Puck — August 28, 1878 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. sult of a miserwable wace. I believe an Amer- wican schoolmaster, named after the discover- FITZNOODLE IN AMERICA. No. LI. wer of the countwy —Columbus—was allowed some opious com: | '9 ¢arwy off something or othah fwom this mar M"| Henley ‘arwangement. But, of course, our | boating men just aw let him do it as a matter Ya-as aw a con- | of politeness. Quite the pwoper thing to be siderwable number | civil to a forweigner, yer know, even if he is of fellaws and some | Amerwican. Jack thinks so too. I am sorwy female cweatures | that these wepublican people nevah win any have alweady | kind of waces in Gweat Bwitain; but they will bawed me by ask- | pwobably impwove durwing the next few hun- ing scverwal widi- | dwed years aw, when there is an emperwor and » Culous questions | a court, and a wegular bweed of arwistocwacy. about Bwitish man- | I should very much like to see these people, ners and aw cus- | but I have an ideah that I shall be dead aw at toms, and as to what was the corwect thing in | that perwiod. our countwy, for the purpose of making aw Some othah fellaws, too, at the club were de- aw arwangements called comparwisons. Ya-as, | sirwous of knowing what the Bwitish nation curwious twibe of fellaws these Amerwican | thought about varwious twifling occurwences in arwistocwats. Some of them have no memor- | Amerwica which make a twemendous wacket wies at all; at any wate, they didn’t appar- he-ab, By Jove, I think they were wather sur- wently wemember that I had been he-ah befaw | pwised when Jack told them that the aw Bwi- aw Severwal made a long and wetched wig- | tish nation took no intervest in such matters. marwole about a wegatta in England, in which, | Ya-as, and I he-ah fwom weliable authorwity I believe, some / ican wowers wowed and | that there are some men in Jack’s wegiment ce—I weally quite forget | who don’t know where Amerwica is. ch. J id it was wight, and that this Some othah fellaw who wites pwoverbs has wacing took place at Henley. Aw verwy likely | wemarked that comparwisons are odious, I then, of course, our countwymen must have | can’t say that 1 altogether agwee with him, for won, for no Amerwicans can beat Bwitish fel- | aw comparwisons of things Bwitish and Amer- laws in anything. How dweadfully ignorwant | wican are altogether satisfactorwy, as everwy some people are on this aw point. fellaw ought to know, a'ways being in favah, Diwectly after’ dinner at the club, when I | yer know, of Gweat Bwita ‘Therefore it's a was twying to take a little west, one of the aw | doosid baw to be asked by some Amerwican fellaws wemarked, apwopos of the boat-wacing, | if some particular arwangement he-ah is super- that the English must have been aw fwightfully | wior to some othah arwangement there—weally distwessed at weceiving such a terwible thwash- | quite out of the question. Jack says he is sur- ing {vom an Amerwican boat’s cwew, and that | pwised to find men showing such cwass ignor- she could nevah wecover fwom the depwession. | wance. Ah, by the way, two or thrwee of our set Ha! hat is is, pon my soul, quite too far} and Jack pwevailed upon me to aw leave town more than most awfully widiculous, I suppose | and take a twip to Parwis, to inspect some de- the fellaws who work the telegwaph to this | scription of Exhibition, which affords consid- countwy must amuse themselves with such wo- erwable amusement to severwal thousands of mancing by twansmitting messages of this | people. ‘The aw Pwince of Wales goes there charwacter for wecweation. Some descwiption | sometimes—at least Jack says so. Don't care of wace, yer know, may have been wowed, but | in the least, yer know, for such affairs; they all no pwoper fellaws in England knew anything | have a stwong family likeness. [ would just as of it—except, perwhaps, 2 third or fourth-wate | soon, yer know,’ stwoll down aw Wegent or cwew fwom a second-wate college at aw Ox‘ord | Bond Stweets, and glance at the shop windows; or Cambwidge. but still Parwis is a fairwish sort of place. I Jack tells me that everwy gwown-up man, ; came aw acwoss some Amerwican people I woman and child in this Amerwican countwy | happened to wemember in New York. Shall was bweathlessy wonderwing and waiting | pwobably have some wemarks to make about wound about telegwaph offices, to learn the we- | them at a future perwiod a ‘TIS THE LAST SWEAT OF SUMMER. ‘This is the way Jones keeps up the delusion that summer is with us still. He makes believe warm, and gets an excuse for sherry cobblers. But it takes a good deal of making believe. 5 MRS. SWISSHEI.M'S HOBBY. ‘very man and woman has his or her Gee pet theory and hobby. It is fruitless to ™ try to get them off it, just as it is fruit- less to get a man off his beer. If a man is fond of war, it is always a good plan to speak in glowing terms of marching fifty miles a day, and sleeping in mosquitoful swamps, and living on a diet of raw salt pork and hard-tack. If a man regards suicide as a civilizer, don't hint that your ideas are opposite to his. . Say you think of committing suicide yourself some day. ‘Then tell him that a great many able men have died by their own hands, and that it is better to die in that way than to contract a huge doctor's bill, and keep your family up night after night, and die after all. You might also tell him that only uneducated people die in their beds, and that philosophers and men of advanced ideas generally prefer to plug themselves. It is always better to agree with people; it never does you any harm, while it often saves a good deal of trouble. 2 ‘As we reniarked, everyone has a hobby. Even Jane Gray Swisshelm has one, and a very eccentric one itis. If anyone attacks it, she comes forth like an enraged tigress, and takes up the cudgels in its defense. Her love—if we may so term it—may be put under the head of ‘The six blind men of Hindostan who went to see the elephant.” We congratulate these six blind men on hav- ing so sinewy a champion as Mrs, Swisshelm to defend them when they go to see the elephant. When, very recently, some lady innocently alluded to the Hindoo sextett, Mrs. Swisshelm, says the exchange which is our authority for this article, “ poured two columns of hot shot into her.” Whether the lady was injured or not is not stated, but it served her right. What business had she to go and interfere with the six blind men of Hindostan? It was their prerogative to go and see the elephant, and, in doing it, they didn’t transgress the prescribed limitations of social law. We have now discovered Mrs. Swisshelm’s weak point, and we shall take special pains not to attack it, The question which naturally arises at this juncture is, why does Mrs, Swiss- helm championize the six blind men of Hin- dostan who went to see the elephant ? Perhaps she has designs on them, and de- fends them from motives of a decidedly sinis- ter nature, She may be in love with one or possibly all of them, and probably she thinks they will re- ciprocate. There is no saying they will not; for they are blind. However, we don’t care to pursue the case further, but will close by thanking Mrs. Swiss- helm for humanely shielding the blind from ri- dicule, and if we ever should have the honor of meeting them, we shall not fail to cungrat- ulate the six blind men of Hindostan who went to see the elephant on being so fortunate as to secure the friendship of Mrs. Swisshelm. PeopLe who won't go to the theatre on free passes, will crowd around and block up a thoroughfare for the purpose of seeing a sick horse, a safe lowered from a window, or a couple of men digging out a cellar. Some poet wants to know what is sweeter than the close of day, when the sun flings its golden smiles on the nodding violets, and the woodland brooks lisp and patter over opaline pebbles, and all is serene in the tender after- glow. We think we can tell the poet of some- thing sweeter than that—Kidney stew. ee comicbooks.com