Puck — January 16, 1878 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. Tue Lord family think it was un-orthodox to marry a Hicksite widow.— Fhila, Bulletin, Wuicu is the worst, a Cockney who drops his h, or a Beecher who crops his 1?— Phila. Bulletin. ‘Tue paragraphers are all young men. Their wit becomes bad-in-age —if not before.— Wor- cester Fress. Way didn’t he eat up the whole desk? We refer to the anaconda who swallowed a pigeon- hole.—W. ¥. Com. ‘Tue president of.the Chemical National Bank of New York—died at his residence, respected by all.— Worcester Press. A HANDKERCHIEF flirtation is a very simple thing—it only requires two fools and two hand- kerchiefs.— Yonkers Gazette, “Papa,” said a little girl, “give me a ride on your knee, won't you?” He took the little gallop at once.— Unknown Paragrapher. ‘Tue majority of men make their mark in this world by tearing off the corner of every jack in a euchre deck.— Fulton Times. Winows above fifty cannot marry in Por- tugal. The law is designed as a protection for aged and innocent bachelors.—Boston Adv. Pror. Darwin's son has married an Amer- ican girl. The wedding was a quiet one, owing to the recent death of Pongo.-—Boston Past. JANE SHISSHELM owns to sixty-two, and the ratchet of Time pitches forward one more notch nearer the millenium.—#reak/ast Table. Ir is asserted of a Philadelphian that he died “worn out by too severe mental effort in the study of how to live without work."—Séray Squib. A New York barber has a parrot which shouts “Next,” and thus the thread of the bar- ber’s discourse is not interrupted.— Worcester Press. . Ir cost $177,444 74 to supply our troops with tobacco last year.—#x. But it was not enough to give them a pipe o’ peace.—Piil. Bulletin. Tue difference between a model woman and a woman model is: One isa bare possibility, and the other is a naked fact.— Unknown Ex- change. GENERAL BUTLER says he was a good military man as soon as he left his cradle. That was when you were a little Tod!eben.— Mew York Herald, A_WESTERNER finds fault with our eastern hotels because they don’t furnish patent clothes- pins with which to fasten on their napkins.— Norr, Herald. ‘THE young man who started out on the 1st inst. to collect money, says the most popular form of New Year's calls was, ‘Call next week.” —WNorr, Herald. ‘Tue printer who is so distrustful of his Anow- ing better as to follow copy will go to heaven, but he will be very lonesome there.— Cincinnati Saturday Night. Mr. Bow es has arrived at that stage of con- valescence where it is thought to be safe to per- mit Mary Clemmer to address an original poem to him.— Worcester Press. Mr. and Mrs. W. P. Corn, of Burlington, rejoice in their first son. When the lad gets old enough he will address his sire as old pop Corn.— Whitehall Times. Branks for people who want to swear-off the first of January can be found at this office. A regular justice of the peace is connected with 13 A Main stREET man made a call yesterday: It cost him $17. A queen full is a perfect land- slide when there's only three tens to be dis- posed of. — Bridgeport Standard. A CiercyMen prefer leather slippers, for they can be parboiled and used to impart an animal flavor to the oyster soup wherewith donation parties are satiated.— Worcester Press. Senator CONKLING, we give you timely notice. If ever we hear that you wear ruffles upon the bottom of your night-gown we are going to publish it.— Phia. Chronicle-Herald. “Yes, my child, your right in saying that ‘Stov gender. You know it is a he-ter.” “Well, yes, mother, but it is shee-tiron.”— Graphic. ‘Tue anaconda of the New York aquarium takes his daily meal of live rabbits in New Jer- sey—anaconda Mr. Bergh's watchfulness in the matter of cruelty to animals.— Worcester Fiend. Mark Twain once made a prayer, and twenty critical hearers started to giggle and then stopped suddenly and said, “He, he! don’t see anything funny about that.""— Roches- ter Democrat. In the stomach of the late lamented Pongo were found several buttons. He had tried to wear them'on the inside. They mention the remains now as the seven-button corpse. — Rochester Democrat. “What I object to,” said a Texas horse-thief, as he was about to be drawn up, “is your hang- ing me here in the sun when there’s plenty of shade close by. However, go ahead.”— Uniden tified Paragrapher. It has been discovered that lager-beer is a° certain remedy for corns. We believe the usual method of applying the remedy is to let it soak into the corn from the inside of the foot. — Burlington Hawkeye. ‘THe Brooklyn Eagle inquires, “What is Christianity ?” Christianity, my boy, is seeing a fellow-mortal slip down on the sidewalk with- out reminding him that he has dropped some- thing.-- Worcester Press. Saint Beuvre says, “In every man there is a poet who dies young.” ‘The editor's waste basket indicates that the man doesn’t know the poet is dead, and keeps on with his nonsense. —Cincinnati Breakfast Table, Tere is one good reason why England shouldn't go to war with Russia. The present ruler of that country wouldn't look well sitting straddle-leg upon a horse and leading the troops into action.— Phila. Chronicle-Herald, Morat suasion is good enough in its way, but a half pint of catnip tea will do more to- wards inducing the colic to let go its grip on a young baby’s interior department than all the moral suasion in America.—S¢. Louis Journal. Tue St. Louis newspapers devoted several columns to publishing the names of those who would “receive” on New Year’s Day, but did not mention those who thought it more blessed to give.—Worcester Press. Ir is painful beyond description to see a Boston paper spelling Samson with a ~. The hero of the Bible should never be mixed up with Thompson—at least, not without consult- ing Mr. Thompson.—C.-/. Small Talk, Awn exchange, in a well-written article on physical culture, says: ‘‘It is wonderful how fascinating the simple act of walking may be- come.” Ah, yes; but for real enchanting, en- slaving fascination, the simple act of sleeping, especially at 7 a.M., knocks the fascinations of walking higher than a burnt boot.— Burlington Hawkeye. “Let me see,” remarked the guest, as, satchel in hand, he approached the clerk of the hotel, ‘the stage doesn’t go for some time yet, I believe. Am I right?” “No, sir, you're left. Stage went before you were up,” teplied the clerk.— Unknown Chronicler. ‘Tue Turner's Falls Reporter tells of a spring chicken that ‘proved to be an infringement on the Goodyear patent.” A boarding mistress thinks she sees the joke and desires us to in- quire if the infringement had anything to do with tha chicken’s wearing a comb. A MaN named his cat Shazzar, under the im- pression that he could joke with visitors about putting a bell on the cat. He lost three friends and eleven pounds of flesh in the effort, and now simply explains that he thought it was a good name for a cat.—Stray Squib, “(FAREWELL TO HOLLAND” was the bold-type head that confronted us in one of our exchanges. this morning, and when we settled down to read a report of a banquet given to Dr. Holland of ‘Scribner on the eve of his departure to some- where, we quickly discovered that we were “sold.” The Holland referred to was the Dutch fatherland.— Morr. Herald. ‘Tuy were contributing toward a fund for the extinguishment of the church debt the other evening at a meeting of a West Newark congregation. “I'll contribute twenty dollars,” said one brother. ‘I'll go thirty dollars better, and make it fifty,” said another brother. And then the first contributor, in the excitement of the moment, said, “I'll call you; what have you got?”—Mewark Call. Tuere is a place in California where oysters grow on trees, and the woods are made musical by the clatter of shells as they aye shut together to keep the sun out. ‘This California story is repeated from memory, and we are not sure but we have slightly enlarged upon it.— Wor- cester Press. ‘Tuere may be no such word as fail in-any extant edition of the bright lexicon of youth, but when a young man returns home at three o'clock in the morning, and tries to unlock the front door with a corkscrew, it requires the highest of editorial courtesy to refer to it as unqualified success.— Worcester Press. Aan, however innocent he may be, is al- ways enveloped in a thick cloud of damaging circumstantial evidence, when he leans up against the hotel corner, carefully picks out a toothpick and tries to light it on the top of a glass cigar-case.— North Paw- Paw Compendium, A PROFESSIONAL base-ball player came for- ward ina recent revival meeting in Philadelphia and was “saved.” Perhaps it would be just as well to drop this discussion as to the existence of a hell, since there doesn’t appear to be any use for such a place.— Worcester Press. ‘To-morrow, you know, you swear off, Get your list ready this afternoon. Here is an item that Rewey, of the Worcester Fress, has in his diary, which will apply to some others as well: “With all our swearing off, let us wear off no other man’s umbrella the coming year.” —Brook- hyn Argus. Ir keeps a. man tolerably busy nowadays re- conciling the reports that are wafted over the festive telegraph wires. A day or two ago it was stated that snow was six feet on a level in northern Montana, and now comes a startling report that Sitting Bull and his gallus chiefs are depredating those parts and setting fire to the prairies.— St. Louis Journal. He stood on Afric’s burning sands, And smiled on Hottentot and Kaffir; He said, ‘I’m safe,” and rubbed his hands, When, lo! there stood a paragrapher! —Turner’s Falls Reporter. the establishment.— Cin. Sat. Night. comicbooks.com