Puck — February 20, 1878 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 3 APPLE-SEEDS. NE is a soldier, gay and bold; Two saileth on the sea; Three is an heir with lands and gold; Four, lands nor gold hath be.” She counts the apple-seeds once more, As I, impatient, wait; «The same result—there are but four, ‘Thus speak the seeds my fate.” Ob! ne’er were words more sweet to me, Nor words more softly shy; For neither ‘lands nor gold hath he,” Nor lands nor gold have I. Idly within her rosy palm She holds the apple-seed, While in her eyes a thoughtful calm New-born, I gladly read. O tender eyes! O silence sweet! I could all else resign, And sit contented at her feet, In this new hope of mine. My love I'd dare not offer it With nothing more than sighs, But for this oracle which lit That light within her eyes. This is love's season, this the hour To “win oF luse it all;” The bud must die or ope a flower— My hope must bloom or fall. But ere I speak, she turns to me, And with a blushing glance, «« How false the apple-seeds!” says she— «There is no truth in chance!” At first I do not understand; Then, toying with her hair, She shows a—certain finger and A—diamond solitaire! QuirrLe Yarrow. THE BENEVOLENT PROTECTIVE ORDER OF HAT-CHECKS. WENT to the ball of the B. P. O. Hat- Ciiecks. . I had two ladies and a complimentary ticket. I have always been to the Elks’ annual ball. I liked it. Its original object was to afford an opportunity of social reunion to the Profession. Now, the goal of the bounding and benevo lent Elk is the dollar hat-check, and he won't trust you to pay for it after you get inside. When I reached the door of the Academy, I found a long line of very choice-looking peo- ple spEarcany buying tickets. At first I thought I had gone to the wrong place, and I inquired of a policeman if I had strayed into a Tammany primary. He simply replied “Hat-checks”; and turned away from me as if he regarded my question as frivolous. I left my two companions to shiver in the cold air of the lobby, and joined the line. In the course of fifteen minutes I reached the offi- cial in charge. I presented my three tickets —my own, and two ladies’ tickets. «Do these admit me?” I inquired, meekly. “Onedollarforhatcheck!” he replied. I handed in my dollar; received my hat- check, and again sought the policeman. “T have never before been toa ball managed “I don’t know what to do. like this,” I said, fee shall I get in?” A i He thrust my three tickets back in my pocket, and indicated the hat-check. “Go in on that,” he said. I went in. 4 The invitations and the ladies’ tickets were, it appeared, regarded simply as irrelevant de- tails. All that was essential was the hat-check. One dollar. When we did enter, I discovered that there were no accommodations for the hats. The people in charge did not, however, look upon this as important, so long as the hat-checks were disposed of. I paid a nigger one dollar to watch my ulster. The nigger was the only man in the crowd who didn’t havea hat-check. The investors in hat-checks were a queer crowd, Time was when this ball was a scene of glamour and enchantment. It was the annual jubilee of Art. It was the blow-out of Thespis and Terpsichore. ‘he beautiful and accomplished, the young and promising, the artistic, the phenomenal ornaments of thestage crowded hither. Genius and beauty united in a glorious dress-parade, and the baleful influ- ence of the hat-check did not dim the sweet delight of the hour. But now. There was a crowd of professional celebrities, but they were mostly artists in the flip-flop line and lights of the variety-stage. They were ccle- brities who made a specialty of the fatted ham. Not, of course, that there was not a leavening of the elect, but it had a most outrageously big lump to leaven. Most of them were flowers best calculated to bloom in Bowery retreats. But every man-jack of them had a hat-check. I believe the managers of that ball think a man can go in to heaven on a hat-check. Not that the B. P.O. Hat-Checks Ball was heaven. You needed only a hat-check to get in. It didn’t matter who or what you were, or how you got yourself up, so long as you had a hat- check. Adam would have been admitted, with or without figleaf, if he had had a hat-check. Nobody bothered about tickets. One man went in on the cover of a cigar-box, and an- other on a “ You-lie-you-know-you-lie” card. But you may bet your immortal essence they both had hat-checks. Inside, the crowd was so great that you could not move about. But all the people were mournful and subdued. They felt their hat-checks. In some cases, of mild and meek-spirited individuals, the treatment to which they had been subjected seemed to superinduce a kind of insanity. Some stuck their hat-checks in their hats, as if they were on a railroad train. One citizen kept calling for the conductor to come and punch Ais hat-check. There was no room to dance; the superflux of hat-checks gave so little space. Under any circumstances, the crowd was too scaly to make promiscuous dancing desirable. There was a gentlemen near me who sported a monkey-jacket, a pair of light trousers, very baggy at the knees, a dirty.white tie and a delicately shaded paper shirt-front, ornamented with large blue studs. I spoke to him: “My friend, may I ask how you got here?” He said: “Whazzer mazzer wiz you? Ain't I gota hat-check ?” Another gentleman, who was in full dress, if a green cravat is the correct thing with a swal- low-tail coat, asked me: “Ain't you going to do your trapeze act no more?” I told him I was not. He looked at me hard; and then inquired: * Ain’t you one of the MacLenahan Bro- thers?” I told him I doubted it, and he replied that he thought he had met me out in Oshkosh wit arley Ryman’s show; appeared disappoint to find that he had not; ae cast on oan eye of doubt. I think he suspected that I had no hat-check. The toilettes were numerous and generally unique, but not individually excessive. One lady, who does the song and dance business (and can also play the banjo) at the Tivoli, appeared in a ravissante robe of eau de nil silk, garnished with hat-checks. We went into the refreshment room, and I tried to rehypothecate my hat-check and get something to drink. But the currency was over-inflated. After that I concluded to go. One of my companions agreed with me; but the other wanted to stay and hat-check it out. The majority had it. “We went, The next time I go to a ball on the hat-check principle, eviscerate me, parboil me, and plunge me in the step-down gulf of liquid fire fora 2-em dash idiot. ; E Answers for the Anvions, Van.—Vanish. Lomax.—Try it. HASELT —Let her alone. Scir10,—Peace, perturbed spirit. SALAMANDER.—If Salamanders wear vests—but they don’t, Wipe off your blazing chin! CLEPHANE.—You ought to emigrate to Australia, and find some interior town where there is a good opening for asexton, Asan American paragrapher you will not be ‘our communication is respectfolly re- ferred to George Francis Train. It is more in his line than ours. If he recommends you to take a Russian bath, take it, and stay in it. PAssAMAQuoppy.—We can only say of your poem that it would not find the act of levitation surpassingly difficult, Itis light. It is very light. Lack of ponder- osity is its distinguishing characteristic. Earwest.—We could tell you of half-a-dozen insur- ance companies in which you might invest your money, Bat if we did we should probably have you hovering around us with a club, inside of six'months. The best advice we can give you is to dig a hole in your back- yard, bury your money therein, and sit on it. G. R.S.—Yes, we advise you to go on the stage by all means. Join the next traveling company that leaves the city for the western circuit. A fair share of histrionic ability and a pair of stout double soled shoes will bring you back to New York some time or other; and if they» don’t, Art isa gainer. Citas. K., Crescent Brewery, Savannah.—You are too, too witty. If you don’t try to restrain the superfiity of humor with which you are afflicted, it will break out in the form of a spiritual rash. Tone yourself down. Drink the beer of the Crescent Brewery. Some day you'll make a joke around loose, somewhere, without giving warning tothe bystanders, and it will kill someone, P.S.—Thank you for explaining your little jest. We might not have understood it otherwise. MARIANA.—Our culinary knowledge is rather crowded, if we may so express it, by the abnormal development of our intellect in other directions; but we will try to give you the information you desire on the question of roasting a turkey. First send somebody else to catch your turkey —somebody who makes a specialty of catching tarkeys. ‘Then take two pounds of eggs to a quart of butter, and a dozen raspberries, and flavor it to suit the taste. Then roast your turkey in a common oven—one lined with podophyllin is better, but a common one will do—and then excavate his interior, polishing out the cavity with a clean tooth-brush—the cleaner the better. Serve with oyster-sauce a la Tartufe. But perhaps, on the whcle, it is better not to roast your turkey. It is bad forthe turkey. It injures his constitution, and gives him gloomy views