Puck — November 28, 1877 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. PUCK'S SENSATIONAL NOVELS, (Couped from the earliest steamer by special arrangement.) THE CRIME OF A HISTORY. AFTER VICTOR HUGO. INTRODUCTORY. The crime is committed. It is my History. I published it. 1, ‘THe Crime. It is morning. Louis 1s a matchless villain. I know it. A |] lie isa lie. This villain is a liar. A traitor lies, Treason isa crime. This liar is a traitor. ‘I lie is to steal. A traitor is a midnight assassi I brand hin an assassin, The world accepts it. ‘The school keeps. Calmness reigns. ‘The noble pedagogue sleeps, It is Monsieur Pepin. A projectile flies. It is a school-history bound in calf, It flies towards its destruction. The teacher's nose is a target. It strikes the target. Torrents of human blood flow. Unspeakable horror. Louis smiles. He is a cut-throat. Villainy smiles. A devil smiles, a traitor smiles. History is grand. It is calm, serene. It does not smile! Louis threw the book. It is my book. He stole it. I. THe Stor. “ Canaille!”” Monsieur the noble teacher wipes his young nose, “Victor!” stand up. “You are a villain. Y u threw this book!” lama hero. Louis is = devil. He grins. Glory is the sun of life. It warms the world. France is glory. Glory and France is the world. Iam Victor. “Victor, march out!” I march out. Monsieur the teacher is calm. ‘The storm subsides. Louis laughs. Ill. Hic Treason. * Victor, you are a fool!” Ido not smile. The teacher smiles, Louis smiles, “Tt is despotic treason.” This say I, Victor, the eloquent. I look grand. My classmates are gratified. Louis makes naughty grimaces at me and the noble maitre, “ Garcon!" “Yes, mon grand seigneur.”” “Do you see this?” “Yes, monsieur.”” It is the servile rod. ‘The rod is vile. It has no conscience; it does not know liberty; it is the military. “ This is the law, sir! Who threw the book ?” I say: “ Louis did it.” “Tt is a lie!” shouts Louis. Louis is a bully. His classmates are servile puppies. They shout with Louis: “It is his book!” It was my book, Louis stole it. Thus was a monstrous lie coupled with a diabolical outrage. Iv. DesporisM. Louis is an ignoble wretch. followers are ru Isay it. His | books. He is only holding off for Thursday. “Victor, you are a dunce!” says Mons. Pepin. “T punish you.” . A sufferer is a hero. saint isa god. I ama sufferer. Victor, Punishment is swift; it is fickle and blind. Justice is eternal. I was flogged. It was a crime on humanity. My history done it. It is a traitor. A hero is a saint. A My name is Justice WeEps. I weep. “ Louis threw the book. I saw it.” Frangois is a patriot. Francois is an orator. Frangois says this. It is a thunderbolt. Monsieur le Maitre falters. mantles his noble brow. “It isa base lie!” says Louis. shout with him. “ “You are a villain!” retorts Frangois. His classmates are brave. Tumult and dire confusion. stops. Heaven and hell clash. its head. Justice weeps. Ignoble shame His ruffians ‘The universe Order bows VI. Liperte, EGALITE ET FRATERNITE. “Coquins!”” “ Aux armes!” “Traitres!” “Infames!” chiens!"" “ Scélerats!” “ Baht" “ Gueux!"" “ Tmposteurs!” Vu. THe Battie. ‘Tue battle begins. It is over. We are routed. France hangs its head in shame, and walks in sackcloth and ashes. Louis is the conqueror. He has become a hero. My history made him a hero. VU. An Enp Worse THAN Deatu. ‘The teacher has retreated. He is not brave. Messieurs les deserteurs come. Order is restored. 1 am expelled as an evil-minded inciter of revolt and confusion. My history done it. Louis stole it; he threw it at the teacher. I am disgraced. Ix. RETRIBUTION. I confine my treacherous school-history to the flames. I speak no more of Louis. It is terrible. HamILton Fisu, uneasy in the retirement into which he has sunk since he lost the posi tion of Spanish counsel at Washington, has come to the front again to calumniate the late Mr. Sumner. ‘The general opinion of the American people is that Fish ought to be des- siccated with all the promptness and expedi- tion possible. WHEN your little boy turns away from the dinner-table, and mournfully rejects the pie that was erstwhile his delight, don’t think that his precocious affections have been entirely blighted, or that he is going into a decline, like the good little boys, in the Sunday-School SONG HAT eve my love I told In chaste yet burning kisses, And to my breast did fold, That eve my love I told, My lady; sweetest blisses Upon my senses rolled, ‘That eve my love I told Tn chaste yet burning kisses. As looked she in my face Imperious as a lily ‘That flowers in the chace— As looked she in my face, I heard her whisper Yours is a hopeless case,” As looked she in my face, Imperious as a lily. Billy, R, K. Munkrrtrick, DICTIONARY OF THE FUTURE. (Continued.) Baccuus.—The Pagan Gambrinus. Baker.—A man who takes for his motto: “ Dough unto others as you wish them to do unto you.” ‘ Baier. - Liquid poetry—sometimes Tenny- son, more often Swinburne. BaseBatt.—A modern variety of hard labor. Brass-BAND.—An association for the destruc- tion of musical taste. Booty.—$100,000. BEAUTY.—$1,000,000. Cannon.—The divine right of kings. Cuarity.—The elder sister of happiness. Campaicn.—Condensed music. CiarioneT.—An elongated owl. Concert.—A musical circus—the. mest ex- travagant feature often the most applauded. | Conscience.—A constitutional king, which reigns but does not govern. 5 Mg Cur.—Important to actors, Chinese and bil- liard-players. ; . Cupip.—A young gentleman now in partner- ship with his relative by marriage—Cupidity. omepy.— English: Milk-and-water; French: Brandy-and-water; American: Soda-water. Cur p'ORCHESTRE.—A man who, though he is always beating time, never gets ahead of it. Cat.—The originator of the Thomas con- certs. : Curistmas.—A time when all pine for high trees on. Cas.—An itinerant entomological museum. Court (or Law).—A place where each cross- question brings a crosser answer, Court (iN Love).—Hére, as in the court of law, the suitor has to pay the bill. Cottece.—A place where the musclemen take a prize for scullership. : Crus (AMATEUR Dramatic).—A collection of sticks. Dume-BetLe.—An impossibility. Diamonps. — Jewels that scintillate and cause others to sin till late. : Dicestion.—One of the lost American vir- tues. Deeps.—‘‘ My deeds upon my head ”—as the lawyer said when he put his papers in his hat. Dear. - Happy man! he cannot hear “ Silver Threads Among the Gold.” Dissipation.—On the down-grade of the railroad to ruin—the throttle open, and no one at the brakes. Duet.- -A double-barreled song. Boston politicians, in deference to the pop ular taste, call it the Argentiferous William. Silver Bill is vulgar.