Puck — August 7, 1878 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. A GRAND SCHEME. Editor Puck: Knowing that you have always taken an active interest in the public questions and problems of the day, we enclose you our circular, hoping you will sgve our design the favor of your sup- port, and as much publicity as your columns will allow. We are, sir, Yours very truly, Kitrorp & STEeLe. TO THE PUBLIC. It has long been apparent to the most care- less observer that the system now in vogue, of corrupting the youth of our country, is radically inefficient. While, it is true, the sensational weekly paper, and the flashy variety show have tended largely to create in his breast those noble sentiments peculiar to highwaymen and pickpockets; while they have fired his adoles- cent heart with an intense desire to slay his fellow boy, to scour the plains of the Far West, to rescue distressed and mythical females from the toils of the oppressor; while they have era- dicated from his mind any lingering idea he might have had of the distinction between meum et tuum, still they are inefficient. And why? ‘They are merely theoretical. Contrary to the usual system pursued in edu- cation, the practical has been totally ignored. Hence it is that we see around us youths who by proper training might have made successful, awe-inspiring bandits, engaged in rifling theiz mothers’ bureau-drawers and their employers’ cash boxes; youths who might, even now, have been red-handed and glorious murderers, go forth (owing to their utter inexperience) armed with their great-grandfather's flint-lock musket unloaded, attack solitary travelers, are captured and kept in durance vile, where they run chances of being perverted to mere namby-pamby use- ful citizens. And boys and girls of tender, sentimental natures, who aspire to be suicidal heroes or heroines, do they not, after writing the most heart-rending epistles, as often take ipecac as arsenic? Do they know the situation of the carotid arteries,.or prussic acid from aqua pura? Of course not. It is to remedy these defects, and place mat- ters upon a proper footing, that we have spent the best years of our lives. We therefore take peculiar pleasure in announcing to the people of New York, and the country generally, that after the most incalculable labor we have made arrangements for openirg upon the first day of September, next, our Granp InstiTuTION FOR THE Promotion or Totat Depravity 1x Youtu, AND THE IncuLcaTIoN oF FELoNious SENTIMENTS IN THE Masses, As we anticipate a great rush for membership in our college, and will probably be unable to accommodate all who apply, we have formed the following RuLks AND REGULATIONS: No boy admitted under ten, or over eighteen, years of age. No boy will be admitted who has been in the habit of consistently telling the truth, or of re- fraining from taking things as he found them. Each applicant must answer satisfactorily questions as to the police statistics of the country, the best mode of seeing life, the loca- tion of the principal prisons, and must have read at least six dime-novels and subscribed for at least one sensational paper. Each pupil will be required to possess an out- fit of two six-shooting revolvers, a bowie-knife, a rifle, bows and arrows, a lasso, and two packs of cards. Each pupil will be required to smoke not less than six cigars per day, and to drink at least two quarts of beer or one pint of whisky in the same time. The ordinary conversation of the Academy will be in thieves’ Latin. Any boy who kills another will be severely reprimanded, and any boy found setting fire to the building will be kept on bread and water for three days. As we propose to combine the theoretical with the practical, we have adopted the follow- lowing List or StuptEs: Reading —Newgate Calendar; Lives of High- waymen, and all the boys’ papers published. Writing—Imitations of signatures. Burglary and Pocket-picking—Practical and theoretical. Arson —First lessons. Surgery—First lessons. ‘Together with a complete and thorough course of Slang, Billiards, Faro, Cold Decks, ete., etc. We have secured the services of several gen- tlemen, eminent in the profession, who will give semi-weekly lectures upon Burglary and Piracy. There will constantly be in attendance a corps of trained prize-fighters, punters and bil- liard markers, who will impart instruction to our little charges to the best of their ability. Also a band of Kickapoo Indians, who have consented to be shot at and lassoed by the pupils, at so much per day. We have constructed several large dungeons in which will be constantly imprisoned dis- tressed females, guarded by tall policemen. The pupils will at all times have the privilege of attempting to rescue them. In fact, it would be impossible to enumerate all the advantages our institution will possess. Suffice it to say, that we will have every facility for turning out the most complete criminals, in- stead of the misguided blockheads produced by the present system; and the amount of harm we intend doing the country will be appreciated by all who honor us with a visit. Should our experiment prove successful, we intend opening branches in all the large cities. Meanwhile we remain Yours most respectfully, Kitrosp & STEELE. Chatham Street, New York. RHYMES OF THE DAY. ALTHOUGH the foam which floats on beer Is crystal, snowy, chaste and clear, Though it doth mildly, sweetly glow, It’s hardly equal to the beer below. ‘TE boy stood erect on the sail-boat’s deck, Tho’ told that he hadn't oughter; The shifting boom struck the back of his neck, And “landed” him in the water, When the early worm-bird quits his nest; When the sun springs up from ocean's breast; When the cock crows invitation; When open the flowers, and the trees Sprinkle the ground at every breeze With drops of perspiration; When to his sky home soars the lark— Tis sweet to walk through Central Park In nature's contemplation. Tis sweet to quaff the fragrant air, Or the water at the Spa-r, And grow as hungry as a bear, But oh—'tis sweeter far To lie abed until nine—and then ‘Turn over again: and snooze till ten. M. W. B. AN INNOVATION. HIS is an age of innovations, Everything seems to be undergoing a change to such an extent that we almost believe it will soon be popular to commence a meal with dessert, to arise and dress oneself before going to bed, and to somehow make an arrangement by which a man’s funeral can “eventuate” previous to his birth. Almost everyone is pretty well acquainted with the usual humdrum routine of Sunday- school picnics. First comes a prayer, than ice cream, than a “scup,” as it is vulgarly called, followed by more prayer and a little scandal by way of spice. The picnic under consideration was a success in every respect, and we trust that its reverend projector will receive a monument at no dis- tant date. He should be recognized all over the country, for he has introduced a new feature into Sunday-school picnics, which takes all the old-time monotony out of them and makes them quite respectable, Instead of sandwiching prayers between all the events which transpired, this reverend benefactor introduced a series of horse-races, with 2:45 and 2:30 purses. ‘The races were all hotly contested, and everyone enjoyed them, even to the conventional Widow Johnson with the wart on her nose, Now, as this was a success, would it not be a good idea to have a Sunday-school picnic at every horse-race, in order to elevate it toa respectable and moral standard? If this could be done, there would probably be no swearing and drinking and betting on race-courses, and high-toned people would always be in attend- ance. This would make jit an object to the race-course proprietor, and ministers could, no doubt, effect engagements that would be suf- ficiently lucrative to enable them to wipe out church debts and other things. Take it all in all, we think horse-racing and Sunday-school picnics make a most happy com- bination, and the minister who will sustain this new departure by his support shall receive our hearty endorsement, and, we think, the endorsement of all sensible people. B JAPAN DEFIANT. ALL nations are more or less independent. Japan is a most remarkable nation in this re- spect. It fears no country, and it has often been known to go out and look for fight. This was the case recently when a French corvette landed in Japanese waters. The corvette was entirely innocent of any intention to capture the country and immolate the natives, Yet when the long-boat landed on the shore, the crew was confronted by two Japs who, they thought, had come down ostensibly for the purpose of digging clams. The astonishment of the crew can be better imagined than described when the two Japs stoutly denounced them as invaders, and swore by Ku-fi and the Holy Gum-gum of Yedo to sweep them from the face of the earth. Of course the crew of the corvette did not take water. They seemed as anxious to fight as did the Japs. This action on the part of the Frenchmen so tickled the Mongolians that they put their swords up and invited the invaders to take something. They did so, and the hatchet was buried, and they shed tears over each other. Thus a great war was averted with a moral that would adorn a Sunday-school story-book. Everything duly considered, it is dangerous for any nation to go fooling around Japan with the idea that they can have a picnic. When two men offer fight to a man-of-war, an army of them would be rather dangerous. comicbooks.com