Puck — August 21, 1878 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. IN SUMMER. AN ALLITERATIVE SONNET. BELLIGERENT, brusque, brown-belted bumble-bees, Singing sonorous, sinuous sailing soar, Wild, weariless winging, waging wicked war, Dancing diagonal, darting down degrees; Triumphant trailing trumpeters trim trees; Rills, raising riot, rushing, running roar; Past peerless pines, pelucid pushing, pour, Eddy elate, enlarged, enchanting ease, Calls checrily; content conquers cold care; Gardens grow glorious, gladioles grandly glow; Lazily landward lingers Luna’s light; Far floats fine fragrance, flung from flowers fair; Men, matching might, maturing meadows mow; Nefarious, noisy nocturnes narrow night Tuo: COLLIER, FITZNOODLE IN AMERICA. No. LI. NEW YORK ONCE MORE. Ya-as aw, Jack Carnegie and Ihave arwived in Amer- wica again. A gweat many aw aw fellaws, yer know, were, of course, ex- twemely surpwised at our weturning fwom aw out west, and the pwairwies, and other wegions, and wunning ovah to Gweat Bwitain without mak- ing pwoper pweparwations for the twip acwoss —thought it aw doosid stwange and curwious, by Jove. Fact is, Jack had weceived a telegwam we- questing him to join his wegiment. Don’t know pwecisely the weason; but aw, I believe, Gweat Bwitain had aw a stwong ideah of colo- nizing Wussia, and, as_ there are a considerwa- ble number of aw Wussian fellaws in that verwy inferwiah countwy, the Bwitish ministwy thought some of the aw bettah class of our twoops might be wequired to keep these barba- wous cweatures in order, and to see that the twain-oil, tallow-candles, and bear's gwease, the wegular food of these aw Wussian fellaws, were pwoperly distwibuted. Weally can’t take the twouble aw to wemember the particulars of this wather extwaordinarwy business. 1 warely wead newspapers—-a baw, yer know; but dur- wing the season in town—I mean London, not an Amerwican town—I have fwequently heard wemarks about a declarwation of war, and aw weferwences to severwal debates among the fel- Jaws who belong aw to the aw aw Lords and Commons. Jack told me at the club about aw Indian twoops, and something welative to a place where the Cypwess twees gwow, and made severwal observations on ‘furks—those aw fellaws who live in Turkey, yer know, who eat whubarb, and sometimes wear wolls of mer- wino wound their heads, and wejoice in marwy- ing wives duplicate and twiplicate, and aw not infwequently by the gwoss. I suppose no end of fellaws have heard that there has been a Congwess in Eurwope to make aw everwything all wight everwywhere. Diswaeli,* who is now a tolerwably well-made awistocwat, superwintended the affair. Per- whaps, after all, he got the ideah fwom the Amerwican arwangement called a Congwess he-ah, But, ‘pon my soul, these matters are weally too widiculously complicated for my bwain. Very well, yer know, for fellaws, wno wather like to worwy themselves with such * Beaconsteld, Earl | things, But perwhaps I am wanderwing a twi- fle fwom my subject aw. Well, after all this aw wow was ovah, Jack and I wesolved to wecwoss the bwiny to Amerwica, to twavel about some maw west, and see othah things of maw or less interwest in this extwaordinarwily queer countwy, so differwent fwom Gweat Bwi- tain. Don’t welish, yer know, being among a cwowd of passengers in a aw steamer; but aw a fellaw is aw obliged to go in it, as no wail- way is yet wunning to Amerwica. Suppose some fellaws who understand machinerwy will ewect one some day or othah, I twust it will be a good woute. Howevah, Jack and I are now in our old wooms at the Bwevoort, and are taking a west after the wolling about on the ocean. It stwikes me aw that there must be aw he-ah some othah attwaction besides out west that bwings Jack to Amerwica again, and he aw—weally too widiculous, yer know, by Jove—makes the aw same wemark with wegard to me. Aw, by the way, this sort of thing weminds me that aw Paget has marwied some Amerwican girl—can’t wecollect the name—believe was at the wed- ding—know the aw Pwince of Wales was there. Wonder if Paget will come to Amerwica. Some fellaws say he will aw. MY SUMMER REST. a 2], AM “strolling on the sands." ‘That is to AUP say 1 am digging my heels into the yield- GS jing shingle and withdrawing them’ with the greatest difficulty, while the toes of my boots are white with salt and sand. ‘his is called “ strolling.” (Parenthetical explanation —Inasong. Mem,—Write an article on the absurd selection of titles for popular songs.) Everybody is doing as I am, except those who are bathing and those who are drinking. (Flash—Go and have a drink.) I go. At the bar I meet two friends, Bilkins and Flusher, I say “Hallo” and they say ‘ Hallo,” and then we all stand looking at each other rather foolishly. Finally Bilkins says: ‘How have you been?” and appears to be waiting in the greatest anxiety for my reply. So does Flusher. f pase before I answer, not that there is any reason why I should, but it rather strengthens the reply. Then I say “ Well "—as if in doubt — “well, I've been very well,” and then, as if the inquiry were of the most vital importance, I say, “‘ How have you been?” Half an hour ago 1 shouldn't have cared a fig. (Query— Why always a fig? Why never an apple ora pear, or a paw-paw, or a pomegranate? Think this over and write it up. ‘Title—‘ Fruits of Carelessness.”) Now 1 find myself waiting breathlessly for an answer, which comes at length: “Only so-so.” (Mem.—Find out what “so-so” means.) After this we stand looking at each other again until Flusher says, “‘What do you say to a gin-fizz?” (Flash— To answer I never say anything to a gin-fizz. I never speak to anything that can’t answer, and gin is a product of the still. Second thoughts —But a gin-fizz might be able to “give me my answer,” because it’s sparkling. Ziird thoughts —A g.-f. will often tell on one, too.) I say nothing, but take my gin-fizz. (Mem.— It’s good.) (Flash—to order another round. Ido.) Then Bilkins does the same thing, and Flusher repeats. I say, ‘ Let’s have another,” but Flusher says, “Let’s go bathe.” I say, “Good—let’s.” We walk to where a sign says, | “Bathing-Suits To Let,” and while we are waiting for our suits, 1 think that at last I have found a place for my summer rest—pure air, surf-bathing, and plenty of life. Really I like Coney Island. (‘len:. fs paragraph—Call it | Coney-copia Island.) I suggest to Bilkins to | go to the bar and have another g.-f. before | bathing. Wego. ‘Thea we repair to bathing- houses (Query—Why not “ dressing-rooms and I put on my suit. (Mem.—it doesn’t suit.) I find the pants too small in the waist. (Flash —Order the sign to be changed to “ Bathing- Suits to Let Out.) We bathe, and I manage to swallow about a quart of the salt-water. (Flash—To say to any one who may ask me if I bathed, “Oh, yes, I took it all in.”) ‘This ends my pleasure, and I dress quickly, so that I may take a gin-fizz to counteract any disagreeable results from the salt-water. I see Bilkins and Flusher wink at each other and smile as we take our drink. Iam at a loss to understand why, until it occurs to me that perhaps the repeated gin-fizzes are be- ginning to affect them, ‘ Well,” I think, “if they don’t know when they’ve drank enough it’s no business of mine,” and I order another round, Flusher then proposes roast oysters. (Flash—Oysters roast and breakers roar.) We have them, and while they are cooking I pro- pose another round of gf. Filkins and Blusher —I should say Bilkins and Flusher again wink. Oh, there's no doubt about it—they're drunk. Filker a little more so than Blushins, I think. When the drinks arrive I watch B, and F. closely, yet still I cannot help (an active mind mine) thinking of good paraphrase, of Whom the cap fits, let him wear it.” Whom the gin-fizz, let him drink it. I see B, and F, are drunk, yet (Bohemjan vanity) I tell them this, They wink again and laugh. ‘Then I try to think up another—‘ Gin fizz,” I say aloud —“ gin-fizz—gin fizz” (am thinking of course), “gin-fizz —Jim Fisk.” I feel that I am growing rather ill—that confounded salt- water that I swallowed is making me sick. I propose a walk. B. and F. assent, and each take one of my arms. (Flash—They dare not trust themselves without support.) We walk. There seems to be twice as many people on the island as before. B. and F. are very unsteady, and I chuckle to myself. We see the catamarans, and I wonder why they should not be called cata-marines, at any rate they need old sea-dogs to manage them I men- tion this to B. and F., and they laugh, but do not answer. I determine to think it over. I cer- tainly have been in deep thought, for, without knowing it, 1 am standing at the clerk’s desk in the hotel, and Flashkins is registering for a room. What can they want with a rocm? Sud- denly it flashes on me—they being drunk, think I am so, and want to put me to bed. I'll humor them, and then have a laugh at them. I take B.'s and F,’s arms and we ascend the stairs. Really it is hard work to get them up —they are so grossly intoxicated, they make me stumble at every step. We are in the room. B. and I. pull off my boots. Poor fellows! they're very far gone, but it’s awfully funny for all that, and I laugh loudly—sodothey, But they—they don’t know what they're laughing at. ‘They insist on my lying on the bed. ‘Pon my word, this is the most amusing—but never mind, I'll humor them. Iliedown. ‘They, after great difficulty, find the door. ‘They are gone. ‘ Well,” I think, “of all the jokes"—then I laugh. 1 wish 1 could stop trying to fit ‘‘On the Beach at Coney Island” to the air of “On the Beach at Long Branch,” because it won't fit. I'll have a fin gizz and then go down and have a laugh at B. and F. “On the beach at Coney” -oh, pshaw! I think I'll get up. It’s too bad about B. and F. Where’s the waiter? Fin gizz. ‘On the Beach at Coney Branch”—I'll—I'll—fin gizz—and then—I believe I’m sleepy. (To be continued.) Tue boy who doesn’t know the difference between the nominative case and the Hindoo system of theology, and who doesn’t know whether California is one of the United States or one of the Hebrides, is generally good authority on base-ball and sporting statistics. comicbooks.com