Puck — April 16, 1879 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

84 PUCK. THE ELOPEMENT.—A TALE: From win- Dow ope There hung A rope, By which To slope. ‘Their pa- Rents said ‘They must ‘Not wed, Quoth he, «Let's fly To pai Son nigh." Quoth she, “Ayel Aye!” Without A sound She reached The ground, Her lov- One night Ex found. She rose, Took her Best clothes, While Pop Did doze. They fled, Were wed; All's said. AntuuR Lot. LECTURE, “ULTIMATE AMERICA,” By REV. JOSEPH COOK. [BY OUR SPECIAL REPORTER.] LADSTONE says, and I repeat it boldly and fearlessly, that twelve is more than eleven!!! I am in the presence of scholars [approving nod from the scholars], and it is with bated breath I make this state- ment. Bear it well in mind, for on this it is that I base the astounding ideas TO BE AD- VANCED THIS EVENING!!! As I sat in my study in Water Street, in BOSTON, nota long while since, holding in right hand a long and affectionate lett r from Dickens—no, he's dead—from Cxsar—not from him either, but from Thomas Carlyle, in my left hand a copy of that vile, filthy and vulgar sheet, the New York World, I mused as became ME to muse. I Repeat, anpD Dare a SuccessruL Contra- piction, I MUSED over the dead of my generation. Beside the graves of that genera- tion let us muse, [All muse.] Caesar's Empire WAS NOT AS LARGE AS THE Unitep States!!!! Oh, Ultimate, Ultimate America. Beside the graves of the departed and fast thinning gen- eration I say this. YET WHO DARE CONTRA- picT?INNIII!!- In a recent conversation with Ruth. Hayes and Carl Schurz, Hayes said that as soon as Conkling and Blaine were arrested, imprisoned, or banished, all would be well. ‘The other day, while enjoying a social game of seven-up with that pure and gentle poet, Jim Lowell, 1 said, “Jim, let's take a drink.” Tears bedimmed his gentle and pure orbs, as in faliering accents he replied: “I'm your huckleberry.” Dogs THis NoT PROVE THar AS WE HAVE GREAT River SySTEMs, WE MUST, AND I say IT BOLDLY, wave PLENIY OF WatTertitiliitt Ak! Ultimate, Ultimate Ame- tica, By the grave of the departed let us muse. Carlyle, Macaulay, Mills, Gladstone, Huxley, ‘Tyndall, Tom. Paine, Webster, Jefferson (all friends of mine), from the dim and shadowy dimness of the misty dim distance, beckon us on in this noble road. I FoR one, THOUGH ALOWE AND FRIENDLESS, SHALL FOLLOW IN THEIR FOOTSTEPS! I AM A LONE ORPHAN AND MY STRONG RIGHT ARM IS GONE (caused by the f, t. g.—fast thinning generation). YET, I say RIGHT HERE, I AM PROUD OF AMERICA, AND HAD RATHER BE AN AMERICAN, CONTEMPTIBLE AS WE ARE, THAN TO BE AN AFRICAN!!!!! (Thunder upon thunder of applavse for the man’s bold- ness.) By the graves of the f. t.g. let us muse. Ah! Ultimate, Ultimate, Ultimate America. I shudder to think of you in the year 12326. Yet I give no date. I could if I would, but time forbids, say in ten or twelve thousand years, with the population 927 to the square- inch. I shudder fall the scholars shudder] to think of the crowding there will be. I say iT BOLDLY, THERE WOULD THEN BE A CROWD!!!!! Section of a Conntry Exchange of Paragraphic Tendencies. bts bearing ak ew eee Tacs I rapes greceteu pion eae a fess apnea ood Cin ee ra Bare yoo ted tT £. Lo Starvis'e jou val tion rte This is the sort of thing that our Exchange Editor is constantly exposed to. may live till then, and will then ponder over my present speaking. Civil Service REFORM must come, yet until this weary heart, sad with long musing over the departed Beneration, finds a home in some fat— fat— No—I am NOT a candidate for any office—all is Bap, AND Rerorat 1s A SHAM!!! Yet I HAD RATHER BE AN AMERICAN WITH A GOOD THING UNDER HAYES, THAN TO BR, AN Arrican!!!!!_ By the graves of the departed and fast thinning gencration let us muse. America is dear to me. O//// how dear. As dear ‘as the ruddly blood which swashes in and out of this sad, sad heart of mine.” Again seated in study, within a stone’s-throw of Jim Lowell, I drempta dream. I say BotpLy, I was NOT ASLEEP! "Tis ONLY A POETICAL AND METAPHORICAL WaAY,I HAVE OF CALLING ATTEN- TION TO ENDING OF THIS RAMBLING DISCOURSE. So here goes for something exquisitely fine, the result of xsthetic culture and long musing over the f.t.g. 1 saw three Bummers come shuffling into a warm and gigantic bar-room: their throats were parched with a long and enforced temperance. For the NECTAR of the gods they longed. Without it life became but as a mockery. Alas! can such things be in America? The black angel trusted their promises not. “No soap, no drink!” was his jeering reply. They parsed sadly, madly, out, and from the streets and doors came the fiendish laugh of ten thousand times ten thousand gamins and ill- natured men. ‘This teaches the distribution of property. They would have been EFficient, but had not SUFficient wealth!!! Lam about to leave you soon, soon, soon—soon Joseph Cook will be heard no more. his sad heart this weary brain be rested!! AM Ultimate, Ultimate, Ultimate America Exeven hundred young Irishmen, all claim- ing the name McDonald, applied to the Sev- enth Avenue R. R. Company yesterday for car- driver's positions, Rupotpn, future Emperor of Austria, pro- mises to be an accomplished and scholarly sovereign. He is an excellent linguist, a good scientific student, and has fine literary abilities. —E£xchange. Yes, Rudolph, it’s all very fine, but unless you can walk your five hundred miles in six days and whistle “Pinafore” correctly, your chances of bossing successfully the Austro-Hungarian , method of expressing them. PARAGRAPHER AND PUBLIC. AWN E_have not heard from Mr. William Ebenezer since he received our reply a to his first communication; but while that answer was on the press, the genius of Ka- foozleum fivored us with a copy of his invalu- able publication, ornamented as shown above. From the broad pen-marks and the pictured index, accompanied by the touching marginal note, we infer that Mr. Ebenezer desires us to copy the paragraphic gem sandwiched between a patent-medicine advertisement and a puff of a grocery store: “If a ship's spanker should collide with a whale, | would he blubber?/ Answer, brothers.”* In response to this, we can only repeat the brief phrase that formed the leading motive, to speak in musical terms, of our article of two weeks ago, We Won't. « On that point Mr, William Ebenezer may make himself easy. Unless he can get the Bungtown Banner-of-Liberly to copy it, or un- less he chooses to forward it to the London Punch, that brilliant crystallization of the Ebenezerian wit must be lost to future genera- tions, We decline—respectfully but firmly de- cline—to give it a boost towards immortality, Perhaps, indeed, Mr. Ebenezer won't want us to do so—now. We fear our late deliverance has wounded his sensitive heart; for since it went’ forth we have heard no sound from:Ka- foozleum. But we have heard several other sounds from different directions. Respectable papers all bs | over the country have come forward to express will at last, thank God, find a resting place, | u P their concurrence in our sentiments and our We are only sorry that these solid and reputable journals have not found their voices before this time. We are very happy to do awork of this kind whenever it is to be done; but we cannot refrain from remarking that we don't clearly see why it has been left for us to do—unless our friends have been deterred by a fear that the slimy and slobbering Ebenezers of the profession might develop a snaky capacity for turning and biting if they should get the scotching they deserved. ‘Tuey have a London club called “Eve,” which is raising Cain. Both sexes are eligible to membership, but pretty girls and good- looking men are inevitably black-balled. We wouldn’t be a member of the horrid old club, [. [All the scholars admit it.] Some of my hearers | Empire are pretty sli anyhow,