Puck — August 14, 1878 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 3 ROWELL'S LITTLE GAME. ] Ae Essks. G. P. Rowett aNp Company are Me) culiar firm. They are, nominally, 2S advertising agents, and publishers of “ Rowell’s Newspaper Directory,” an institu- tion on = plan so vigorous, effective and ori- ginal, and at the same time so beautifully simple and direct, that it deserves particular notice from Puck. It shall have it. The “Newspaper Directory” purports to con- tain a list of all the regular publications in the country, with information more or less accurate —generally less —as to the nature, politics and general make-up of each one. The “estimated circulation” is also given; and it is here that Messrs. G. P. Rowell & Co.'s little scheme blossoms out in all its untrammeled beauty. If a paper is on Rowell’s Advertising List, and seems likely to survive that exhausting arrange- ment a little longer, it is credited in the “Directory” with a circulation of fabulous size and aristocratic selectness, And if it will con- sent to pay for an extra advertisement in the Directory, there is no limit to what Messrs. G. P. Rowell & Co. will do for it. If the South Keokuk Junction F/ambeau will only pay for enough pages in that charming book, it may have a circulation which will make the London Times pale its ineffectual fires, Asa general thing, few papers care to invest in this luxury. But this is a detail. We wish it to be distinctly understood that we have no objection to this pretty little system. If the ‘patent outsides," which con- stitute the greater part of Messrs. G. P. Rowell & Co.'s immense list of influential journals, care to spend their spare dollars on buying fancy circulations in Messrs. G. P. Rowell & Co.'s Directory, let them do it. If it amuses them, it does not hurt us, and it enables Messrs. G. P. Rowell & Co. to live—something they certainly couldn't do otherwise. And on the ground of general morality, there is nothing to be said. The public will not be deceived. Nobody, outside of a lunatic asylum, would ever look in the “Newspaper Directory” for facts. No, we see no reason why Messrs. G. P. Rowell & Co, should not run up—on paper— the circulation of such publications as see fit to pay them for so doing. But most distinctly and decidedly we protest against their running down the circulation of such publications as do not see fit to pay them. Of these latter, Puck, in all his Anglo-‘Teu- tonic duality, isone. He is in good company; his Esteemed Contemporaries, the //era/d, Times, Graphic and Fost, being also sufferers. But Puck has been specially singled out as the principal recipient of Messrs. G. P. Rowell & Co.'s back-handed favors. The “Newspaper Directory” for this year asserts that the circu- lation of the English Puck is 4,000, and that of the German 1,800. Both statements are un- trustworthy, heir untrustworthiness arises largely from. the fact that they are lies. The circulation of both papers is grossly under- stated. As far as our own edition of Puck is con- cerned, this little performance is not calculated to cause us any special annoyance. Puck has done what no other humorous publication in this cuuntry has ever done - it has succeeded. And a paper that circulates in every corner of the Union, as well as in England, France and Genmany, scarcely needs rise to explain that it prints more than 4,000 copies. But on behalf of the German edition, we think it proper to say a word to those of our English-speaking readers who may be misled as to the standing and circumstances of a journal printed in a foreign language. ‘The German Puck was founded some time before the English, and in less than two years has established itself on a solid business basis. From the first every department was entrusted to competent hands, and ,pPud“, being at once recognized as superior, both in general literary tone and in the artistic merit of its illustrations, to the trans-atlantic Uék, Klad- deradatsch and Fliegende Blatter, readily took their place in the hearts of “German-American” citizens. It now goes among the best classes of that large population, and has won itself a wide- spread and permanent popularity, which, we must remark in justice to our excellent friend and relative, it has always fully deserved. The German Puck has never circulated less than 10,000 copies. It is almost needless to repeat that the treat- ment which these papers have received at the hands of Messrs. G. P. Rowell & Co, is the direct result of the utter failure of their agent to induce Puck’s publishers to pay for an adver- tisement in the “ Directory.” Our dealings with this individual have been slight —very slight. We scarcely remember what they were. In fact, they were rather more of a nature to impress themselves upon the mind of the agent. But in a general way, and without precise ad- herence to the facts, we may say that the said agent once called on the publishers of Puck, requesting them to insert a ten-line advertise- ment for three years for one dollar, and to throw in a column editorial notice and a centre- page cartoon. The publishers handed him over to the office porter, who conducted him gently but firmly—by the ear—to the door, and indi- cated his destination to him in the way that appeared at the time most effective. This operation is technically called “ bouncing.” If the agent wants to come back and satisfy himself about the circulation of Puck, he may call at any time. But yet, though there may be some places which would be salubrious for that agent, we hardly think the business-office of Puck can be included in that category. THE BLOATED BONDHOLDER. We have all of us heard a good deal of the “bloated bondholder,” but very few of us have ever seen him. He is described as being a man of corpulent aspect with a plethoric pocket- book and financial sulvency staring out from every pore. He had a heavy tread and was great on oppressing the poor and lowly. In fact, this was his chief solace and delight. What amount of gain the pastime brought him we cannot say. But considering that his victims were mostly confirmed paupers, it may be in- ferred that the advantage gained was not, in a money sense, very substantial. ‘The bloated bondholder was always represented as great on the national banks. Indeed, they were started for his especial benefit. The bloated bond- holder used to indulge in banquets which were followed by grinding oppression of the poor. In all that has been written about our bloated friend no one ever found any good to say about him. He was always the personifica- tion of greed and wrong, and the individual receptacle for the wealth of the mint. Of late years the bondholder has changed a little. If he was a holder of railway bonds, he has vanished from the surface completely. If he had government bonds, he has sold them for cash. The bonds lost their charm in the transfer, and the new buyer is anything but bloated. In fact, he is severely attenuated. We regret the withdrawal of the bloated bond- holder from circulation. With all his faults he was nice to read about, and if our curiosity was sometimes piqued too far, to see him pro- duce suggested an end to investigation. We shall welcome the revival of the bloated bond- holder as a return to the times when money was plenty and fiction an easy commodity. NOTICE TO INVENTORS. OTWITHSTANDING our vain-glorious SN brag that we are the most inventive nation on the face of the earth, the fact is we fall far short of what we ought to be in the way of inventions. We make agricultural implements and we bottle up sound, to be sure; also, we have recently discovered how to make artificial ice. But here in this sweltering hot weather, when our brains are frizzling in our skulls, and our blood goes boiling through our brains, no man has arisen from the throng to cry—“ Eureka! I have found a way to box up this heat and store it away, as we do dried apples, for winter use!” And that’s what's the matter. There is more ice in the streets of New York this hot August day than there was last winter. Why so? Because man’s ingenuity knows how to utilize the products of December and hold them over to comfort his fellow man in July. Now, why doesn’t some other fellow utilize the heats of July and pack them away for use when the bitter cold winds of January freeze our blood, pinch our noses, and generally congeal us? Ho, Edison! Can’t you do something in this line for us? Everybody knows how Miss Tabitha or Aunt Huldah Tewksbury can carry a hot brick ora bottle of hot water to bed with them, and enjoy a warm bed-fellow till nearly morning. 1f in that small way heat can be preserved, why notin a larger, a wholesale sort of manner? We don’t want the heat; it costs nothing. Why not get some cylindrical reservoirs covered with asbestos, put them near a thermometer between noon and three o'clock, and then cork them up, tight! Then, in the cold wintry day, the present cry of “Oice! oice!” could be supplemented with that seasonable one of ‘Heat! heat! five cents a chunk!” ‘This would open up a fine industry for many deserving and stentorian venders who else will probably pass their long winter days playing casino for the drinks. Besides there must bea limit to the heat we are now squelching in; and if large quantities of it were reserved and packed away in reservoirs, there would be so much less lying around loose out-doors to sun- strike poor editors and make them how! for 3- cent beer. Nobody (but Kearney and such-like bloated aristocrats) yearns for ice as a table delicacy in winter; and everybody is disgusted with the atmospheric areas of caloric which during the summer solstice poison our blood. What we want is ice in hot weather, and chunks of heat in cold weather. That is natural. We always want what we can’t get; and it is the duty of inventive phi- losophers to supply our wants. Think of putting aslice of caloric in rum and spices, stirring it with a spoon, and how delicious our “hot Jamaica” would be next winter! How nobler, purer, more artistic than to make the same with b’iled water. And if a man could put a slice or two of caloric in his pockets, with another slice nestling in the small of his back, how calmly he could gaze at the worn seams and ragged edges of his last year’s ulster! No tailor’s bill for a new over- coat would stare him in the face. ‘This want of solidified caloric is a want that should be at once supplied; and we hereby warn Mr. Edison, Professor Doremus, Dr. Chandler, and all the great scientists of the day, that if they don’t attend to the matter at once, we shall be obliged, before the heated term is merged into tne balmy days of au- tumn, to place the whole affair in the hands of that great inventive genius, Mr. Kroeger a comicbooks.com