Puck — May 8, 1878 — page 12: what you’re looking at

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oS 12 PUCK sphere of action, but the indignation of Mr. and Mrs. Sparrow, the violent attitudes of John and James, and the appalling hysterics of Georgina, induced me weakly to confess that it was only my fun. My natural amiability is such that I must love some one—and as it was out of the question to go on loving Georgina, it became necessary to love somebody else. I found an appropriate object of homage in Bridget Comfit, a very plump and rosy widow lady cf small indepen- dent property, who lived in Great Coram Street. To make a long story short, I will at once confess that, being engaged to Georgina Spar- row, I nevertheless secretly made love to Mrs. Comfit. I even went so far as to make arrange- ments to marry Mrs. Comfit at St. Pancras Church, Euston Square. I did not tell Bridget about Georgina, because I knew that it would. distress her, and I did not tell Georgina about Bridget, because I knew that it would distress her. It would also have distressed her furious father, her fluent mother, and her two very vio- lent and impulsive brothers, John and James. T acted for the best. The day before the day appointed for my marriage with Mrs. Comfit arrived. I did not feel quite happy thatevening. I did not enjoy my dinner. Uncle Sparrow seemed to have a reproachful something in his eye which I could not account for. Aunt Sparrow was surpris- ingly silent. ‘The two brothers, John and James, looked moody, and Georgina was un- comfortably affectionate. I f:lt rather con- science-smitten. I began to think that in marrying Bridget secretly, I was perhaps acting an underhand part towards Georgina. I had never looked at it in that light before; it had always seemed to me to be the most natural thing in the world that a man who had engaged himself to Georgina should take the earliest opportun- ity of getting out of ‘his engagement. But there is a right and a wrong way of do- ing everything, and I saw, when it was too late, that it would have been better to have broken her heart in a more manly and straightforward way. Still I had acted for the best. ‘The next morning =the morning of my mar- riage-day—I breakfasted in bed. I couldn't face the family. I am a tender-hearted old fool, and I could not feel at my ease in the preence of the woman whose heart I was de- iberately breaking. So I pleaded a bad bilious headache, and remained in bed until Uncle Sparrow had started for the city (he was some- thing—not much—in the city), and his two headstrong sons had betaken themselves to Al- dridge’s. I knew that this would happen at a quarter to ten, and that at ten o'clock Mrs. Sparrow and Georgina would go down to the kitchen to have their daily row over the cook’s ac-4 counts—so at ten I escape. I dressed —reached the ground-floor in safety —kissed a last farewell to Georgina’s very long galoshes in the umbrella-stand, and eventually stood, free and undetected, in the street. 1 had yet an hour to spare before Bridget would arrive at the church—and I spent this in walk- ing round Euston Square—which can be done in two thousand one hundred paces—and at a quarter to eleven I entered the church, ‘There was no one there but the beadle. I went up to him and said, “ Oh, I beg your pardon, but I’ve come to be married.” At that moment. I was clapped on the back by Geor- gina’s two headstrong brothers. My cousins and their father had been paying a visit to a money-lender in Euston Square. ‘They saw me walking round, their curiosity was excited, and they followed me to the church. And so came about one of the most tremendously dra- matic situations in Modern History. determined to make my “So, sir,” said Uncle Sparrow, “ you've come to be married ?” “ Fire and fury!” said John. ‘Zounds and the devil!” said James. I was equal to the emergency. My natural kindness of heart prevented my admitting the truth to my uncle and my cousins, for I never distress a fellow-creature intentionally (unless she is ugly, and I am engaged to her), so I re- sorted to one of the most ingenious methods |' of getting out of a dilemma that I ever heard of. I gave a sudden start, gasped, rolled my eyes wildly, and exclaimed: : “Where am I?” ‘They explained go me, in language quite un- suited to the sacred edifice in which they were standing, that I was in St. Pancras Church. “ How did I come here? I don’t remember anything about it! ‘The last thing I can remem- ber is being in bed with a bilious headache, and trying to go to sleep!’ And here Iam, dressed and wide awake, in St. Pancras Church! What is the inference?” They admitted, in disgracefully strong lan- guage, that they were at a loss to draw any sat- isfactory inference from this statement. “My dear uncle - my good (but violent) cousins,” said I, ‘ this is very distressing to me, for I thought I had quite shaken it off. haven’t done such a thing as walk in my sleep for years!” ‘They replied, sardonically, that they felt sure of it. “T once remained for nearly a week in a state of somnambulism. It is most providen- tial that you happened to be here!” ‘They quite agreed with me. “Another time,” said I, “don’t wake me suddenly. It is very dangerous to wake a som- nambulist with a violent shock. Better let me have my sleep out.” This I said to keep up the illusion. ‘They promised that, now that they were aware of my infirmity, they would not wake me too suddenly on the next occasion. “The best thing I can do,” said I, “is to go home and go to bed again.” ‘They heartily concurred with this suggestion. John took one of my arms, James took the other, and Uncle Sparrow walked behind us, keeping the ferule of his walking-stick in the small of my back. There was nothing for it but to give up all hope of being married that day. 1 was sorry for Bridget; but I felt that an explanation made at the earliest opportunity, would set that right. After all, it would only delay our hap- piness for a few days. I could not help chuck- ling over my presence of mind, and the ready wit I had shown in escaping from a difficulty which would have overwhelmed ninety-nine men out of a hundred. It is true that I was rather surprised to find how readily my explan- ation was accepted by my uncle and my cou- sins; but that only showed how skillfully I had played my part. I remained in bed all that day, for I really did not feel equal to facing the family in my disappointed frame of mind. But one can’t remain in bed forever, and the next morning I put a bold face on it, and came down, as usual, to breakfast. “Good morning, uncle,” said I, in ny most cheerful tones. ‘‘ How are you, dear aunt? Ha, John! Ha, James! Georgina, my love, good morning.” ‘They looked at one another significantly, but made no response to my greeting. “Lovely morning!” said I. “Je’s just as I thought,” said Uncle Sparrow to Aunt Julia. “ He's at it again.” “Hush,” said Aunt Julia, ‘don’t speak so loud. You'll wake him.” “Poor boy!” said Georgina, in a half-whis- per. “His eyes are wide open, though he’s evidently fast asleep.” “That is always the case with somnamubu- lists,” said Uncle Sparrow. ‘The sleeping brain receives its impressions through the medium of the eyes, nose, and ears.” “ His’ nose and ears are wide open also,” said John. “ So they were yesterday,” said James. “A very curious instance of somnambulism came under my notice in Italy a few years ago,” said Uncle Sparrow. ‘A very respectable young girl was found under suspicious circum- stances in the chamber of an Italian noble, and the most unfavorable inferences were drawn as to her moral character in consequence. Her forthcoming marriage with a handsome young peasant was- broken off, and all her old com- panions repudiated her. Eventually she was seen crossing a most dangerous plank over a water-mill, in her petticoat body, and it became clear to all that the poor girl was a confirmed somnambulist. She was at once reinstated in the good opinion of her friends, and her mar- riage with the young peasant was celebrated with unusual réjoicings. I knew the family very well.” T looked from one to another in blank aston- ishment. “Am I to suppose,” said I, “ that you are under the impression that I am asleep ?” “Except that his utterance is thick,” said Georgina, ‘there is very little difference be- tween his sleeping and waking voic I began to get annoyed. “Ts this a joke?” I inquired, as I sat down to breakfast. “ Take his knife away, Georgina,” said Aunt Julia; “cut up his bacon, and let him eat it with a teaspoon.” You can’t eat fried bacon with a teaspoon so as to enjoy it. I therefore protested against this interference with my convenience. “1 insist,” said Uncle Sparrow, “on his knife being removed. John and James, sit one on each side of him and watch his movements very carefully. But be very careful not to wake him, as that would be most dangerous. ‘These trances usually last a week. John, feed him with a spoon. James, hold his tea-cup and give him a sip occasionally.” “Uncle,” said 1, “1 beg—I deg that you will allow me to have my breakfast in peace. I had nothing to eat yesterday (having had a bilious headache), and I am literally starving.” “ Now give him a bite of muffin,” said Uncle Sparrow.“ Now a spoonful of egg.” “Indeed, indeed, I am quite awake. I can feed myself. I want no assistance from any one.” . “Now a mouthful of tea—take care—it's running down his waistcoat.” ‘There was nothing for it but to submit to be fed by the hulking brothers. I made several appeals to their intelligence, to their sense of humor, and to their feelings as human beings, but in vain. The only notice they took of my remarks was to direct each other's attention to the fact I expressed myself quite coherently. ‘The farce was carried on through the whole day, and the next, and the next after that. Nothing would convince them that I was awake. 1 did all I could to persuade them to treat me like a rational being, but in vain. The two detestable brothers devoted themselves to taking care of me with extraordinary assiduity. ‘They never left me. ‘They took me out fora walk every day, fed me carefully at meal times, undressed me and put me to bed at night, and dressed me again the next morning. My unfortunate condition was explained to all visitors, who took a deep interest in watch- ing my movements, and every one was enjoined to speak with bated breath for fear of waking comicbooks.com