Puck — May 8, 1878 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

13 me. No attention was paid by any one to my remarks; but every one made observations of the most unpleasantly personal description about me. And, curiously enough, no one en- tered the house who did not notice something unusual in my appearance and demeanor, which was only reconcilable with the theory that I was walking and talking in my sleep. Uncle Sparrow opened all my letters (includ- ing a very emphatic one from the disappointed Mrs, Comfit), and kindly volunteered to take care of them until I was ina condition to at- tend to them myself. I am a man of easy temper, but there are limits to my powers of endurance. It was quite evident to me that they were simply “paying me out” for the deception I had practiced on them at the church, It was per- haps right that I should suffer some little mor- tification,’ but I felt that matters had now been carried far enough.. I spoke out with furious indignation, and told them that unless they at once gave me an assurance, in writing, and signed by the whole family, that I was wide awake, I would appeal for protection to the laws of my country. I did not feel quite sure under which Act of Parliament my grievance would come, but I knew that a remedy was pro vided for every wrong, and that to insist upon it that a man is asleep when he is really wide awake is a wrong of a most distinct and aggra- vating description. But my threats had no ef- fect on my relations, nor was I more successful with one eminent psychologist who came three times a day, for.an hour and a half each time, to study my case, for a work on dreams upon which he was then engaged. As I sat fuming with impatience in an arm- chair in Uncle Sparrow's study, surrounded by the whole family, a letter (addressed to me) was placed in Uncle Sparrow’s hand. _In spite of my emphatic protest, he took the liberty of opening and reading it. It was from the office in which I had insured my life, for the benefit of my widow (whoever that might be) for £10,000. It informed me that the annual premium on my policy was still unpaid, that the fourteen days of grace had expired, and that unless the secretary received a check for the amount (£320) in the course of the afternoon, the policy would, ipso facto, become null and void, “You had better attend to this at once,” said he, handing the letter to me.‘ A¢ once," he added, with marked emphasis. ‘1 am sur- prised that you should have neglected so im- portant, so vital a matter.” I saw my advantage at a glance. “‘T will attend to it, uncle, to-morrow, if I am in a condition todo so, These trances, however, usually last a week.” «But to-morrow won't do, ‘The secretary says, expressly, that the money must be paid this afternoon.” “My dear,” said Georgina, “pray do not risk a delay. ‘The matter is of the highest mo- ment. Please be good enough to write a check at once.” “Twill write a check for the amount,” said I, “as soon as Iam awake. But these trances usually last a week.” “Come, come,” said Uncle Sparrow, ‘ the joke has been carried far enough. We were only chaffing you. You never were wider awake in your life. Come—write the check at once.” “Uncle Sparrow,” said I, “Aunt Julia, Georgina, John and James—you have done your best to persuade me that I have been ina somnambulistic trance for three days, At first I doubted it, but it became impossible to reject the evidence of so many disinterested witnesses, and I am quite convinced that you were right and I was wrong. 1am, no doubt, fast asleep. 1 admit it cheerfully, and 1 am very much obliged to you for the great care and attention you have bestowed on me in this unfortunate and abnormal condition. It is not likely to last above three or four days longer, and as soon as I am thoroughly awake and capable of attending to business, I will certainly send a check for my premium. But not till then.” “T tell you, sir,” replied Uncle Sparrow, “that the whole thing was a joke. I freely ad- mit it. But it is time that this fooling came to an end—write the check, like a good fellow, or Georgina will be left penniless.” “ My own, my love,” said Georgina, “don't be ridiculous. You are much older than 1"— that wasn’t true—‘‘and in the natural course of events I shall survive you. If this check is not written at once, I shall be a penniless wi- dow!”” “Twill write it,” said 1, “when I awake.” “ Papa - mama—John— James,” exclaimed Georgina in a frenzy, “‘ explain to him that he is laboring under a delusion! Oh, somebody, pray do something, or I shall be ruined!” Iwas firm; I insisted upon it that a check written in a state of somnambulism would be invalid, and that it would be a useless waste of a stamp if I were to write one in my then con- dition. The whole family went on their knees to me, but in vain, I stuck to my colors. ‘The hours crept on—it was three o'clock, and the office closed at four. The family foamed at the mouth, Eventually, finding that nothing could shake my resolution, Uncle Spar- row rushed out to his banker’s with the family plate, Aunt Julia’s jewels, and a bundle of American stock, borrowed the three hundred and twenty pounds on that security, and paid my premium five minutes before the office closed. . * * . . The next day 1 came down to breakfast, wide awake. I felt that I was awake, and, be- sides that, the whole family cheerfully admitted it. Uncle Sparrow begged me to favor him at once with a check for the amount of my pre- mium. At first I did not understand what he meant, but a few words of explanation made his meaning clear. I expressed my natural surprise that he should take upon himself to pay the premium on a policy which I had no intention of keeping up, and I declined alto- gether to hold myself responsible for his act.” An angry scene ensued, which resulted ina final rupture of my engagement with Georgina. ‘To-morrow 1 marry Mrs. Comfit. London Mirth. Puck's Brshanges. Cuxture enables a man to grow bald-headed gracefully.— New Orleans Picayune, Hayes is as calm and unmoved as a wheel- barrow stuck in the mud.— Boston Post, Brace up for the college commencement agony which draweth nigh.—J. Y. Mail. Ir it said that ‘all signs fail in a dry time.” When signs fail, advertise —Rome Sentinel. New summer drink—Mr. Beveridge was ad- mitted to the bar, yesterday.— Phila, Bulletin, An Ohio man has a three-eyed baby. The eyed-dear! Another Ohio man!—with an extra orifice!— Graphic. Concress has made its first move towards the census.of 1880. Fathers of families should reciprocate.— Boston Post, Many a member of the ‘ Out of Work So- ciety” envies Europe in her possession of a “situation.” —V. Y. Mail. Govcu seeks a long rest where the English language is not spoken. As there is no retreat for railway brakemen, he is going to Yorkshire. —Danbury News. Bret Harte having called at the White House, the Courier-Journal expects to see a new poem beginning, ‘‘ Don’t know him? Don't know Ruth. Hayes?” A BAREFOOTED little boy stepped on a bee, and soon after said to his mother, “Ma, I didn’t know that bees had splinters in their tails!"— Rome Sentinel. Docior Le Moyne offers to cremate spring poets at half price.—Puck. Editors can now utilize their back-yard burying grounds for agricultural purposes.— Rome Sentinel. ‘Tue miniature aquarium in the window of Broughton’s drug store is attracting much at- tention. It contains several speckled trout, a gold-fish and a turtle.— Zhrilling Rome Sentinel, Tue inventor of the phonograph says the speeches of our Congressmen can be preserved in tin-foil and ground out for the delectation of future ages. It is going to be very unhealthy for the man who does the ‘‘ grinding out" one hundred years hence.— Norr. Herald. A poy-Beccar of Gotham is placarded, “I have been blind for forty years."—Ex. We have a little girl in Philadelphia who placards herself: “I am blind, and the father of five children.” ‘She wears it when the old man is sick, or out at his country place.— Philadelphia Bulletin. ‘Tue eccentric genius who delights in statis- tics says every man eat$ on an average eight bushels of wheat in the course of a year. We could point out men who consume at least twenty-five bushels of corn in the same time, but they don’t take the trouble to chew it.— Breakfast Table. Tue Philadelphia Budletin is so indecorous as to call Miss Thursby “‘ Birdie.” If this doesn’t prove that strong drink is raging, we really do not know what does.— Buf. Exp. Proves no such thing. S'pose you would shout out, “Whoa, Emma!” if you wanted to address her.—Phila. Bulletin, A FASHION journal says: “Nothing will be worn this summer by the fair sex, except longi- tudinal striped hose.” Good bye! We are off to the Fiji Islands, where the women, in ad- dition to a red string around the left ankle, wear bracelets of sharks’ teeth around the waist and a fish-bone in the nose.—Norr. Herald. “Tue Florida sensation is all played out”. ‘doesn’t amount to so much as Mrs. Tilton’s confession""—‘‘ there is absolutely nothing to it""—all of which reminds the Hartford Zémes of the boy “who went to the pantry to geta cooky and came back with his hair on end, ex- claiming: ‘‘ Mamma, / ain't afraid of rats!”— Boston Post. Georce the Count Joannes, the Uncrushed, after his celebrated dramatic campaigns in New York and New England with the invin- cible Avonia, is still triumphant against “the jackasses of the press,” and has recently visited Washington, Mount Vernon and Trenton, He called upon Governor McClellan and tendered him the next Presidency.— Boston Post, Wuen Mr. Sweeny heard of Tweed’s death, he remarked, with a severe countenance, “It is well. The death might have occurred earlier, but it will do. I cannot think of this man’s crimes without Blaha fod my sex, The world is well rid of him, and will pray from its soul that it may never see his like again."— Buffalo Express. comicbooks.com