Puck — July 31, 1878 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 5 “HIGH” ART AT THE PARIS EXHIBITION. Respectfully recommended to the attention of American buyers. The chromo will still continue to be the cherished darling of our native land. ARABELLA’S DESPERATION. Was paying marked attention to Miss Bugbee o’er the way; And to mi And Arabella’s face was getting withered, like old hay. Her Pa had paid out ducats—in handfuls—ay, in buckets! To rig his only daughter out in very latest style, And said it did behoove her, at once to get a lover, Ir was rough on Arabella, but she ascertained her fellow ¢ it more alarming, Miss B. was very charming, An’ nail him, when ye’ve got him! Remember this, me chile!” Now lotions killed her pimples, and left her many dimples, And her cheeks flushed very sweetly with a soft and pretty red. And her form ?—but that’s no matter, it was plump, I do not flatter, You'd as soon have thought of padding her, as pad a feather-bed. Now Alonzo Jacob Porter came and saw, and then he caught her, He caught her little virgin heart and pinned it to his own. But it was her father’s shekels (he himself had only nickels) Which determined A. J. Porter to cease going it alone. So this lover (spell it loafer) used to sit on horse-hair sofa And slobber that poor trusting maid for hours at a time. He would promise to be true, dear—‘‘I have no love but you, dear!” And ne’er a Pa to bounce him out when twelve o'clock did chime. Now this courting so emphatic may be very democratic, But it made poor Bella thinner grow and thinner day by day. She became quite gaunt and scraggy, and her cheeks grew very baggy, And her hair-I here repeat it—was the color of old hay. And to make this bad much worse, or, as if stern Fate would curse her, A. J. Porter ceased to nestle in the sofa as of yore, For no longer on the horse-hair could be found this naughty corsair, This pirate of young maidens’ hearts whom maidens wou/d adore. No; his true love he deserted, and he went right off and flirted With Phebe Brandreth Bugbee, whose soul for him did burn— For she, too, had cash galore—millions two, or millions more, And she'd kept her good looks also, while poor Bella had lost her’n. He went in big for beauty, but must also bag his booty, And Phebe’s Pa, quite handsomely had promised to come down; Not for a mess of pottage, nor for nary Love in cottage, Would the naughty Porter wreathe his brow with matrimonial crown, Then Vengeance rose quite fierce in Bella’s bosom, and loud piercin’ Shrieks and howls re-echoed loudly through her Pa’s palatial halls, And that Sire, from snooze arouséd, took her head and had it sous¢d In a tub of quite cool ice-water, to stop her caterwauls. “Cuss it!" he ejaculated, as at last the maid related How Fate had india-rubbered out her life's delicious plan. ‘The old chap never chaffed her, but he smothered up his laughter, And told her to just sail around and get another man. But for Vengeance loud she shouted, and it cannot e’er be doubted That had she had false Phebe then, false Phebe had grown bald And would have to be re-riggéd—be-frizzled and be-wigg In the spot where Arabella had her scalp so sore bemauled. But a horrid fancy struck her, made her heart to quiver, pucker; She would let false Phebe realize what Vengeance really meant. In her clothes she straightway wriggled, and sardonically giggled, And acted like the Arab when he foldeth up his tent. ‘To the corner 'pothecary, asking whether doth he carry In his great Pharmacopazia such a thing as—(whisper low). “Now,” quoth he, ‘my pretty daughter, don’t you know you hadn’t oughter? But—well—well —I s'pose I must, if you'll really have it so!” With that safe within a package, which should make her henceforth ck age, She hied her home and shut herself within her sweet boudoir. Bent on self-examination, and a thorough renovation— She with herse’f then entered in what may be called nude war. Then she swallowed down her phial, and she felt that surely nigh all Her troubles would be over when the drug began to work. And, indeed, the morrow-morning, without notice and without warning, The beauties which once lurked 'round her began again to lurk. Her cheeks resume their plumpiness, her bony form its dumpiness, Her eyes their ‘customed lustre—and she felt dead sure to win. And A. J. P. perceiving, yet, like Thomas, unbelieving, Made a halt and stammered timorously, ‘ er—if he—might come in?” To make our sad tale shorter, let us say that Bugbee's daughter Received a left-hand mitten from the hand of A. J. P. And again he is the feller of his once deserted Bella, Who riots in a Vengeance with a great black letter Y, The wediing-day arrives, and like bees around the hives Come Bella's friends and Bella's foes, e’en those who do not know her; When, alas! before the altar, the bride is seen to falter, And with a squash to stretch herself along the marble floor. Her eyes from out their sockets, like boys’ marbles from their pockets, And her teeth and hair and other things, go tumbling all about. Her buxom form collapses—‘‘What does this mean?” Then her Pap says, And the sexton tells the populace, they'd better quick git out. This effected without vi'lence suddenly there broke the silence A grating voice that seemed to mock, to sneer, and to deride: “T claim this body,” said he. ‘ Make haste and get her ready, I've got a strong pre-emption claim on every suicide!” Blue-fire and sulphur floated through the air, as all there noted, And a stranger stood among them, of dark and hideous mien. And he bent o’er poor dead Bella, as if something he would tell her, But his words were not the honeyed words of lover's voice, I ween. “ Well now,” he said, ‘just blow me! I see you do not know me! Here's my tail, and hoof, and horns—don’t you see I'm Parson Nick? This gal must be my bride—it’s a case of suicide-- For she killed herself, as sure as fate, by swallerin’ arsenic!” Morat—Buy “ Periwinkle’s Pimple-Eraser and Plumpener.” E.S, L. FROM THE COUNTRY. Orricious Rustic:—“Hi—Say! You're losing all your water!” ) comicbooks.com