Puck — July 31, 1878 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 3 AN ENGLISH PAPER. R tion’s daily life. In America, its func- tion is to contain what is going on; in cate them; in England, to reflect their feelings and record their opinions. Considering that, their opinions are until they read them in the newspapers, this is scarcely to be wondered at. run in accord with accepted traditions, that a. tolerably alert reader can, with a little practice, nicety. Taking up an English paper, here is what you will find; Second. Something about the barometer. Third, Indian curries and sauces. NEWSPAPER is. the mirror of a na- France, to amuse readers; in Germany, to edu- in most cases, the English do not know what So closely are the generality of English papers tell their constituent parts with arithmetical First. A cocoa advertisement. Fourth, A news item: «The Prince of Wales took a walk on the Strand yes- terday, but, in consequence of the rain, did not remain out long. We trust that when his Highness goes out again the weather will be more propitious.”” Fifth, Advertisement of water-proof cloaks, Sixth, Item of police news: «The hearing of the case against Rumsdale de Gage Everleigh, the bank-robber, was continued last month, and several new facts were elicited (they will be pub- lished next week). The prisoner was loudly cheered on leaving the court.”” Seventh. The Queen: «+ Her Majesty took breakfast last Friday as usual. $I was to have left London for Aldershot last ‘Thursday.’ Eighth. Ninth. “A brother of the late Vice-President Wilson opens the door for visitors to the United States Senate Cham- 7 Cocoa advertisement. Item of American news: Tenth, Something about Mr. Gladstone: “Mr. Gladstone has contributed to ‘Macmillan’s Shilling Series? a ‘Primer of Homer,’ which is now in the press.” Eleventh. Cocoa advertisement. ‘Twelfth, Telegraphic item from the coun- try: «At Clerkenwell, Ellen Rodney, a domestic servants of Bunhill-row, St. Luke’s, was charged, before Mr. Ho- sack, with attempting to throw herself from the City- road bridge into the water of the Regent's Canal, with intent to commit suicide. From the evidence of Police- constable Pettitt, 340 N, it appeared that about half-past one on Sunday morning he saw the defendant run to the above bridge, mount the parapet, and was in the act of throwing herself into the water, when he caught her dress, and took her into custody. When he spoke to her about the matter, she simply said that she was tired of life, and wanted to drown herself. The defendant now said that she had had a few words with her young man, and that annoyed her. She left her situation on ‘Thursday last. Mr. Hosack remanded the defendant to the House of Detention for a week, so that she might be seen by the chaplain.” Thirteenth. Cocoa advertisement. Fourteenth. Parliamentary news: *¢In the House of Lords, to-day, Earl De la Warr will call attention to the report of the Select Committee on Employers’ Liability for Injuries to their Servants, In the House of Commons, Mr. Benett-Stanford will ask the Foreign Under-Secretary for an explanation of the appointment of Colonel Wellesley as First-Secretary of the British Embassy at Vienna, and Mr. Holgath Hidgson Hunton-Hulbert will inquire into the Abuses of the Naval Service.” Fifteenth. A Northumberland suicide: “One month ago yesterday, Mr. W. J. Harriss, coro- ner for the Sittingbourne district of Kent, held an in- quest at Sheerness, touching the death of Thomas Jones, a gunner of the Royal Artillery, who had committed sui- cide in Garrison Point Fort." One of the deceased's comrades got up shortly after four o'clock in the morn- ing, and found deceased had bung himself by lying at fall length on the ground, with his fread suspended by a rope attached to the handle of the door of an empty room, the handJe being only three feet from the ground, “ Deceased was of a morose and eccentric disposition, and had been drinking the night previously. Verdict, ‘Temporary insanity.” Sixteenth. Abreast with the times: _ “MEMORIAL TO MR. BRIGHT.—A very extensively- signed memorial has been forwarded from Runcorn to Mr. Jacob Bright for presentation to Parliament, protest- ing against war.” Seventeenth. Cocoa advertisement. Eighteenth. Item about the Prince of Wales. Nineteenth. Letter from Mr. Gladstone. Twentieth. The last new guide-book. This usually takes about a column and a half,and is read with the utmost zest and satis- faction by Englishmen. If there is any more space in the paper re- maining, it is equally divided between cocoa advertisements and letters from readers com- piste of the condition of the streets, the lack of omnibus accommodations, the state of the tramways, the necessity of united action on the Eastern question, the health of the Prince of Wales, the obstinacy of the ther- mometer, and other standard British griev- ances, The utter lack of news will be pain- fully seen. But English readers do not look for much news in their papers, so long as the guide-books are noticed, and cocoa and cor- dials well advertised. A nation of readers who are still under the impression that an ano- nymous letter to the 7imes will right any error or abuse under Providence, can scarcely be ex- pected to have anything but vague and crude ideas on the subject of newspapers. BLACKBERRIES. ACKBERRIES, the tart Othellos and Jim Crows of the wayside, are now in GF i order, Canned Othellos are always in season, but in their natural state they are not. Most persons will undoubtedly agree with us in this. The blackberry is a great delicacy, and it is safe to say that it is liked by every one except the man who appears in white vest and trousers. Ue does not like it; he fears and respects it. The blackberry is the cause of many a pleas- ant ramble; it is the excuse which girls make to get out for a day’s peripatetic romance. The great beauty in favor of blackberries on the bush, in contradistinction to the table, is that they are not full of flies. No matter how delicious blackberries may be, a single fly dis- covered among them gives birth to many un- pleasant reflections on the part of the discov- erer, It is a sort of double-barreled multum-in- parvo discovery. In restaurants these berries are counted —so many to the dish. ‘This goes to show the high esteem and value placed on them by the public caterer. We don’t know that Plato, Euripides or So- phocles ever partook of the berries now under discussion, but the chances are that they did. ‘They did a great many greater things, and it is our candid opinion that men who succeeded in writing tragedies and other works which disarm criticism and defy imitation, would not allow osterity to boast that they had never eaten Blackberries, We have written some d. g. things ourselves, and eaten blackberries, too, and we don’t pretend to equal the ancient gentlemen before alluded to. Blackberries can be had for two cents per quart if you can beat the vender down to that price, Blackberries—it’s dinner-time. THE ALBUM MANIA, Moz. young Radics own an autograph album. these albums they are ~~” sirous of having inscribed the names of their friends, together with a verse. The verse is what clinches itself into the girl's soul, whether it (the verse) be original ornot. Most fellows pretend they can’t write original vcrocs, so, when called upon to indite, the youth of the period pushes back his piccadilly, takes a long breath, and commences: «The rose is red, The violet blue, Sugar is sweet,” (Or * Vinegar is sour "—if the young man despises the young lady), “And so are you.”” Now, in an enlightened age, it is terrible to think that this verse is used so much, and that young men won't read up or purchase that sen- timental candy known as “ mottoes,” in order to vary the thing. The sentiment of the verses found in albums is generally nice and silly, but seldom sincere, Taking this into consideration, together with the fact that almost any verse will satisfy a girl, we think there ought to bea reform. ‘There ought to be something humorous done in the album verse line. For instance: TO MIRABEL. O, Mirabel, you're coy and sweet, And, like a fawn, you're shy and fleet, A rose is your mouth, and No. 6's Of satin case your fairy feet. When looking in your seal-brown eyes, And drinking your melodious sighs, Ah, for your kisses, sweet, I hunger, And also for your cherry pies. Now tell me, dear, in melting tones, To still my anxious, doubting moans, That you will wed no other fellow Than Yours respectfully, Tommy Jonzs. It is fair to presume that such verses as the foregoing would make a revolution in auto- gtaphic circles, We think some such are needed, and if any young man would like something in this vein, and is not ponderous enough to evolve the same from his inner vitality, let him drop us a line, and we'll do it for him. We think a money-order or a registered letter would be the safest way. THE LADY IN THE ADJOINING BATH-HOUSE. 1 could hear her softly breathing, as her form she was unsheathing, And she stepped from shapes and corselets upon the bath-house floor—- I could fancy all her beauties—eyes and dim- ples—tootsie-wootsies, And that, though partitioned off, she was some- thing to adore. Off falls her tiny boot—now she's putting on her suit. Now, cheek and boldness aid me, one s/y look to get at her! Her hand is on the knob—my heart gives one big throb— And (0, see here, this is ever so much too awfully ridiculous, you know) By George, the gal is a mulatter! Ir sleep is the sister of death, is not reclining on a bed of violets with a pretty girl fanning you, and punctuating her remarks with kisses, the brother-in-law of beatitude ? comicbooks.com