Puck — July 3, 1878 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE ASTRONOMER. ITHOUT seeking to excite a contro- versy on the subject, we think it safe to assert that in all that has been writ- ten, either from the scientific or from the popular standpoint, about the telescope, it has never been regarded in, so to phrase it, a war- like aspect. It has never been looked upon as an instrument of discord in society; and if there have been any to regard it as a disturber of domestic peace and happiness, they have been few in number, and their efforts to attract the public attention have been singularly un- | successful, Yet it is strange that in an age of distinctively radical thought and aggressive speculation, there has been no Huxley of as- tronomical science; no Proudhon of social reform to point out the subtler potentialities of the brazen cylinder that draws the illimita- ble heavens and the four quarters of the earth into its shameless focus. It is true, and we do not wish to deny it, | that the world is fully aware of the vast num: ber of irreproachable maiden ladies who hav been shocked into convulsions, epileptic and hysteric, by the injudicious use of the telescope and its congener, the opera-gl ss, upon aquatic ranges affected by small boys. It is also an undeniable fact that the telescopes in the various government observatories have deve oped a disease known in medicine as budimy — a mad and insatiable hunger for government appropriations which, reacting indirectly but forcibly upon the taxpayer, has tended to re: duce the popular interest in astronomical pur- suits, But the arcane balefulness, the hidden depravity of the telescope has never yet. been fairly exposed. Now, however, we propose to enlighten our readers on this point by re- counting an idcident that lately occurred at Keokuk, Iowa. Keokuk, Iowa, is a city of aspirations. It has recently built a Roman Catholic Cathedral, seating over nine hundred persons; and it is now patiently waiting fora patron saint. In other points, also, it is showing a remarkable amount of enterprise in modeling itself upon the pattern of various European cities, such as | Pisa, Floren-e and Birmingham. ‘The recent canting of a disused shot-tower in the sixth ward has brought it very nearly up to the level of Pisa; and the addition of a veritable legend | or two will go far toward elevating the flower of Iowa towns to the lofty standard of Eu- | ropean communities. One such legend hasal- | ready been supplied by Mr. Pedro Locker, of South Ransom Street. South Ransom Street is a broad and impos- ing avenue, graded and paved by assessment; but planted with trees which, being set out by government contract, have developed a marked tendency to anemia, measuring-worms and sudden death, It runs far into the suburbs, and is bordered by the residences of the mer- cantile aristocracy of Keokuk, who, anxious to escape, after the heat and burden of the day, from the vast and oppressive bustle of the city, have sought in suburban nature a refuge and a safe real-estate investment. Among the denizens of Ransom Street, fre- quentiy referred to by the ungodly of Keokuk as the ‘ransomed sinners,” none was more re- spected, and none is now more sincerely sympa- thized with than Mr. Pedro Locker. ‘Ihe sin- gularity of Mr. Locker’s prenomen may be ex- plained by the statement that his mother was a Brazilian brunette. The fact that Mr. Locker's hair, in the days when he had it, was of a bril- liant red, whereas his father’s was black, may be explained otherwise; but we do not en- deavor to explain it. ‘The general diffusion of knowledge in regard to Brazil renders it unne- cessary to enter into details. oo) | tant point with amateur astronomers. Mr. Pedro Locker-is, or rather was, an ama- teur astronomer. He was at one time a pork- broker, but since his retirement to Ransom Street ona handsome fortune, he has seen fit to subordinate pork to astronomy. Having mentioned that Mr. Locker is an amateur of the divinest of sciences, it is scarcely necessary to say that within twelve lunar months he has rediscovered most of the known planets, as well as several of which he appears to have a monopoly, undisturbed by rival astronomers. ‘There are already meander: ing about the trackless heavens two well-devel- oped asteroids, one whereof bears his own name, slightly latinized, and the other of which he has kindly named after ex-President Grant. The General, we are pained to say, has exhibited a sad lack of interest in the stel- lar infant chosen to immortalize his name. Without being a man of sanguine expectations, Mr. Locker had, we think, a perfect right to look for a silver cup with an inscription: “To My Godson, care P. Locker, Esq.” About two months ago, Mr. Locker cast aside the venerable marine telescope that had so long stood him in good stead, and in a moment of frenzied ambition purchased a new and expen- sive instrument. It was a handsome article, it must be acknowledged, long of range, and chaste yet rich in external design - an impor- Mr. Locker little dreamt of the awful influence that glittering tube was destined to exert on his whole existence. It was on a beautiful night in April when Mr. Locker determined to inaugurate his new tele- scope, and to that end invited three friends to share vith him the first-fruits of its focus. These friends were adjacent astronomers, amateurs like himself, one of them distinguished by the discovery of two rings hitherto unknown to Saturn. Of the other two, one had taken the scalps of two Jovian satellites, and the second had put a small but healthy comet to his credit. Mr. Locker’s next-door neighbor was not 1n- cluded in the party. This neighbor was a youn; and worldly man, who had questioned the e istence of one ot Mr. Locker’s asteroids, and had otherwise shown himself the owner of a mind given over to unscientific skepticism and levity. Another presence missing in the little group that surrounded Mr, Locker's new telescope was that of Mrs. Locker. Besides his telescope, Mr. Locker had, at that time, cause to congra- tulate himself on the possession of a young and beautiful wife. Mrs. Locker was a lovely blonde, of Georgian extraction and of astronomical tastes. She encouraged her husband, as a true wife should, in his favorite pursuit, and if on sturmy nights he ever showed an inclination to omit his regular journey to his observatory (which was situated on a knoll in a field abuut a quarter of a mile from the house) she excited his imagination with visions of asteroids yet undiscovered, and sent him forth hopefully to | his regular nocturnal exercise. She rarely, how- ever, accompanied Mr. Locker, pleading that while the wearing of thin kid boots might be perfectly compatible with sincere devotion to science, yet walking therein through the dewy midnight meads would be likely to cost science a devotee, through the medium of bronchitis. ‘his explanation her spouse always accepted as almost axiomatic in its logical simplicity. On the night in question, Mr. Locker was especially anxious to exhibit to his friends an occultation of Venus which the astronomers of | the U.S. observatories, lapped! in governmental luxury, had disgracefully neglected to foresee and chronicle. According to Mr, Locker's cal- culations, Venus was due around the corner of the south wing of his own house, just abaft his wife's dressing-room, at precisely 10:4334 P.M. while the moon, as he pointed out to nis com- panions, was so situated that a line drawn from ee 5 the top of the water-pitcher on Mrs. Locker's washstand to the hanging-basket in the window would just “fetch” it. There was no lamp in the apartment, which was, as we have said, fully a quarter of a mile away, yet the moon- light streamed in so clearly that Mr. Locker had no difficulty in fixing the basic line from the jug to the hanging-basket, on which he had reckoned the angle of incidence necessary to get Venus where he wanted her. This done, as it still lacked several minutes of 10:4334, Mr. Locker generously tossed up with his friends to see who should apply his eye to the tube when the chronometer marked the magic moment. The astronomer with the satellites of Jupiter got the first choice of place, the Saturnian ring man coming second; and the genius with the comet took the third innings, while fate assigned Locker himself to the finish, Afier a few moments of anxious suspense, time was called, and the friend of Jupiter leaped to the eye-piece with an eagerness that nearly overturned the telescope. In a second he gave vent to an inarticulate exclamation of surprise that caused Mr. Locker to beam with satisfac- tion and inquire gleefully whether he didn’t call-that an occultation of Venus. His friend didn’t answer at the moment; but on turning from the instrument, after a prolonged inspec- tion, he remarked that he did. Indeed, he appeared to be thoroughly converted to Mr. Locker’s theory, so much so, indeed, that he shoved the next’man down into his place, and reidjusted the glass for him. This was the Saturaian. He remained for nearly a minute with his eye glued to the lens, and then retiring, with what seemed to Locker the sardonic smile of envy, went into a dark corner of the obser- vatory and communed with himself. The man who made a specialty of comets next approach- ed the new telescope, and at the first glance broke into a cerulean streak of profanity, and ended by falling on the floor and rolling there, presumably in an ecstasy of astronomical exal- tation. By -this time Locker could bear it no longer. He leaped to the telescope, his practised eye drawing an instantaneous bead on his own house, and found himself gazing over the be- fore-mentioned water-jug into his wife’s room. He saw also that his wife was receiving com- pany. ‘This was nothing in itself; but he ob- served that she was receiving her company with a unanimity, not to say warmth, decidedly unbecoming in the wife of an astronomer. He noted, further, that the company wore light trousers and a three-button cut-away coat, and that his hair was parted in the middle. By these marks, as well as by the young man’s gen- eral air and manner, he recognized the next- door neighbor --the objectionable skeptic of the adjoining estate. His wife’s arms were about the company’s neck; her snowy fingers played with his jetty curls, while her warm lips yielded up all their luscious treasure to his moustache. The exact particulars of the walk home have never been transcribed; but one of the scien- tists has been heard to say that it was a very good telescope, but scarcely calculated to be used as a battering ram on a door of the solid- ity of Mr. Locker's. ‘The other two astronomers gave their testi- mony in court with sufficient clearness and dis- tinctness to enable Mr. Locker to marry again, | should he so desire; but it is to be regretted that while on the witness-stand they began a discussion with the prosecuting attorney as to the transmission of light and the value of bi- nocular instruments. ‘The presiding judge, however, checked the attempt as irrelevant and extraneous, remarking that before the awful importance of a telescopic divorce-suit, even the molecular theory paled into comparative insignificance. comicbooks.com