Puck — August 28, 1878 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

POLO. ee ap playing the gaine of polo, much depends at on n—family pedigree. 1 was going to say “nerve,” but changed my mind. No man can play the game well who has not a respect- able ancestry. You never hear of polo at Coney Island or High Bridge. It is no ple- beian game; and one of the prerequisite essen- tials, after muscle and pony, is a uniform— something stunning and glittering and gushing. ‘To secure this desideratum I spared no expense; and I latter myself that when I was fully equip- ped for the fray, I was the observed of all ob- servers, ‘Yo give a faithful account of my first game of polo, I must draw on my most vivid powers of description; and if I fail, you may be as- sured that the fault is not with the game, which was a most successful success, but with my in- adequate powers of delineation. Before the time set for playing my first game, I spent a month in quiet practice by myself, on the broad prairies between Jersey City and Newark; so that when the day arrived for play I was no mean proficient. It was a sight to see the gathering of the clans. ‘There were clans from New Jersey, clans from Coney Island, clans from Sheepshead Bay, clans from Flat- lands, and clans, in fact, from all parts of the world. My pony was in high feather, or, ra- ther, in high mettle, and champed his bit and frisked his tail as if he were gifted with intelli- gence. It was as much as I could do to re- strain his impetuous ardor. He danced about like a hen on a hot gridiron. At last the preliminary arrangements w perfected, and the players were all “ roped in for the game. ‘Ihe eyes of ten thousand pco- ple were upon us—that made twenty thousand eyes—and two of these were the eyes of Mrs. M. Iwasa blue. I might have been—in fact T ought to have been—a red, as I do not think there was a more savage player in the field than Iwas, But I was a blue, and 1 flaunted my azure colors with a pride that can belong only to aristocracy; for we were all scions of Amer- ican nobility, and gentlemen of “elegant lei- sure,” every one. None other could play polo. ‘Time was at length called, the ball was tossed into the field, and at it we went. Now my pony showed his mettle. He was like a ship before a gale, like a boomerang, like a panther springing upon its prey. 1 lost sight of the ball from the first, except what occasional glimpses | might now and then have of it spinning through the air; but 1 swung my mal- let valiantly about, and whenever | could bark the shins of an enemy and make him bite the dust, I considered it a point gained. My pony got his main-topsail and jib-spanker up, and went for things like a hog for breakfast. He seemed to have a notion that he must go some- where, and be quick about it, and, before I could port his helm, he went, crash, into the midst of the players, and scattered them right and left. I was so blinded by the cust that I couldn't see the ball, and didn’t try to; but I struck out boldly for the spot where I thought it might be, and, sure enough, I hit it and sent it spinning towards the goal. Loud applause followed, and I took off my cap to bow a grace- ful acknowledgment, when my pony gave a sudden lurch to wind’ard, and jerked me clean out of the saddle. With gymnastic agility I grasped my pony by the fo’castle and threw myself plumb on deck with a single bound. Again he made a dash for something, and I made a sweeping blow with my mallet which brought down two red warriors, amidst thun- dering plaudits. ‘The reds sprang to their feet and returned the compliment. A couple of blues came to my relief, and then the scrim- mage became general, and blood and hair and teeth flew in all directions. In the midst of PUCK. this jée, one of the cowardly reds went to where the ball lay, and quietly knocked it through the goal, thus winning the first game. After carrying off the dead and wounded, the second game was called. As for me, | had my head tied up, and one hand in a sling, but my pony was just getting warmed up to his work, He flew about lke a bumble-bee with his head cut off. Several times he plunged over the ropes in among the spectators, and no one knows where he would have gone if one of my blue compatriots had not promptly grasped him by the tail and pulled him back. If you have ever seen Little Mac play baby elephant, you may have some faint idea of the antics of my pony. If I hadn't been one of the finest riders in America, I should have been thrown off dozens of times; but, despite my slung arm and bandaged head, | clung on, and took the field valiantly for the second game. I did glorious work with my mallet, and in less than twenty minutes, three of the reds fell beneath my ponderous blows, and were carried off the ground. ‘This gave me pretty fair sailing, and putting my helm hard down to wind’ard, I got the ball in hand, and started for the goal. So terrific was my speed that every one of my op- ponents drew up out of my way, and actually cheered meas | passed. ‘I'he goal-keeper him- self, apparently afraid of a collision, stepped clear to one side as I dashed impetuously on. From the other side of the field | could hear our captain's voice frantically calling on me to come back, to hold on, to bring back that ball, and not to make a (profane language) fool of myself. For the life of me I couldn't tell what he meant; but it was no time to stop now and ask for explanations, when I held the tide of vic- tory in my hands. Another moment and I dashed past the goal, pony, ball, mallet and all, amidst the most frenzied lot of huzzas lever heard. Even my opponents seemed carried away with the gen- eral excitement, and threw up their caps, and shouted, and twisted themselves into the most fantastic shapes; and one or two actually went into convulsions, and had to be carried off the field with the other débris, tg make room for the next game. ‘This was the happiest moment of my life,and I sat in my saddle like a victorious general, re- ceiving the plaudits of the assembled clans, and smiled exultingly till I learned that I had put the ball through the wrong goal and thus won the game for our adversarie: “his was all owing to my antic pony, who, in one of his sudden gyrations, had frisked me clean around, without even my knowing it. When the third game was called, I went for the ball “ bald-headed,” but my laudable efforts were not seconded by my confréres, and in spite of my redoubled exertions, and notwith- standing I did terrific work with my mallet on the heads of our adversaries, they carried the ball through their goal triumphantly, and claim- ed the “three out of five.” ‘he umpire, how- ever, having just learned that the second game was the result of a misunderstanding on my part, declared it a draw, and the field was cleared for action, or for the deciding game. When the game was called, there were but two of us—one red, one blue, the others being all literally hors du combat, Glaring maliciously at each other, we dashed forward with a deter- mination to win or lose at all hazards. When the enemy went for the ball, I went for him. With the war-whoop of my tribe, 1 swung my mallet high in air and dashed down upon him. In less time than it takes to chronicle the fact, I gathered him to his fathers, and had his scalp hanging at my belt, and then I hurled the ball through at my leisure. Victory at last! My pony, having received a fatal blow in his stomach, lay down and died. ‘Thus was I left alone, the champion of all the warriors who had gathered there that day. This was glory enough—but it was expensive, I find the total cost as under: One pair Indian clubs $5.00 Glazier’s bill... 12.00 Emplasteum adhesivam. 1.75 Dr. Esculapius oes. + 45.00 Silk dress for Mrs. M. (peace oflering). 75.00 Vony... osecs ee] ser etan7 50:00) More emplast. adhes..., LS, 2.00 Champagne supper for the club... 250.00 Uniform... ‘ 10,00 Spurs : 15.00 Mallet, beer, ete., ete. 19.00 More emplast. adhes. 22... 5.00 Dr. Esculapius's second bill 97.50 $1,287.25 I don’t mind the expense at all, for I can go into bankruptcy any time before the new bank- rupt law comes into effect, but it galls my feel- ings to the bone to have such respectable papers as the Sun and Herald sneer at this wanly and noble game as they do. The Sun calls it ‘British nonsense,” and “monarchical notions of government,” and the Herald says “it is not an aristocratic game,” and that ‘the ponies used cost but a tril i ‘Trifle, indeed! Well, that all depends on what you call a trifle. Every man to his notion. As for me, 1 don't think there is on earth a more noble, manly, aristocratic, gym- nastic, warlike, convivial, exciting, exhilarat- ing, healthy, pathetic, enchanting, intermin- gling, lively, jolly, perspiring, furious, terrific, blood-curdling game than Polo. Yours poloniously, Epuraim Mucoins. NATURAL HISTORY. ROM time immemorial snakes have been. § held in utter abhorrence by everyone. “rhey have always been looked upon as mad dogs, or leprosy, or something of the kind, and yet they have never appeared as amateur actors. ‘They have never made them- selves annoying in any way. ‘here are various brands of snake, but there is only one which strikes us as being at all _use- ful, and that is the fire-fighting snake of South America. This serpent will put out fires at all hazards. It will meander through a forest,and jump up and put your cigar out, but it won’t hurt you. We don’t know that we should care about having a snake put our cigar out, but, at the same time, if we felt sure that the snake did the same out of pure friendship, that snake and his kind would be made eternally solid with us from that moment, and we should immediately endeavor to ascertain if he could hold beer to his satisfaction. We think some of these snakes ought to be imported, for their presence here is sadly needed. In the first place, actresses might carry them in their pockets, and, should their clothes take fire at the foot-lights, which not infrequently happens, all they would de obliged to do would be to take the snake out and set him going. Then it would not be a bad idea, we think, to have one in the house of every lady who looks favorably on kerosene as a kindler. We think also that the city authorities might purchase a thousand or so of these snakes to put the lampposts out every morning; they would, unquestionably, be far cheaper than men and quite as effectual, as they would never neglect their duty from drunkenness, sickness in the family, or anything else. Puck makes these suggestions with due de- ference, and he trusts they will be profited by. comicbooks.com