Puck — October 23, 1878 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

and so happily that 1 do not desire a change; indeed, I openly accuse them of conspiring to spoil me, and keep me single, that vase be always the bachelor uncle, who shall leave ten thousand pounds apiece to each of their chil- dren, As they have four at this present wri- g, it will be necessary for me to amass a considerable fortune to accomplish this. 1 seldom talk to Fred (for divers reasons) about the times when we were junior clerks together; but I did ask him once to explain that mystery of the music hall, whence I certainly saw him emerge, though he so confidently asserted he had been at home all night.“ Well,” he said, “you might have seen me in the crowd about the doors, for I passed by there on my way from Chancery Lane, where I had been to leave a parcel.” “A parcel in Chancery Lane, at midnight! No, my dear Fred, that really will not do.” Then he laughed and blushed, and said, “Well, you needn't tell Kitty about it; but the fact is, when my poor father declined to con- sent to our marriage, I determined to save all I could, and began to work out of office hours at copying for law stationers—"” “Then those were the ‘windfalls’! inter- rupted I, “Yes; when I had earned a pound or two, I could not help giving Kitty a percentage of it.” . And that was why he had looked so haggard and weary; not from the stings of conscience, but through sitting up o’ nights, driving the quill! Upon the whole I am inclined to think, quite apart from the prosperity that has at last be- fallen him, that Frederic Raynor was worth waiting for, and that Patient Kitty (as I always call her) has been well rewarded for her fealty. WES Hanges. Wuy is Wilhelmj like Bob Ingersoll ?—Great infiddle.—Phila, Bulletin. Every cipher added to poor Tilden’s re- cord makes it more noughty.— Phila. Bulletin. Patti is worth a million. True, ’tis Patti; Patti 'tis, 'tis true. Pity we are not Patti.— Breakfast Table, Tue Arkansas belles wear a corset made out of a coffee-sack. Ben Zeen says he never saw such a coarse set.— Cin. Sat, Night. A Buruincton physician calls his dog Cin- chona, because his bark is the only valuable thing about him.— Burlington Hawkeye. “Ts your daughter at home, Mr. Brusk 2” “ Yes, sir, and so is her mother.” Callow said he'd ‘call some other day,” but he never did. —Cin, Sat, Night. “Ler me kiss him for his mother,” is the unspoken wish of many a fair girl, but how few boys ever want to kiss a girl for her father ? Breakfast Table. Sincutakr, isn’t it, that when a man gives his wife a dime to buy a box of hair-pins or a gum ring for the baby, it looks about seven times aa big as when he planks it down on the bar for a little gin and bitters for the stomach’s sake ?—Pittsburgh Independent. “FIFTEEN AND A HALF.” Hair bright as a golden dollar, Tight coiled, save one wandering tress; Two white linen cuffs and a collar Relieving a black moiré dress; Two eyes, soft and blue as the heavens, Caught mine and compelled me to stop; My wits were at sixes and sevens When passing her shop. When passing! Ah, had I but passed it! But I am-mere mortal, you see. ‘The saint who through Lent time has fasted At Easter regards himself free. And I, who so long had been blameless, Felt arrows through all my veins dart, And a sentiment, hitherto nameless, Awoke in my heart. I entered, nerved for the encounter; My senses came back by degrees, As she, leaning over the counter, Said, “ What can I do for you, please?” I gazed round the store’s narrow radix ‘Imagine my case if you can— ’Twas obviously meant but for ladies, And I was'a man. I know more of Sanscrit or Latin ‘Than naming of feminine gear. “Two yards and a half, please, of satin.” “We only keep underwear here.” Only underwear! That word suggested One name that I didn’t forget; Most diffidently I requested A frilled chemisette. “What size?” ‘The ‘remark, you'll acknow- ledge, Can not be regarded as fair; I never had studied at college What size the dear creatures do wear, I thought that the best way was lightly To turn the thing off with a laugh; I answered, as gravely as might be, “Fifteen and a halt.” Fifteen and a half! She looked puzzled. “ Fifteen and a half what, sir, pray?” My eloquence fairly was muzzled, Because I had nothing to say. “ One moment -I'll show you a sample;” She pulled a box down from the shelf. “Don’t mind,” I said; “that size is ample ‘That you wear yourself.” ‘rhen she colored up quick, like a blush rose; Said, “Sir, you insult me,” and more; While I, like a fool, with a rush rose And made my best time for the door. Her face, as I looked back, was changing — Still angry, yet ready to laugh: Now, what in the world is so strange in Fifteen and a half? G. H. Jessop, in San Francisco Argonaut. ‘Tne Spotted Tail Indians having left their reservation, the Government should set the army to knocking spots out of their tails.— Phila, Kronikle- Herald. WHEN a poet wrote, ‘No sleep till morn when youth and bootee meet,” he probably | alluded to the miss who wears her shoes too small.— Cin. Saturday Night. “Wuat is Jay Gould doing?” the Oil Cit: Derrick asks, Easy enough to answer—settin’ ‘em up for the boys, and trying to be Mayor | of New York.—Fullon Times. A tittLe Hackensack boy, who was looking up at the stars the other evening, exclaimed, “©Oh! mamma, mamma, who’s a pinchin’ them stars ?”— Hackensack Republican, times makes an crawling between the two cracks of an upper and lower window-sash.— Wheeling Leader. AN ale guzzler doesn’t stop to consider that every time he drinks he is adding an ale to his coffin.—Boston Post. A result, no doubt, owing to the tacks on spirits.—V. ¥. Com. Ad. “Ts Philadelphia a city?” asks Puck. No, a mere village, five times as large as New York, with twice as many homes, and with but half the cheek and bluster.—- Philadelphia Kronikle- Herald. Tue Vienna theatres issue no checks to enable parties to go out between the acts, and so the boys have to carry their cloves and lemon-peel in their vest pockets.— Breakfast Table. ‘Tue item being circulated throughout the country that Christine Nilsson lost eight thou- sand pounds in two months, is believed to be an | ingenious advertisement of the anti-fat man.— altimore Every Saturday. AeTER presenting our bill for last year’s sub- scription to one of our citizens, seven times, he remarked, “ Why don’t you go for these slippery fellows first ? I'm good enough.”— Reynoldsville Herald. ‘Tis sweet to be re-membered,” but those who have been through the process think the fastening on of the new one rather goes ahead of the sawing off of the old one for solid enjoy- ment.— fulton Times, Mrs. Van Cort recently declared at a Sea Cliff, New York, prayer-meeting that she had “sold out, completely,” to the Lord. For the purpose of shutting out your principal creditor, Mrs: Van Cott ?—Burlington Hawkeye. Tur champion thin man lives in South Wheeling. He is fond of music, and some- Jian harp out of himself by Cuicaco has a girl that barks like a dog, and | Racine, Wis., has a ditto that mews like a cat. And if we hadn't sworn off lying when we were four years old, Norristown should have a girl that neighs like a horse.— Norristown Herald. Untess “Carmen,” the new opera, intro- duces the driver as swearing at his horses, and the conductor as trying to get six cents fare out of a drunken passenger, thousands will be- lieve it to be a fraud.— Philadelphia Kronikle- Herald. Ricuaxp Grant Wuite has resigned the position he has held in the custom house for seventeen years. As it was a place with no work and a full salary, Richard is at a loss to express his feelings grammatically,— Bur- lington Hawkeye. WiLHELM) is a first-class fiddler, but he doesn’t know how to’spell. If he hadn’t wasted so much time sawing on a violin in his young days, he would have learned that Wiihelmj doesn’t spell Wilhelmy, as he pronounces it.— Norristown Herald. Ix former times the man ate the cream (if the cat didn’t anticipate him), but now they cremate the man.— Burlington Hawkeye. To cure a cough—First catch your cough, then salt it and smoke it and hang it up todry. —Fhila. Kronikle-Herald. Wuen the belated Christian, with a face like a stubble field, rushed wildly through the streets last Sunday morning, only to find all the bar- | ber-shops closed, it was then that he exclaimed, ‘What shall I do to be shaved?”— Phila. Kronikie-Herald. Tue Washington Fost knows Maud Granger, and knows that she used to bea type-setter. As a type-setter Maud might have been a success, but it strikes us she don’t understand padding | well enough to make a good night editor.— Boston Post. comicbooks.com