Puck — December 18, 1878 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 3 PUCK’S TRIBULATIONS. UCK is disturbed in mind because a few of his admirers find fault with his senti- ments, his articles, and the style of his cartoons. This is unfortunate, but he will strive to bear up under so heavy a load of af- fliction, and strive to endure it with Christian fortitude. We try very hard to please, and un- til recently flattered ourselves that we had suc- ceeded in giving satisfaction to our thirty thousand subscribers; but it appears there are some half-dozen who are cast in a superior mould to ordinary mortals, and are, in point of fact, animated matter in the wrong place. Their right place, according to their own no- tion, would be.on the editorial staff of Puck. Our columns not being of the same length as the Marquis of Lorne’s favorite, the Hera/d, we cannot enlarge on grievances to the same extent that that enterprising journal would un- .der similar circumstances; but we will endea- vor to soothe the feelings of two or three of these unhappy individuals who have the most regard for grammar, in the hope that they may be able to sleep more comfortably in future. “An Indignant Englishman” has come to the conclusion that Puck is not an honor to civilization, ‘These are not his exact words, but they are near enough for our purpose. The irascible Briton accuses us of insulting his na- tion by writing flippantly of—as he styles her —Her Most Gracious Majesty the Queen. He wants to know by what right we call that ex- alted personage ‘‘ English Vic,” and ‘how dare” we speak of her, the noblest lady in the world, as commonplace and miserly. Now we rather admire this native of the tight little island for his well-meant patriotism, but if he’ll keep cool and reflect a little, he will ultimately thank Puck for being the means of showing him in its true colorsall this mumbo- jumbo royal tomfoolery and now fading relic of barbarism, We are sorry to have hurt his feelings. No- thing would give us greater pleasure than to be able to entertain a blind veneration for Queen Victoria and to think her better than Mesdames Smith, Brown, Jones and Robinsoa, or any other women who are supposed to be ladies; but we cannot do it—not with all the titles piled up sky-high, and the semi-sacrile- gious one of Majesty to boot. We don’t think much of President Hayes— nobody does—but still the office is a great one. Victoria has a softer thing of it, and is even less competent for the position. If Great Bri- tain wants a female constitutional monarch, it can find a hundred thousand women better bred, better looking, with better brains, better educated, who would prove in every way a much greater ornament to the throne than the present Queen. So much for “Indignant Englishman” and his deity Victoria, of whom he evidently thinks a great deal more than the welfare of the great British Empire and its people, What person may happen to be drawing the salary as monarch is, in Puck’s opinion, a matter of very small moment so long as he conducts himself decently, Then we have another gentieman, who calls himself Frank I. Ward, and gives his address at 120 Broadway. Mr. Frank I. Ward we should judge to be a very young man, whose weakness is a tendency to use stronger language than the occasion requires. Fool,” ‘ trash,” “d—d fool,” “ass,” “rubbish,” ‘ nonsense,” “ for God’s sake,” and such expressions, are care- fully distributed throughout his clegant epistle, which closes with the rather axiomatic statement that ‘it is one thing to bea d—d fool, and quite another to be a humorist.” We appreciate Mr. Ward's efforts to be a humorist, and are glad to see that he is fully aware of his shortcomings. This gentleman did not like an article in 'uCK of the week before last; nor is he a friend of the Honorable F. Fitznoodle, in whose ex- periences he cannot see any fun. It is just pos- sible this is not Mr, Fitznoodle'’s fault. How- ever, Mr, Ward’s letter has been referred to the Committee on Fitznoodle, and will probably ultimately reach the hands of that bloated aris- tocrat, who will deal with it in a proper manner. If “ Indignant Englishman,” and Mr. Frank I. Ward, who don’t like our articles, and two or three correspondents who object to our car- toons, will club together, they will be able to arrange with us to publish a private edition of Puck for their especial delectation, in which nothing shall appear that is not up to the standard of what seems to us their somewhat fastidious taste. Pr THAT CANADIAN “COURT.” The Royal Bull-Beef-eater will blow his nose at sunrise. At this signal the 3d deputy assistant maid of honor of, the scullery will descend to the kitchen and light the vice-regal fire, without kerosene. As soon as the fire draws the Royal Pursuivant.at-Arms will seize his tabard between the thumb and forefinger of his dexter hand, aud sound a blast upon his bugle. At this signal the vice-regal Household will arise. It is little bulletins like these, oozing out of the Government House gossip, that fire the Canadian heart. This seems something like Royalty among them, and when they get into full training and get used to the ways of Courts, they feel that they will make Lorne even “a biger man than old Vic.” The amount of early rising and late retiring among the spouses of eminent cheesemongers and lumbermen, in order to snatch a few hours for the practice of marching backwards from ‘the presence,” is surprising. And the Canadian mind recalls with pride that even in the autocratic days of Grant no manifesto was ever issued to American ladies as to how much of their naked skin they were compelled to show at the White House receptions, Some little breeze was created among a few malcontents at the ‘“low-neck" order; and Lorne foolishly tried to crawfish out of it by saying that, owing to the severity of the climate, he desired the ladies to wear bear-skins. But this is too gauzy, and is not generally believed. Lorne’s dancing has been uniformly com- mended; as it is considered that on arriving in a country which needs all his fostering care, a new Governor General cannot better show his realization of the responsibility of his position than by dancing a jig. A deputation is spoken of to visit the United States and suggesting a XVII. Amendment to our Constitution: pro- viding that newly elected Presidents shall make no inaugural speech, but shall dance a descrip- tive breakdown in front of the Capitol. The fact is, Canada is so puffed up with her vice-royalty that she is slopping over upon our borders; and if we don’t look out she will annex us. To be sure, all these vice-regal luxuries cost money, and the exchequer of the Dominion is very low. Funds are to be raised in many ways, however, Among them the following tariff has been adopted: For looking at Lorne in his carriage “ow “© aroom «« shaking hands with Lorne. «+ talking to Lorne and being answered... 5.00 N.B.—Same privileges from the Princess double the above rates. Even with these and other efforts to “raise the wind,” the thoughtful Canadian begins to think that Courts cost money, and—there is thunder in the air! WHAT GOETH_ON AT PRESENT. ND in these days the careful housewife layeth the foundation fora monumental mince-pie. And she selecteth a jar, and setteth it on one side, and therein she casteth to-day a bit of this thing, and to-morrow a bit of that thing, and on the third day a bit of the other thing; being such toothsome and wholly desirable pieces of things edible as are rejected of the domestic economy. And like- wise doeth also the small-boy; for he casteth into the pot one boot-heel, and two marbles, and a piece of string, and the reversion of his chewing-gum, and other ungodliness. And on Christmas day that boy will not eat of the mince-pie; but will confine himself to ice- cream and plum-pudding. But this device shall avail him naught; yea, verily, the wood- shed and the shingle shall be that boy’s portion. Also at this period is there one youth who careth little whether Christmas keepeth or not; and who regardeth the usage of calling upon the young maidens of the land, upon the first day of the year, as a vanity and an emptiness. For to him is now but one thing held dear and precious; namely, that his grave be kept as green as the season permitteth. For he is the youth who rejoiced in his own fool-hardi- ness, and who was warned not by the falling of the leaf and the averted faces of men; but per- sisted in his iniquity and would not cease, And the people rose and fell upon that youth, and slew him; and now he singeth “My Grand- father’s Clock” to the coffin-lid that answereth not, and the little small red worm that hath no ear for concord of sweet sounds. Now moreover the time hath arrived when the young man of economical instincts seeketh out the Dollar-store and entereth therein, and inquireth privily the price of Bohemian glass toilette sets such, as are beloved of young and comely maidens, And he listeneth with avidity to the Hebrew vendor who goeth about to as- sure him that it is genuine Bohemian glass, and fashioned in Bohemia, after the old Bo- hemian receipt. And even as he hearkeneth he is stricken with confusion like unto a_hurri- cane, and would fain sink through the floor of that dollar-store even into the bowels of the earth, For he heareth the voice of his beloved; yea, even of her for whose sake he would have purchased the Bohemian atrocity. And she standeth by his side and she seeth him not, But she leaneth over the counter, and she whispereth unto the child of Israel: “How many sets of coral studs dost thou give for one dol- lar?” And the young man pulleth up the collar of his ulster and departeth. Now also cometh the man who hath a small bond to file, and he goeth unto the county Court-house, and he fileth it indue form, And when this is done, he tendereth unto the gen- tlemanly clerk the sum of thirty-seven and one- half cents, legal money of the land, being the sum allowed by the law for a just fee, And the gentlemanly clerk aforesaid regardeth steadfastly those thirty-seven and a-half cents; and demandeth scornfully: ‘What is this?” And the citizen maketh answer: “It is thy fee: but if so be that it do not please thee, take even unto the sum of thirty-eight cents, and hang thou on to the change; to have and to hold for thine own, thine heirs and assigns for- ever.” And the gentlemanly clerk respondeth calmly: “Lo, now, eleven dollars and seventy- five cents is my fee; and the fee that the law alloweth thou mayest retain thyself and depart unto Hades therewith. For do not the run- ning expenses of this office include my cock- tails and my regalias and my eighteen-button gloves, and likewise that which weareth the eighteen-button gloves? Thinkest thou that I went into politics for nothing, or playest thou me for a sucker?” And he raketh in the $11.75. comicbooks.com