Puck — February 13, 1878 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. PUCK’S HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES. CHAPTER XXVII. ASSASSINATION OF LINCOLN. — AMNESTY AM Nasty AND UNPALATABLE TO SOME PEOPLE. JouNSON ROLLS UP HIS SLEEVES FOR A FicuT witH ConGRess.—SiGNs oF A SHINDY.— THe PresiDeNT EXPERIENCES THE TRUE INWARDNESS OF IMPEACHMENT.—MOUNSEER in Mexico, —MaxiMiLian’s Bopy BECOMES A RECEPTACLE FOR MEXICAN BULLETS.— JOHN Bur.t AND UNCLE SAM JOIN HANDS BY CABLE, +— Russia SELLS ALASKA, — GRANT FINDS HIM- SELF PRESIDENT. It is now Puck’s mournful duty to refer toa subject which can never be contemplated by any patriotic American citizen without feelings of profound sorrow. ‘This was the brutal cold-blooded assassination of President Lincoln by a Confederate assassin —who afterwards met his deserts. Andy Johnson was now President—he'd been doing the vice business previously, and did not keep himself quite as carefully wrapped up in lavender as a certain vice president, who shall be nameless, but who is not wholly unconnected with the present occupant of the White House. Johnson, by profession a tailor, was naturally a good hand at repairing. He knew where to put patches in the right place. Consequently he went in heavily for reconstructiot The chivalrous Southron received a little encouragement to do business again—especially when he found that something in the shape of amnesty was flying around. Two-thirds of the States had in the meantime arrived at the conclusion that although men might come and men might go, niggers must be frée and slavery must be abolished. This was known as the Thirteenth Amend- ment. But a mine was ready to explode under the feet of the President. Congress didn’t like his way of reconstruct- ing the Southern States, Fiery orators denounced it as “snide” in the extreme. Johnson was a long time recovering from his astonishment when he found, in March, 1867, that Congress had passed a reconstruction act over the President's veto, just telling the Seces- sion States what they’d have to do in order to shake hands over the bloody chasm. And if they didn’t want to shake, why they'd have to, that’s all, or they'd have to cultivate a close acquaintance with military governors, ‘Things went on in this cat-and-dog style for some time, until as pretty a quarrel as ordinary mortals are accustomed to clap eyes on began to develop between Congress and the President. The Tenure of Office Bill was one of the . wedges that increased the split between Andy and Congress. * Andy did not like the look of Stanton, who was the useful and ornamental individual who had charge of the war department. He thought that his beard was not of a sufficiently delicate shade, and wished him to shave. Stantonstoutly refused. Andy, after oncé more telling him to go and shave himself, told him to git. Stanton got, and General Grant.was appointed in his stead to take charge. Congress got up on its ear to a pretty con- siderable extent. It swore at Andy in several languages and dialects, and finished by declar- ing that the President had exceeded his power in removing Stanton; and the latter went back to work and drew his salary with the air of a martyr.” But Andy was not to be sat upon in this way —not by any manner of means. Stanton again got fired out, and General Thomas had a shy at the business of war secre- tarying. Whereupon the Senate gave Andy a very extensive piece of its mind, declaring that he had violated the Constitution. Andy didn’t scare worth a cent. ‘The House of Representatives now resolved to get up a first-class circus in the shape of an impeachment of the recalcitrant President. It was a long trial before the Senate, and was the boss one for tediousness, Andy was acquitted, but it was only-by the skin of his teeth. One solitary vote would have made the requisite two-thirds, and then there might have been trouble for Andy. France had for a long time shown a lively interest in Mexican affairs. Its interest got so lively that one fine day it found itself an ally of the high-toned party in Mexico. ‘This bloated aristocratic faction had ridden rough-shod over the liberals, and succeeded in making them take a very back seat. Mr. Maximilian, who was called the Archduke of Austria for short, was counted in as empergr, and comfortably settled himself on tre throne. Mexico thus became an empire; and the bayonets of French soldiers supplied by Napo- leon the Little helped to support this new departure. ‘The United States, having got rid of one war, and having tasted blood pretty freely during its continuance, thought that it had a right to do as the effete nations of Europe have been doing from time immemorial, and looked black at the French troops in a neighboring State. Uncle Sam asked Nap what in thunder he meant by it. Nap replied that it was all a mis- take. The soldiers had merely been sent there for their health. This was not strictly true, for many of them didn’t have any more health, or life either, for that matter. There are just as good graves in Mexico as in any other part of the world, and the atmosphere is equally as favorable for shuffling off this mortal coil. Maximilian as an emperor was not a success. The Mexicans determined to try what his fight- ing-weight was. ‘They found it decidedly light, and ended by putting daylight through him with bullets, having got through the trifling preliminaries of defeating and capturing him. ‘This was rough treatment, and it ruffled Mrs. Maximilian considerably, who immediately be- came a first-class lunatic. : We must not forget to mention that England and America joined themselves hand in hand, or rather cabled themselves together. The electric spark now-had a clear track to course from Valencia Bay, Ireland, to Trinity Bay, Newfoundland, and New Yorkers were surprised to find that through eighteen hundred miles of cable they had to learn how much behind the Britishers they were, notwithstanding all the American boasted ability to whip creation. London gets through her day while New York is beginning to think about it. While we are at breakfast London has made out its ménu for dinner. ‘The gloriously frozen region of Alaska, in October, 1861, passed into our hands—the United States’, not Puck’s, for he wouldn’t be comfortable there with a double-banked ulster. Why we bought these five hundred and fifty thousand square miles of land for seven millions of dollars.js one of those things that no fellow has ever been able to find out. Perhaps the Secretary of the Treasury wanted a seal-skin sacque for his wife. Grant, who had distinguished himself some during the war, learned that he must call him- self a Republican, and then he would have a good chance of becoming President. He imme- diately set to work to endeavor to appreciate the distinction between a Democrat and a Republican. We would not swear that he knows now; but be this as it may, the fall of 1868 found Ulysses Simpson Grant most high and mighty President of the United States. Schuyler Colfax was elected vice-president. As subsequent events have proved, there was much name and nature about this last title. Horatio Seymour, the Democratic candidate, was not elected. Indeed, Horatio got’ com- pletely licked out of his boots. (To be continued.) THE INNOCENT OFFICE-BOY. WAT E-have got a boy—that is, we had a P boy. We chased him out of the office, and the place that knew him knows him no more. We advertised for an apprentice- boy—and he came; in fact, several of them came. We selected a boy named Jim, and hired him for a week on tri..:, because he looked so good and innocent! And _ his trousers were such an attraction, being a mixture of open- work on the back, and cloth factory around the bottoms. In fact, the lower extremities of these trousers seemed to be the chief idea of the tailor who made them. The bottoms rounded out into curved lines of beauty—and hida very large pair of feet. But he looked so innocent! After engaging him, we told him to come around to the office prompt the next morning at 7 o'clock. He came, and we came —but he was there before us, and had opened the day’s labor by taking the office cat and covering her with ink and pieces of white and yellow “proof” paper, so that the cat looked like a Chinaman out for a holiday. We gently admonished him, but he intimated that the cat did not object, and he didn’t see why we should. We did not argue the question, he was so innocent! As we came in to the office in the morning we thought we had heard him tell another boy that he had spoilt a lung-tester for a man the day before, but when we asked him to sweep out he said his lungs were delicate and dust hurt them. He was so innocent! We thought we must have been mistaken in regard to the remark. We went out in the course of the morning, and‘ when we came back Jim had “chewed up” ‘one of the press composition rollers and was making inroads on a second. We arrived just in time to prevent him from choking. He didn’t mean anything, he was so innocent! We took up a “proof” that lay on the desk, and were petrified to find it read somewhat in this style: ° The Dynamite Dramatic Company is the best that has appeared in our city for some time and we take pleasure in recommending their galvanized pads as the best cure for all diseases — especially on the question of the silver bill, which is one that no American citizen in his right senses can possibly advocate, much less— see that the sewer department has a correct view of sanitary measures, as it is necessary in laying out the plan of such work that the greatest possible good should result—to the aforesaid gentleman, who has repeatedly stated what we know to be an untruth; we can only say that he has not the slightest idea of what cutes-everything; all like it; the success of the age” Sand the proof finished up with a “cut” of a nursing-bottle. Six different articles spoilt by Jim, We said nothing, but gave him evidence that there was a “rise in leather,” but he still looked innocent. J. Mycatr.