Puck — June 5, 1878 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 13 ‘A WAIL FROM SYRACUSE. This town seems to be pretty nearan orphan this spring in circus matters.—Syracuse Stand- ard. THE MOST AWFUL YET. ‘The prison-bird who passes his time in Sing Sing is something more than a night-in-jail.— Yonkers Gaselte. PROFESSIONAL. With the exception of delinquent subscrib- ers, everything is about a fortnight earlier than usual this year.—ew London Telegram. VAN COTT DISCOUNTED. Mrs. Maggie Van Cott says “there will be more women in heaven than men.” Tally an- other point on the future punishment side.— Danielsonville Sentinel. HORRIBLE. INSINUATION. ‘They say Dr. Mary Walker is learning to chew tobacco, which explains why she hasn’t been seen on the street for six days, and has all her meals sent up to her room. —/oriland Sunday Times. INSPIRATION, The Stillwater, Minn., Lumberman thinks tramps, chopped fine, would make good fish- bait. POETRY OF THE HOUR. Now wield the girls the mallet-sticks With strange infatuation; And meanwhile play fantastic tricks With loudest cachinnation: ‘Their mallets swing, the game to win, Regardless of the friction; ‘Till suddenly one strikes a shin, And, though she struggles hard to grin, She shrieks her mallet-diction. --Hackensack Republican, Earty fruit catches the worm, This is re- liable.— Norr. Herald. ‘Tue Czar hesitates about seizing Bessarabia. He is afraid it belongs to Mrs. Gaines. — Boston Society. Tue Servians have occupied Sofa. What will the girls and their young men do Sunday nights?— Cincinnati Breakfast Table. “A rolling stone gathers no moss,” but it often collides with a man’s shins, which is a much sadder reflection.— Fulton Times, Tue American navy is to be reorganized. A chicken coop is to be built in one of our largest war steamers.— Krontkle-Herald. Wuat's a hotel without homo ?— Unanimous conundrum by the lady patrons of Stewart's late Hotel for Women.— Xochester Ev. Express. In respect to the memory of Earl Russell, the British lion will wear the usual badge of murning on its tail for 30 days.—Avonikle- Herald, A pRIZE-FIGHT between a man and a woman took place in Minnesota the other day. ‘This woman-fights movement is growing.— Aronikle- Herald. Tue position of baggage-master at this season of the year is one of solemn responsibility, in- voluntary profanity and unlimited perspiration. —Syracuse Standard, Berore a man delibritely makes up his mind to be a raskal, he shood examine hisself clusly, tew asertane if he ain't better constitooted fur a phool.—/osh Billings. Gerorce FRancis ‘Train says Puck is a great paper. "Tis well, George Francis. For this speech we'll allow six months more of life.— Phila, Kronikle-Herald. Ear Russet is dead. He died this time at 10.50 o'clock last night, at Richmond. For obituary see the Evening Express, Friday, May 17.— Rochester Express. Wuat is the difference between a fashion- able hotel and the latest style hankerchiefs? Ans.: One has white boarders and the others have colored borders.—Norr. Herald. AN old Irishman watching a game of base- ball, was sent to grass by a foul which struck him under the fifth rib. ‘A fowl, wuz ut? Begorra, I thought it was a mule."— Unknown Humorist of the Old School. One sweetly solemn thought Comes to me, o'er and o'er, The Legislature now adjourns, And will be seen no more. —Phila, Bulletin. ‘Tue moon reflects from starry decks, On happy ones below, Who lean and wait o'er garden gate And whisper soft and low. Gowanda Enterprise. “Paper, sir?” asked the newsboy. ‘No, I never read,” was the blunt answer. “Hi, boys, come here,” called out the gamin, “here's a man as is practicin’ for the jury!" Unidenti- fied Ex. “1 am all for peace,” says John Bull, ‘so trot the Sepoys over here double-quick.” “I'm full of peace,” says the Czar, “but just be lively with those privateers and torpedo boats.” —Lowell Courier, ‘Tennyson's first ambition in life was to bea soldier. He did a braver thing. He wrote and published orginal poetry. Perhaps he killed more people too, who knows? — Syracuse Standard. A oy will make pretty good time when he’s sent down town for raisins; but give him a eoal-oil can, and you'd better put a mark on him, so as to identify him when he comes home. — Boston Sociely. As the eminent theologians left him no other place to go, Boss Tweed went to heaven and calmly awaits the coming of Beecher and the rest of the good men.— Burlington Hawkeye. A New Jersey man, of an inventive turn of mind, undertook to accomplish the biblical feat of walking on water. He was found two weeks afterwards, but he was as dead as the late Julius Cxsar, Esq.—Norristown Herald, Hariz, the Persion poet, once remarked: “In every man’s heart is a chaplet of eggs, each of which contains a love. ‘To break these eggs is required only the smile of a woman.” Very few Persian poets were Hafiz smart.— Norr. Herald, Just before the production of Fred. Mars- den’s “Clouds” for Miss Minnie Frye’s benefit at Washington, it is said that young lady went to the Congressicnal Library and asked to see a copy of that play. ‘The scholarly Mr. Spof- ford blandly lugged out a folio edition of a drama of that name —author, Mr, Aristophanes, who lived something over two thousand years ago, and printed in large and comely Greek characters. Explanations ensued, and the slight error in chronology was set right.—Philadel- phia Mirror. In mailing newspapers be sure and put on postage enough. Many papets are destroyed in the post-offices because they Have not been properly stamped. In mailing the New York Sun never put on stamps enough, Much good can be accomplished in a quiet way by follow- ing this course.-- Syracuse Standard. Cortes of Jeff. Davis's letter read at the de- dication of the Confederate monument at Macon, Ga., are sold in the South in frames at ten cents apiece. According to this valuation, the letters of Benedict Arnold and Mr. J. Iscariot should find a ready sale in the col- lapsed Confederacy at twenty-seven dollars apiece.—Norr, Herald. Ir all the peanuts that are crunched and munched at American theatres and concerts, during the affecting scenes and the softest pass- ages, were placed in one heap, the pile would measure 1,492 miles in circumference at the base, and the apex of the pyramid would go through the sun and stick up a mile and a half on the other side-— Hawkeye. A an in Austin, Nev., remarked, “If I were ‘Tilton I would not want to live. I would be like Judas Iscariot, and take a six-shooter and go off to some secluded spot and blow off the top of my head.” How ignorant those Nevada people are. It was Nebuchadnezar who went out with a six-shooter and shot the top of his head off.—Danbury News. A woman who had spent the greater part of the day in going to auction sales, concluded she would attend service at a fashionable church in New York on her way home. Wearied and worn out, she soon became oblivious to her surroundings, and was only awakened by the rustling of the congregation as they arose to receive the benediction. Seeing the minister’s hand raised in the air, she waved her handker- chief at him, and said, ina clear voice, “I'll take the green washstand, if you'll throw in the bowl and pitcher,”— Audrews's Bazar, Jack Gitpert, of the Sunday Times, isa firm believer in the possibilities of the phono- graph. He looks hopefully forward to the time when he can have Kellogg and Cary, Booth and Jefferson, with his beer. It will be this way, says Jack: “Here, you boy, glass beer and’a pony Kellogg,” and if he feels par- ticularly blue— Big schooner, Aimée and a pretzel.” ‘‘Beer drawn from the wood and free phonograph,” ishis dream.— Phila, Mirror. Rev. Jasper has two crushing questions: “If de sun do not move, why do Joshua com- mand it to stan’ still?” he inquires; and then he sits down and says, ‘I'll wait sixty year fer you to respondicate to dat!" And when the next astronomer comes along, he exclaims, “Tf de earth bees roun’, how does de anjils stan’ ’pon de foah cawners?” And then he smiles contemptuously and winks one eye in a slow and eloquent manner.— Unknown Ex, “Incoupssy,” a fair, frail young man from the Flint River district, sends us a beautiful poem of which we can only afford space for one line, “I would fly to the woods like the whip-poor-will.” He can’t fly, there’s no_use talking or thinking about it; he might go ina balloon, but he never can fly like the whip- poor will, if he tries all summer. However, if he writes any more poetry like that, we will see that he gets to the woods if we have to carry him there — Hawkeye. Mr. Hitciper went home the other night considerably intoxicated and afflicted with double vision. He-sat for some time with his sleepy gaze riveted on Mrs. Hilgilder, and then quietly remarked: “ Well (hic), I hope t’holler if you two gals don’t look enuff alike to be (hic) twins.”=- Unknown Ex. comicbooks.com