'—and loves their wives. “STORK"-ING FOR THE PRESIDENCY. HE politicians are very busy now-a-days in raking up out of obscurity a “next President.” The hat is being vigorously passed around to pay for a monster reception to Grant on his return to these shores and to start him once more on the Presidential track, Everybody is invited to chip in, biggest con- tributors to get the fattest offices. Our very est. contemp., the N. Y. Sun, re- cently tried to fire the public heart with several columns of its Sunday type in favor of General Palmer of Illinois; but the public heart wouldn't fire worth a cent in the Palmer direction, It is also asserted that John Sherman, with a smile of self-admiration that would have done honor to Sim Tappertit, regards himself as the com- ing man, While from the fusilade we hear in the distance some skirmishing seems to be going on among the pickets in favor of Messrs. Washburne, David Davis, Bristow and others. As to whether Ben Butler is also in the field as a candidate is one of those things no fellow can find out; for nobody knows which way Ben is looking. Yet with all these candidates being brought into the light by their respective henchmen, the most prominent American —officially—i. quietly passed over, and troieh the light of day shines on him, he is invisible in the glare of the dark lanterns of his party. We refer, of course, to little Mr. Hayes. What has he done that he should not be put up for another term? ‘To be sure he wrote a letter in which he said one term would satisfy him; but then he also wrote something about his heart bleeding for the “pore African.” He crawfished out of the African business, can’t he scuttle back out of the one term statement? At politician's perjuries Jove laughs, and we advise Bro, Hayes to go into the field as a can- didate. He would doubtless be supported by Private Secretary Rogers, which, though little, is something to start on, And now that Puck has called public attention to him, who knows but somebody else may second Priv, Sec. Rogers? As the theatrical advertisements say “would like to hear from Geo, Francis ‘Train; Daniel Pratt, G. A. T.; or Susan B, Anthony, Esq.” A RHYME OF THE DAY. Now is the season of love and light, When thoughts of a summer suit Follow by day and haunt by night ‘The fashionable galoot. When the little maid, for a little love, Casts aside her infantile doll, And flaunts in the face of heaven above A striped parasol. LET PAPA COOPER SHOW HIS HAND. |T seems to be a settled fact—the why and wherelore of which is one of those things ~ which no fellow can find out—that the city of New York cannof have a good municipal government. Either its Mayors are political machines i: tent rather upon boosting up their partisan interest than on enforcing the city ordinaiices; or else they are incapables, During these later years the latter class has generally hobbld into the Mayor’s chair—and may the Lord deliver us from any more of them! Of the two we prefer rather an energetic political trickster, than a vacillating dummy, compared to whom a tin weather-cock is a model of firmness and stability. ‘The spectacle afforded by Mayor Cooper's ground and lofty tumbling around official re- movals and appointments during the past three months would have disgraced a country town meetin’, or even an American Temperance League. The way he flip-flapped out of one trap only to be swallowed, head, body and boots, by another; his “‘india-rubber-man” act, in which he demonstrated into how many con- tortions and distortions he could twist his offi- cial body, have disgusted the entire community regardless of party, sect, or previous condition ot municipal servitude, It was understood that Mr. Cooper was a “combination” Mayor; if that is so we de- voutly trust the key to this sort of a combina- tion will be lost so completely that no future Dr. Schliemann will ever dig it up again into the light of politics. It is not a pleasant thing to review the brief but significant record of the present Mayor, and we don’t propose to do it i extenso; but it is very easy to sum up the results in one short paragraph. Mr. Mayor Cooper has succeeded in disgust- ing tne public; angering the press, almost without exception; and in driving our beloved board of Aldermen almost to the verge of des- traction. And he has pleased nobody. This is the recurd of a ‘‘ combination” Mayor for the first four months, And yet press, people and politicians only growl at their municipal execution. They do nothing. Z%ey can't, It remained for one emi- nent citizen alone to be active in this matter, We cannot say he comes to the front, for he is behindhand in his efforts; but it is to the venerable Peter Cooper, LL.D., that the hopes of the people are turned at this crisis. We thank the revered Peter Cooper for his Institoot; we stick fondly to his gloo; we gladly listen to his glowing words upon tem- perance and endless chains from the recesses of his air-cushion; but as to raising sons—es- pecially political sons—we do think that Peter has, so to speak, petered out. We trust it may prove that we are mistaken, But it seems to us that the great institutor is neglecting his obvious duty. Here is a whole community forced to expend its wrath in vain mouthings, while the naughty boy in the May- or’s office urges on his wildly idiotic career, unchecked and unreproached. Let Peter Cooper check him and reproach him, With the palm of his hand. Let him ride into the lists with his bounding air-cushion, let him boldly tackle his obstrepe- rous progeny, and appeal to the youth’s funda- mental ideas of propriety. Let pare stal fire be in his eye, and parental firmness stilfen the cuticle of his open palm. Let his wrath be so swift and sure, and his aim so precise, that while the subject of his at- tentions may not, like the man in the play, “consider himself kicked,” the public may con- gratulate itself upon the fact that he has, ere this, been pretty effectually spanked. Let Papa Cooper show his hand, comicbooks.com