Puck — May 15, 1878 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

INTERVIEW WITH SENATOR CONKLING! THE GREAT MAN SPEAKS! THE BOTTOM FACTS AT LAST! TZ NOWING full well the interest with which the world hoards up the utterances “&™~ of the mighty and magniloquent senior Senator of New York, and fecling aggrieved that his views should have been distorted into a worldly interview printed now some two weeks ago, Puck determined to satisfy the de- sires of the waiting multitudes, and to havea personal interview with the Senator himself. Before the magic name of Puck all doors fly open, and soon he was seated in the presence of the lordly and top lofty jurist, adiniring his magnificent torso, and wondering at the turkey- cock toss of his head. “New York is a great commercial State,” said Puck, “and you are its great representa- “T am,” said the Senator modestly, ‘as a fact, I am its great representative, in spite of all that little Evarts may think.” “ And New York,” pursued Puck, “ is a com- mercial State more interested than any other in all questions of Finance. Now, New York desires to know:-the views of her senior Sena- tor on the Silver question.”” “When opportunity and occasion command my voice, it shall be heard. I am even now preparing the Greatest Effort of my Life. The able financiers who have had the Silver bill in hand have had my fullest sympathy under the malignant assaults which have been made upon them by little Roberts and petty papers like the New York Zimes, which are intriguing covertly against my reélection next year.” “And upon the new Tariff? New York does three-quarters of the exporting and importing for forty millions of people. What are your views on the reduction of duties?” “T have no hesitation,” said the Senator, slowly and with emphasis, “in declaring my great interest in the Custom House. The me- chanism of government has always given me abundant food for thought. I can sce no rea- son why the present officers, whom I appointed, should now be removed by this man Hayes.” “And in regard to the Income ‘Tax ?” que- tied Puck. The Senator smiled a lordly smile, “ Ay friends,” said he, “ hold offices under the gov- ernment, and their salaries are exempt from the tax, so [ really do not care about the bill. In fact, in most of these matters of mere legis- lation I take but little interest. In a country constituted as ours is, and ruled by laws as wise as those which we have made for ourselves, I have discovered the one important subject to which I needs must most frequently turn my attention intellectually to be the appointing power and the prerogative and courtesy of the Senate. To these branches of the subject I have devoted steady and constant and contin- uous attention.” Puck, ill-concealing his admiration for the great labor of the Senator, ventured to put in a query about the Timber thefts which the Secretary of the Interior had put a stop to. “Tt is another Hessian outrage,” said the Senator loftily. “Schurz is depriving these poor people of their regular living; they have always taken the timber of the nation, and he tries to prevent them. No man from a small and old country like Prussia can understand the conditions of our Constitution, Schurz is a scatter-brained theorist, who, I am in- formed and believe, plays the piano “And the Reform in the Civil Service?” asked “Tt isa fraud, sir, a great fraud; as great a fraud as this man Hayes himself. It is an at- tempt to establish an oligarchy of office-holders. When the Florida matter comes finally out, the whole world will see what sort of an orange this man Hayes is. He pretends to be a tem perance man. I tell you, I know better. I have seen him drink. I have drunk with him. I have known of his being drunk. He suffers from delirium tremens. He sees snakes in the White House, and he smells rats every time he hears a whisper. I tell you, sir, that this man Hayes has kept a saloon, nay, that he keeps a gin-mill now in the White House itself, and that he docks the servants’ wagesif they go elsewhere for their morning cocktails. fact!" And Puckx left the legislator to return to the Preparation of the Greatest Effort of his Life. I know this for a IN REGARD TO THE TRAMP. Fue tramp is an individual over whom we ) have never heard any one gush to any < great extent. Some people will laud miserable actors to the skies, and go almost crazy with admiration for a third-rate poet, and yet they have nothing but sneers and scoffs for a first-class tramp. The tramp is far superior to many other | people in some ways, and the charges brought against him are, in nine cases out of ten, totaily uncalled for. Imprimis, he is accused of laziness, which charge is, of course, unjustifiable, as he is ever on the move from place to place. Then again he is far superior to the average man who is out of work, for, instead of lying around and living on his friends, he displays his manhood by marching boldly forth to rough it in storm and sunshine, and face the cold indif- ference of an uncharitable world, Everyone gets the bulge on him; ifhe doesn’t work they say it is Lecause he won't ask for it. And if he does ask for it, he won't get it. If one, for instance, should go into a news- paper office and say that he was “chockfull” of work if he could only get a show, and if they would let him becéme paragrapher at twenty dollars per week, he would soon demonstrate his activity, do you suppose they would hire him? It is true he purloins chickens and other edibles, but what of that? Poultry is cheap, and all that is stolen by him and his kind in a year does not amount to near so much as the plum that disappears occasionally with a single bank president. People of liberal ideas should never find fault with the tramp because he wanders around with no particular point in view. He knows what benefits him physically, and by keeping out ef the city he confers a boon upon a certain class, for by so-doing he gives them a chance to secure the vacancies which daily occur. The tramp, unlike the aristocrat, doesn’t spend his time at the race-course and the gaming-table, squandering thousands of dol- lars, and the effects of champagne and riotous living do not glow in his face. He doesn’t wear high-priced clothes and patent-leather boots; he doesn’t get shaved every other day, and divide his hair in the middle; in short, he does more to promote good solid ideas, and to crush foppery and Beau Brummellism than anyone else. It is true his wardrobe is portable, and he is generally editorially short of funds; but he doesn’t require a dress-suit on the highway, and of what earthly use would money be to him when he can find no place to spend it? He sleeps in the open fields, to be sure, and this is in his favor; it shows that his soul is sus- ceptible of the divine afflatus, He is a poet beyond doubt when he will indifferently pass the sumptuous halls of opulence and ease, to lie on the emerald mead and be lulled into delicious dreams by the redolent hisses of the rose-fraught breeze. He does display a strong anti to soap, Water, and done ee freely ety ayy be nothing more than a clannish prejudice— especially as to the dogs. Take the tramp right through, from Alpha to Omega, so to put it, and he is not such a ter- rible character after all. If he is as bad as he is made out to be, why is he not in states-prison or the pulpit, that’s the question. Can you answer it? PUCK OFFERS TO EDIT A DAILY GRATIS. S the times are hard, and editorial writ- “Xv ers demand more or less money for their “> services, and, furthermore, as composi- tors can be hired more cheaply to set up re- print than manuscript, we offer a few ready- made editorials to our luminous morning con- temporary, for which we shall not ask even that for which it shines—‘‘ Two Cents,” Nothing but thanks. And no flowers. We give one week's installment: Honesty 1s THE Best Pouicy. We call attention to the advertisement in an- other column of Varicose’s Patent Ventilating Truss. The talented inventor well says, ‘‘ This is no Fraud!” Would, ah! would that the De Facto could say the same. L'HOMME QUI RIT. For genuine fun, we have had no entertain- ment in the city for years equal to the “ Har- monious Howlers,” from Yuba Dam, now per- forming at Tony Harrigan’s Theatre. They are honestly entitled to the position they oc- cupy in the hearts of the amusement-loving public. Alas, that the de facto President of the United States cannot say the same of the place he occupies in the White House. Our Otractorigs. The foul stenches from Hunter's Point must be abated. The Board of Health should be made to do its duty. It sickens the people around Beekman and Murray Hills, and makes them feel that nausea which afflicts the whole American nation, when they contemplate a Fraudulent President in the Chair once occu- pied by Washington and Lincoln. Dux Femini Facti. We have no little sympathy with the various efforts in behalf of temperance. Our advice is to let rum severely alone. Champagnes, and the finer brands of red wines, should suffice any man. But we put the seal of condemna- tion on the action of that temperance society in Washington that lately p: resolutions at- tacking Mrs. Hayes. The husband naturally dominates the wife, and surely it is not her fault that she is compelled to bear a share of the odium shared by the Fraud in the Execu- tive Mansion. One ConsoLaTion. The man, Mickey Hayes, who stuffed. his wife up the chimney, and cooked his little child in the stove-oven, is certainly a criminal who should be punished. But let Americans remem- ber that there is another Hayes (probably a re- lative), who is murdering Civil Liberty, the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the Se- - curity of the Ballot, by his fraudulent occu- icy of the White House. What punishment is adequate to the crimes of ¢his Hayes? If our neighbor w// persist in playing ona fiddle with one string, he can at least vary the tune by publishing the above. ‘TRIPLET. Puck with anxious interest. comicbooks.com