Puck — August 28, 1878 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

4 | PUCK. my money in my pocket with a prehensile grasp. ‘The elder man placed a card _in the guard’s hand and said, struggling with laughter, “ We are both engaged in literature, and were dis- cussing the plot of a novel which my friend is writing for one of the ‘weeklies,’ where a good deal of the ‘blood and thunder’ cle- ment is required. And all the horrors which appear to have alarmed this lady are purely imaginary.” And the guard was actually credulous enough to belie’ gave a shrill whistle, and left me standing upon the platform, staring in stupefied amazement at the train as it lessened in the distance. I am painfully aware that I am only a wo- man, anda very weak and timé the sex; I flatter myself, however, that 1 am not deficient of common sense, and since that terrible day I utterly repudiate physiognomy and phrenology, but at the same time care- fully avoid benevolent gentlemen with snow- white hair, and young men who appear to be the incarnation of honesty and kindness. ‘THE CREAM OF ‘THE BUCKE’ CULCHAL Grant educates easy. — Hoston Jost. WE WILL PLUCK SOME. In a little more than two weeks, oysters will be ripe.— Mew Haven Register. THE NATIONS TREMBLE. Chili is preparing for war. She has purchased two cannons and a drum.— Free Press, PROTECTION, ‘The custom house at Mt. Desert is used for a hen-coop in the winter.—Hoston /ost, R. ‘The oysters will have their usual fail open- son Sept. 1st.—/hila. Evening Bulletin. WE HAVE MET THEM, Some men are as unsatisfactory as a soapy door-knob, and twice as slippery.— Wheeling Leader. EFFECTUAL. ‘The Chinese have a sure way of removing dandruff, They do it with a jack-plane.— Cincinnati Breakfast Table, A DELICATE DISTINCTION, Jay Gould cannot tell a lie; he says so him- self, But he can get off some stunning imita- tions, — Burlington Hawkeye. SHE CAN! A woman has to settle a man’s coffee with the white of an egg, but she can settle his hash with a look.— Glasgow, Ky., Times, ° If it rests between a new hat and a dog license, get the license and make the old hat hold over. Economy is wealth.— Graphic. AN OCULAR DEFLECTION, No wonder that with those eyes General Butler is able to look as if he belonged to two them, for, slamming the door, he } member of }- WHAT IS FAME? Capt. Kidd’s birthday has passed and gone again without any celebration. What’s the use of a man leading off on any special line?— Detroit Free Press. LET THEM PASTE IT IN THEIR HATS. The hot spell killed thousands of fishes in Western rivers. To avoid sunstroke fishes should wear something damp on top of their heads.—- Chicago Journal. MUST BE A VERY SHORT CUT. A Ridgefield man has invented a chair which ican be adjusted to 8,000 different positions. It is designed for a boy to sit in when having his hair cut.—Danbury News. BUFFALONIAN RECKLESSNESS. We hear of a country school-mistress who encourages her scholars in running matches. She teaches the young idea, in other words, how to scoot.—Buffalo Express. THAT'S HIS BUSY DAY. Somebody has discovered that whenever the grain is cut and hauled in, the tramp makes his appearance on the stubble and demands work or bread.— Brookville Democrat. PROBABLY CAME FROM THE PACIFIC, At the seashore they are enjoying sand baths. A tramp passed our office this morning evi- dently on his way from the seashore. He hadn't washed the sand off.— Zurner's Falls Reporter, A SAD REFLECTION, Nautical men announce that the Atlantic Ocean is losing its salty nature. Everything in this world, except cured codfish, appears to be getting too fresh.— New Orleans Picayune. ‘Vhe scarcity of fashionable young men at the watering places this summer is accounted for by the fact that a great many treasurers, cashiers and bank clerks are now occupying prison cells as defaulters.—/%ila. Kronikle- Herald. OVER WORKED, It is a singular coincidence that whenever there is a pigeon shoot or a horse trot in the vicinity, the notices on the doors indicate that all the lawyers are out of town trying cases, or else in the Superior Court library.—New Haven Register. HUMAN NATURE, Why is it, that when the photographer tells the man to assume a pleasant expression, the sitter immediately puts on the same agonized expression he wears when his dentist is pawing around his mouth for an invalid tooth? — Hawkeye. WE HAVE TRIED IT, ‘The Watertown Despatch says that an edi- torial room is not properly furnished without a good dictionary. ‘That article of furniture does come in handy to hurl at exchange tramps, literary agents and poets of the springtime.— N.Y. Commercial Advertiser. HE DIDN'T, THOUGH. A reflective writer has been asking readers to cast their eyes back about ten years. Very few men have time for any such nonsense. Mrs. Lot cast her eyes back about three min- utes, and that little act obliged Lot to get a fresh wife.—NMew Orleans Picayune, PSYCHOLOGICAL. One of the most difficult problems to a mind of analytical tendencies is to comprehend the magnitude of a prompting cause strong enough to induce a colored man to commit suicide right in the middle of the watermelon season, The first case of the kind ever recorded oc- curred in Alabama last week.— Cin, Breakfast- parties at the same time.— Phila, Bulletin. Table. AN EFFETE THEATRICAL SYSTEM. At the Vienna theatres no checks are given for persons to go out with between acts, A couple of young Americans recently entered a+ Vienna theatre and not being cognizant of this rule, went totally unprepared for a drought. The result was that they died of thirst before the curtain fell on the third act— Norristown Herald. MIGHT TRY IT, It is the duty of the press to leave no stone unturned towards saving mankind. ‘Therefore we call upon the journals of this country to publish the following in a conspicuous place, where Zach Chandler can see, notice an« re- flect upon it: Major A. H. Longley, a promi- nent Republican politician, died ‘at Austin, ‘Texas, on Sunday, of jim-jams. —Fhilade/phia Kronikle-Herald, A PROMISE TO PAY, ‘The Greenback authorithies of Missouri are outrage | at discovering in their State ‘I'reasury a worthless bank check for $296,000, which the treasurer has for years been carrying forward as cash on hand. Why isn’t it all right, accord- ing to Greenback reasoning? The check is in regular form througout and is irredeemable. What more do they ask for?— Lowell Courier. CLASSIC, “What monarch do I 'mind you of My little one?” said Gaspar, As with his ever-handy arms He suddenly did clasp her; “1 cannot tell,” she made reply ‘The while he sought to squeeze ‘er, “You can't? Why, ben’t I something like A modern Julia seizer?” — Yonkers Gazette. ‘Te: late worm escapes the early bird.— Breakfast Vable. ‘Tne Anti-Socialist Bill—Emperor William.— Phila, Hog, Bulletin, ton Law in Boston—“ Keep off the —Phila, Bulletin. ER if the cattle of a thousand ‘ills had the epizootic or the hoof disease?— Boston Post. ‘Te. prudent man not only lays aside some- thing for a wet day, but fer a dry day.—Hos- ton Post. ‘Tne Republican party of Mississippi got drunk the other night and was locked up.— Boston Fost. Swiet, the Rochester star hunter, is not re- cognized by regular astronomers because he keeps a hardware store.—W. O. Picayune. Work on the Washington Monument is go- ing on briskly. Some one has made a report on what ought to be done.—. O. Picayune. Jim Biatne seems determined to keep his name before the country if he has to smash every carriage in the land to atoms to accom- plish it. Kearney travels on borrowed brains, like a St. Louis newspaper. His speeches are all made up by stealings from those of talented men.— Breakfast Table. It is said a hornet’s nest contains as many as 15,000 cells. If any of the hornets are at home, they will show you around the rooms.— New Orleans Picayune. ‘Tuer is more unadulterated joy over the capture of the one solitary mosquito on the in- side of the netting than in circumventing the million and ninety-nine on the outside.—Hreak- fast Table, comicbooks.com