Puck — January 2, 1878 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FITZNOODLE IN AMERICA. XL. New Year's Day 1n New York. Ya-as, aw there has been something he-ah called a New Year’s day, with severwal verwy we- markable peculiar- wities about it. Don’t mean to say thatit’s wonderfully stwange the ye-ah should aw begin and end in Amer- wica just as such things are arwanged in Eurwope, but fellaws in this curwious countwy baw themselves horwibly by dwiving about on the first of Januarwy, and visiting all the people they have evah known or met since they were born. Doosid extwa- ordinarwy pwactice, by Jove, and I weally don’t understand the weason of it. A fellaw at the Club, whose father, I believe, durwing a war or something of that sort, made gweenbacks out of ‘dwy: goods,” whatever they are, pwoposed that we thrwee should make ourselves widiculous by making these calls to- gether. Jack and I were howling idiots enough to dwess just as if we were going to dinnah, and aw we got in the carwiage and dwove to the wesidence of some fellaw who has severwal daughters, who are supposed to be Amerwican arwistocwats. The girls, yer know, are not at all bad-looking—indeed, are wather pwetty cweatures. We aw were weceived in a large dwawing-woom, and, ’pon my soul, although it was bwoad daylight, yer know, the aw cande- labwa and aw gas arwangements were lighted, the blinds down and the curtains dwawn just as if it were a beastly dark night, and yet the aw sun was shining bwightly outside. “These cweatures were dwessed in wather gorgeous arway, I mean aw in tolerwably aw even aw gwand style. It was a buw to be obliged to wish these people a aw happy New Yeah, but couldn’t verwy well avoid it, yer know, These ultwa wefined female cweatures were quite gwacious, and said severwal verwy jolly things of a complimentarwy charwacter, yer know. Don’t know what Jack thought about it; think he calls this sort of thing flatterwy. Still I think it’s aw always devilish satisfactorwy for a fellaw to find his aw countwy and his aw personal appearwance appweciated, especially in a wepublic. There were aw baskets of woses and other horticulturwal pwoductions distwibuted about the woom, not half badly arwanged, by Jove. Wonder from what wegion these flowers come. Suppose they are weal; I nevah see them gwow- ing anywhere; they’re pwobably aw constwucted by some patent Amerwican contwivance, but aw "pon my soul they do look naturwal aw sometimes. . There were wefweshments on a table, and I aw just twied to dwink a glass of b-b-beastly sherwy, and took a fwied oyster. ‘The Amer- wican Club fellaw said that the majorwity of wepublican awistocwatic families don’t give any- thing to eat or dwink to their aw visitors‘on New Ye-ah's day, to pwevent fellaws fwom get ting dwunk. Wetched lot of people they must be if they can’t contwol themselves. We then went to another wesidence, and saw maw girls and maw dwesses. These aw ladies were not pwecisely disagweeable, but I found it literwally impossible to get up aw any pwoper conversation with them. I dare say, Amer- wicans can do it, but it’sa baw to me. All Wey Sean a fellaw to talk about is the aw New ‘e-ah. PUCK. At this place they didn’t have anything to eat or dwink, but they made up for it in tate terwing and asking such aw questions, and making such wemarks as ‘Fine weathah,” “Have you made a gweat many calls?” “This is aw a New Yeah,” to which I could only answer “‘Aw.”” Weally I couldn’t enumerwate how many visits we aw paid, only. know it was a horwid baw, and as the day pwogwessed my aw bwain was dweadfully bewildered with memorwies of carwiages dwiving wound ‘and wound, and people wunning to and fwo, doors being slammed, et ceterwa. There were a gweat many places where I dwank dwy sherwy,and some bwandy, couldn't get any sodah, Ya-as, by Jove, yer know, the New Ye-ah seemed to impwove gwadually on acquaintance. Jack said, “I gwew quite aw jolly towards seven or eight o'clock,” and talked a gweat deal and aw bowed pwofusely, and ha! ha! ha! even paid compliments. I twust I didn’t do anything so awfully caddish as th-at. Perwhaps I may have been taking a twiflin; interwest in the aw day’s arwangements, ani the perfume of the flowers may have been too stwong, aw. THE VOICES OF THE NIGHT. 1. STOOD on the stoop at midnight, When the gutter was freezing hard, And a chorus of howls quite deafening Came from the near back-yard. a Il. I heard the frightful clamor From the nearest high wood-shed, Like a chorus of fifty demons, It pierced into my head. ul. And far in the sleety distance Of that cruel winter’s night ‘The music was re-echoed From roof-trecs clothed in white. Iv. Along the great high fences Some wavering shadows lay, And the screams that came from the darkness Seemed to rise and bear me away. Ne And at those yells, uplifted Into the evening air, A sickly shudder went through me That made me clutch my hair. , Vi. How often, O how often, In the nights that had gone by, Had I listened to that chorus Until I wished I'd die. VIL. How often, O how often! Thad wished as I did just now, ‘That I had a brickbat handy To stop the infernal row. Vu. O for a good breech-loader! O for a bushel of bats! To lull them to sleep for ever— Those —— —— — cats! CAMBRIDGE CADS. 'UCK’S eagie and argus eyes take in as a matter of course everything that tran- spires on this mundane sphere, and they will be on hand to do the same thing on the other planets, when they are opened up for colonization, Naturally his vision has gravitated towards the English University of Cambridge (England), the undergraduates of which, fn common with other English Universities, yearly make, to say the least of it, consuminate asses of themselves by blackguardly horse-play and vulgar vagaries, proving themselves for. the nonce what is known in London slang as “Howling Cads.”" Puck doesn’t care a brass farthing if these youngsters are sons of my Lords temporal or my Lords spiritual, kinsmen of landed gentry country squires, or boys with genealogical trees from Adam —they are in his eyes no better.on that account. They all de- serve to be birched like the meanest village- school boy for the abominable manner in which they behaved themselves on the occasion of the conferring the degree of Doctor of Laws upon the great Darwin. These’ boisterous, low-minded lads had stretched cords across the hall, on which were swung dressed monkeys, and one of these they had named the “ Missing Link,” and one stu- dent, more ill-bred than the rest, disgraced himself by throwing a dressed monkey at the eminent naturalist. This disgusting proceed- ing must surely have convinced Darwin that the missing link between a man and a brute was a Cambridge Undergraduate, if it did not belong to the brute itself. Puck wishes these bumptious young rascals to know that in America there is not that false halo of respect that exists among snobbish Englishmen for a youth simply because his pro- genitors have been able to send him to Oxford or Cambridge; then how much less must there be when their conduct resembles that of swell mobsmen? Many of old toady University authorities are to blame for this state of things. They could easily prevent it if some of these ancient fossils were not as foolish as their students. Is there so much respect for traditional vulgarity, that it cannot be pre- vented in this age of comparitive public propriety? If these Cambridge students and other Uni- versity Cads want to learn to be gentlemen, Puck has no objection, should they visit Amer- ica, to give them some elementary lessons; the curriculum will comprise a full course of birch rod, a la mode anglaise. BRITISH ENLIGHTENMENT. ‘Tue pleasing duty of announcing the “de- cease of the remaining infernal noodles con- demned to eternal torments has not yet de- volved upon Puck. ‘Three aggravated cases are still at large—as witness the following ad- vertisements, clipped from a London paper: CAUL (Child's), price £4. Apply Mr. Cope, 3, Southampton-street, Nine Elms-lane, S, W. CAUL (Child's) for Sale; no réasonable offer refused. 50, Elliott's-row, St. George’s-road, Southwark. CAUL (Male Child’s) for Sale: price £3. 'A..Larson, 42, Camptell-road, Bow. It is scarcely necessary to remark: that a child’s caul is supposed to be a sort of natural Boynton’s Life-Preserving Apparatus. What a glorious subject for the editor of a London comic weekly to make jokes on. It ought to last him at least six months. Let ussee. He can say something about ‘Call us early,” “ Caul a fiower,” ‘The ‘difference between a catcall and a child’s caul,” and can wind up with something about carrying cauls to New- castle. Why there’s a perfect gold-mine in these advertisements.