Puck — December 5, 1877 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

4 PUCK. MASS MEETING OF BABIES. SPEECHES AND RESOLUTIONS. Have Babies any Rights which Mothers and Nurses are Bound to Respect? : ; was held at Midget Hall last Monday evening. ‘The assembly was called to order at a quarter past ten by Tomsy Howzer, aged eleven months, who barks like a dog, and mews like a cat—who moved that Basy Bitty Popsy Worsy, aged five months, weight fifty pounds, take the chair. Carried unanimously. Tue Cuair-Basy, in opening the proceed- ings, stated that his fellow babies were doubt- less aware for what purpose this meeting was called. It was to protest against the manner in which they, as American babies and citizens of this glorious republic, were treated. How much longer were they to stand it? Asa baby of the world—and he had had five long months’ experience of its ways—he for one would not. ‘There were so’ many grievances that he scarcely felt equal to the task of enumerat- ing them. He objected to the constant appli- cation of the barbarous puff and powder all over his body; he—and, he would venture to say, every baby present—objected to being washed without his feelings being consulted. [Cries of ga! ga!}_ ‘Then, as to food, he could not say that he didn’t get enough to keep body and soul together—but it was a crying shame that he always had to yell when he wanted more. But why should baby diet be limited to milk? Milk, what was milk? It was a miser- able, white, chalky fluid; was not over-nourish- ing, and anything but palatable. It was incon- ceivable that in this century of boasted ci zation the large and important class of the com- munity to which he had the honor to belong should be compelled to subsist on such miser- able wishy-washy stuff. Mothers, fathers, and nurses didn't live on milk alone. Oh, dear no. They knew a trick worth two of that —they ate beefsteaks, fried oysters, and other delicacies, but not a morsel was ever given to the baby— theykept it all for themselves. [Cries of boo- hoo!] He had a name for this iniquitous policy —it was concentrated essence of meanness. He would now call upon the baby who was to move the first resolution. Basy Bennie Bouncer, a red-cheeked forty- pounder of eight months, moved: “That the systematic persecution to which the Baby class is subjected by all members of the community, espe- cially mothers and nurses, is opposed to the spirit of the Constitution of the United States.” There was not a great deal left for him to say after the eloquent speech of his young friend, the Chair-baby. He said young because he (Bouncer) was three months older. In this United States, which was supposed to be a model government, it was shameful that the rights of the Baby should be ignored. Had not the North waged a sanguinary war against the South to free the Negro? Was not the question of Women’s rights constantly agitated? Were not these rights acknowledged, tosome extent? Was there not a society in ex- istence for the prevention of cruelty to animals? And yet no effort had been «ade to ameliorate the condition of the Babies, the pride and hope of the nation! P.ns were still recklessly plunged into their tender skin; pap was cram med into their mouths, and catnip tea was poured down their throats, by unprincipled nurses and mothers, regardless of their pro- A STRIKE FOR FREEDOM. VERY enthusiastic public. meeting of the Babies of New York and vicinity testations, He was glad to see so large an at- tendanceat the meeting. Let them, as Americans and babies, strike for freedom, and they would obtain it. He had much pleasure in moving the resolution. It having been seconded, the Chair-baby put the question, which was carried without a dis- senting voice. Basy Sin Mon Lone, seven months old, of Chinese parentage, spoke as follows: Me likee Melican baby, but too muchee baby New Ylork. In China we dlownee too muchec baby, we—(cries of “chew your gum ring!” “chair!” ‘chair! “shake up your rattle!) I say dlownee too muchee baby here allee same likee China (gal ga!” “where's your pigtail?” “put your head in a puff-box!") Basy Etpap Meruiet, a pious triplet of fourteen months, begged to move the follow- ing resolution: “That a committee be appointed to draft a bill to be laid before Congress for relief of babies’ disabilities.” He couldn't say much, because one of his set, he meant a triplet brother, had pulled his hair, put his finger in his eye, and hurt him generally. He didn’t like to be exhibited as if he were a monkey. How would mothers and fathers like it? Basy Joey Wossrey Copnstey, five weeks old, weight one and a quarter pounds—who chews tobacco and drinks daily a quart of whis- key—in seconding the resolution, remarked that young and light as he was, he had experienced enough ill-treatment to open his eyes to the fact that mothers and nurses ought to be abolished. They were a nuisance. He didn’t want to be rocked to sleep by the discordant and cracked voice of one of these crea- tures. He liked good singing and preferred a cultivated mezzo-soprano. ‘I'he resolution was unanimously adopted. An Unknown Bapy asked if any legislation was contemplated with regard to feeding- bottles; some means ought to be taken of fix- ing it permanently to the mouth—it was always taken away from him when he most wanted it, Tue Crair-pasy said that such matters must be left to the discretion of the committee. Basy Tootsey ‘Twostoes, aged six months, a twin, who was born with teeth in her head, entirely disapproved of the objects of this meeting (cries of “go to bye bye!” “hoo, hoo, hoo!”). ‘She was perfectly satisfied with the manner in which her mother behaved towards her (Hoo, hoo! shy a pap spoon at her!” uproar). She didn’t see that babies had any- thing to complain of (cries of ‘put on her bib!’ confusion). She liked the ‘‘catch-er, catch-er, catch-er.” “the tootsicumtoo,” and “the hush-a-by baby.” (“You're a baby girl!) Yes, she was a baby girl, and as they had been talking so much about babies’ rights, she demanded her right to speak free from inter- ruption (uproar). Here there were loud cries of “chair, chair!” from several quarters, and the meeting came to an abrupt termination by mothers and nurses bursting in the room in a body, and carrying off their offspring and charges vi ef armis. Tue experienced barkeeper hangs the tota- abstinence pledge on his wa |, and the grateful apostles of temperance give his establishment a good notice in tae newspapers. And the regular customer drops in and signs his naine among the brands snatched from the burning, cheerfully remarking: ‘Four fingers to-day, Jim. A man who's squared his accounts with religion has a ri>ht to a little extra indulgence.” Zach CHANDLER has gone to farming. He will make a speciality of corn, and expects to economize largely by raising his own cocktails. THE OBELISK OUT-DONE. MORE OF PUCK’S EXCLUSIVE INFOR- MATION. UCK is enabled to lay before his readers ¥y this week additional information about the princely gift of His Imperia! Majesty the Emperor of China. A very distinguished en- gineer, residing near C——y I—d, has been selected by the Emperor as the person to whom alone he will entrust the delicate duty of ship- ping the great wall to these shores, The em- ployment of this distinguished engineer is one of the conditions attached to the gift of the wall. This D. E. intends to box the entire structure, and putting it upon wheels, transport it to the coast of China, between Ningpo and Canton, whence it will be pontooned over to the American coast, landing somewhere near Santa Barbara, in California. Jules Verne, the eminent scientist, is now engaged in perfecting the details of this transshipment, having been requested to do so per cable. As the Great Chinese Wall is in a remote part of China, some of Puck's readers may not have seen it, and the following description may not be out of place here: During the reign of Chopstickho the IT., of the Theachst Dynasty, 3,000 years B. C., it was discovered that numbers of the Chinese were in the habit of crossing the borders of the Flowery Kingdom, to avoid paying poll- taxes, water-rates, etc., necessitating the enlist- ment of a vast number of deputy-sheriffs, and a constant watch upon the frontier. Bounty-jumping was also extensively carried on on the borders of Crim ‘Tartary. (In fact we owe nearly everything to the Chinese, in- cluding gunpowder, printing, and a great many other supposed developments of our boasted modern civilization.) As the Emperor of China found this very inconvenient, and, furthermore, as his subjects were terribly harassed by sew- ing-machine agents from Russia, life-insurance men, book-agents, people selling prize-packages of stationery from Siberia, and tramps gene- rally from the west of Asia, he formed the idea of building the aforesaid wall, which should serve the purpose of at once keeping both in and out of the Middle Kingdom such parties as were detrimental to it, either side of the pro- posed wall. It is also alleged by other historians that the Emperor began operations by forming a Ring to control the building of the wall, and gave all his friends fat jobs; so that, when it was finally completed, his subjects looked upon it with the same degree of satisfaction with which our citizens gaze upon the New Court House bequeathed to them by our own Tweed et al. ‘The wall was not, however, finished in this good sovereign’s reign, but continued to be, for a long time, a gold mine to the contractors. At regular intervals along its sides were built towers ornamented with statues of the great amen of China, such as the man who first dis- covered bird’s-nest soup, he who first chewed orris-root after drinking, the inventor of the telephone, the inspired genius who invented free-lunches, and the immortal Chingpo, who discovered the passive principle of the slate. Want of space prevents us from pursuing the subject further at present. Jupce Davis is the most liberal man on the bench. When he sends a convict up, he gives him, along with the sentence, a brief biograph- ical sketch, a sermon, and_a lecture on juris- prudence. If he could only throw in a song- and-dance act and a negro sketch, it would lighten the rigors of imprisonment to an incon- ceivable extent, comicbooks.cqim