Puck — March 5, 1879 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

12 PUCK. “Young man,” said she, ‘I don’t believe as there is any such place.” ASH popes my honor, I agree with her. The reflection made by my lady friend upon this wonderful adventure was, I thought, very characteristic of her sex: ‘‘I wonder what-that guard could have thought of us, who imagined us to be bound for the Maypole as it really is!"” Puck's Firchanges. Wuo will Caffre ‘England now ?— Chicago Tribune. Ir is wicked to steal even another man’s lie. —Rochester Express. Tue small-boy is never proud of his tore clothes.—Pitisburgh Telegraph. Cincinnati is not the Paris of America. It is the Ham-burg.— Canton Repository. Is there a paid fire department in the other world or not ?— Wheeling Leader, Bees are said to be a preventive of small-pox, being a sort of waxy-nation.— Yonkers Gazette, Anp now California talks of seceding. If it does go, we hope it will still be a Pacific slope. —Boston Transcript. Tuey hang men so scientifically in Ohio that the culprit doesn’t know his head is off till he tries to sneeze.— Camden Post. * Iv any man doubts that resumption is a fact, we refer him to the the lining of his trousers pockets.— Bridgeport Standard, Atone exhibition. A poor female of thirty years or thereabouts who has never received an Offer of marriage.— Albany Argus. It’s bad enough for the niece to eat it, but it’s worse to see the antidote on arsenic.—W. ¥, News. Tuere is a great demand for a muzzle that will fit a man’s nose, and shut out the insinuat- ing odor of a three-cent cigar.—Syracuse Times. “Wuar has become of Edison?” asks the Wil- mington Every Evening. Hush, don’t give it away; he has retired for the present to arrange his liver-pad.— Phila, Kronikle- Herald. Rocuester has an anti-treating society.—£x, In this vicinity aunties have to treat themselves or go thirsty. Also mothers-in-law.— Rome Sentinel, Tuere is an unusual activity in the red- flannel market. Organ-grinders are ordering spring suits for their monkeys.— Phila. Kront- kle-Herald. Puck is gallantly trying to ride both the Democratic and Republican horses, The na- tural result is a sort of Dem-i-Rep.-utation.— Phila, Bulletin. Apropos was positively no relative of the famous Edgar Allen Poe. You can take our word for that, although it’s hardly a fair-to- middling risk.—N. Y. News. WHEN we are young we waste a great deal of time in imagining what we will do when we grow older, and when we are old we waste an equal amount of time in lying about what we did when we were young—in telling about the cold winters and troubles experienced in gain- ing our knowledge.—Derrick. Two Philadelphia actresses who have no dia- monds are quite proud to think they have at least been robbed of their gold watches.— Buf. Exp. Suppose that baby-carts do injure the baby’s health. Doesn’t the baby have his revenge when night comes and the paregoric is down- stairs?—Detroit Free Press. Every Londoner carries an umbrella, and would as soon think of going out without the back of his head as without it— Bailey's. Eng- land from a Back Window. Bob Ingersoll will never be an L. L. D. — 1. Y. Herald, According to his own belief he will never be D—d.—Boston Bulletin. IN polite society it’s not reckoned the cor- rect thing to ask a lady if she has been eating onions for supper, but you can keep away from her all the same.—S. F. Wasp. Take good care of your minutes, ours will take care of themselves. — Puck. ‘Sixtyseconds make a minute,” and they also make a law in our Legislature.— Wheeling Leader. ‘THE man who carries a cane while riding in a street car has a better opportunity of display- ing his sleeve buttons than the man who carries his hands in his pockets.— Court Jourhal, Ir we were asked to describe in poetry a man confined to the house with fever and ague we should say “The Prisoner of Chillon” would just about do it.— Bridgeport Standard. A Sixtu-Street grocer found an egg ina lot just received from the country, with a land- scape photographed on the shell, but he doesn’t know where the scene was laid.—Cin. Sat, Night, Mary saysshe was a little down in the mouth when John kissed her the other evening. It is needless to refer to what John calls his mous- tache. It is really of no consequence, you know.— Boston Transcript. Tue whitewash coat made for Robeson was intended for an ulster. But it is so thin that one can see the black coat under it, and it is awfully loose, In fact, it makes Robeson look more awkward than ever.— Boston Post, THERE was a tide in the affairs of Noah, taken at the flood, which did not lead on to glorious fortunes, though the patri-ark managed to keep his head above water, and save “the only complete collection of wild and trained animals in the world.” —Mew Orleans Picayune. THE last rays of the setting sun were shining on the gilded frame of a mirror before which a young fop had been standing for hours, try- ing to arrange a refractory tie, when he ex- claimed, ‘Aha, at last it’s even-tied!"—Hack- ensack Republican. A new work is entitled “ How to Play Poker Profitably,” but we don’t suppose it has* yet found its way into our Sunday-school libraries, All children should learn early in life how to profitably apply a poker to the fire.—.orris- town Herald, Tue forty-seventh paragraph winding vy} with “ hardly ever” ie brought in this one ing. We told the author that we never printed such jokes. ‘‘ What, never?” he asked. ‘No, neverl'* “What, never?” —“ Well —no — NEVER!” “O, well,” he said, “I'll send it to a New York paper. They print two or three dozen such paragraphs per day.” — Morr. He- rald, : She curled hair-lip as she recoiled, And muttered: ‘Which is switch? Dost wish this ’ere blonde to you— ‘This snood design so rich !’ —Hackensack Republican, A younc man who was kicked off the front door step while endeavoring to serenade his girl, by her enraged papa, was too cautious to call him an old pirate, but he didn’t hesitate to designafe him as a’ free-booter.— Cincinnati Saturday Night. : Mrsi Jutta A. Moore, the Sweet Singer of Michigan, says she has not suffered flattery to turn her head, for she knows that the critics which praises her the loudest is the same ones as praises Longfellow; and ‘taint likely there is two poets to once.—San Francisco Argonaut, A New Preston man, not caring to wait until the banana season, stepped on an apple and broke “his leg.—Danbury News. If it had banana other than a New Preston man he would probably have apple-ied to the court for damages against the corporation. (No bouquets.)— Rome Sentinel. He was just about putting out the gas before retiring, when his room-mate, already in bed, exclaimed, “ What Aave you got on?” “ Why, you see,” was the answer, ‘my wife forgot to pack my night-shirt, and I've impovrished one out of my duster.” —Causeur in Boston Tran- script. ‘Tue French soldier is to have gray trouserss instead of red hereafter.—Boston Daily Adv. We presume he would prefer almost anything to a red hereafter; but is the bifurcate garment to be changed to gray in compliment to Presi- dent Gray-V ?—Phila. Bulletin. HIRSUTE SUITED HER, She wrung her hands and tore her hair With feelings not benign; And when up-braided by her friends, Exclaimed, ‘This hair is mine!” — Claude de Haven, ‘THERE was a young man from Chicago, It was strange how he did make his jaw go, One nice day he did to his pa go, Saying, “ Really, father, does ma know If for crime and deceit Any city can beat This windy old town of Chicago ? “Tf you know, dear father, now tell me, Your own son William — you well may, Don’t be an old fogy, and ‘sell’ me, Or get on your ear and assail me.” But his father was tight, And puffed at his pipe, Articulating “ Wilhelmj.” —Cincinnati Enquirer. How ‘bout dot Sherman Mission, Dhey dalk so much aboudt? I don’d vant der bosition, Und dink id was blayed oudt; Ameer shoke I subbose id vas, So dake some oder man; I don’d could go to Shermany, Bud, maype, Yakcob Khan. — Yawceob Strauss in Boston Traveller. Wuen an Afghan in the market-place asks a price for an article, he will never take less, and the most innocent child may buy as cheaply as the shrewdest grown person. Please tell us no more about the virtues of these heathens; let us hope that they will be over- looked on the day of settlement and not brought up against their civilized brethren.— Rochester Express. A MEDICAL journal advises its readers “not to yell when frightened, as it only increases terror; keep control of yourself and do some- thing to calm your nerves.” That's the doc- trine. “It you find the house is on fire, don’t jump up and yell loud enough to bring all the fire companies from the neighboring towns to the spot, but just sit down, take up a last year’s almanac and read it calmly through. By the time you finish it, you will perceive there is no necessity for yelling, as the fire will either have gone out or burned the house down.—Derrick.