Puck — November 21, 1877 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

4 PUCK. THE IMAGINATIVE TRAMP, AND SOME OF THE STORIES HE TOLD. OL. PODGERS, the editor of the Squash- ville Recorder, was seated in his sanctum the other day busily figuring up his an- nual income of cordwood and potatoes, when the door opened and a forlorn-looking speci- men of humanity slid quietly in and took pos- session of the only vacant chair in the room. The wayworn traveler sat still and appeared to be communing with his thoughts for a few moments; then he braced up, glanced in the direction of the Colonel, and remarked: “Business is booming right along, now-a- days, ain't it?” “T don’t now,” replied Podgers; ‘some kinds of business may be doing very well, but I find that journalism isn't making me rich very fast.” «Must be something wrong then. Perhaps you lack talent on the paper. You see, an in- telligent reading community demands imental bulum of the highest order of literary excel- fence. You can’t pass off any chicken-feed on them. They won’t have it. They want solid intellectual grub. Your paper needs stirring up, renovating; needs infusing with new life. Now, I think I am just the man for the j b. Put me on the staff of the Recorder, and in less than three weeks there will be a big change in the paper; yes, sir, the paper will be changed so that you woul|n’t recognize it!” “TI don’t doubt it in ‘the least. And I'll uarantee the change wouldn't be for the etter, either. No, I guess I shall not need your services. I like the paper very well as it is.” “ But consider what a chance you are throw- ing away; I am the pioneer reporter and editor of the far West. “I made the fortune of half of the news- papers in the West. “If it hadn’t been for me the Missouri Screamer, the Toledo Ramrod and all the rest of the noted Western papers would never have been heard of outside the cities in which they are published. . “1 worked on each of those papers, and my pre-eminent ability alone raised them from the rut of old fogyism and set them running smoothly on the broad highway of fame and financial success. “These are solemn facts, and can be backed up by any amount of testimony. “Why, when { joined the editorial corps of the Missouri Screamer in 's59, the paper had only thirteen regular subscribers, and seven of them hadn’t paid up in two years. “Well, I took right hold in my usual style, and sort of revolutionized the paper in all its departments, and made it worth reading. “The result was just what might have been expected. ‘The very first week we received thirty-five new cash subscriptions, and four out of the seven delinquents called around and settled their bills and paid cash in advance for the year to come. «Lhe next week the orders came in so fast that it required five clerks to write them up in the subscription books and mail the papers. “Te went on this way some time, and at last we were compelled to move the Screamer into a larger building, and keep six steam presses in the basement running night and day to print the immense edition. ““"I’ben our stock of paper gave out, and as there was considerable trouble about getting it from the east by mail fast enough for our pur- poses, we turned the old building into a paper- mill and made our own paper just as we needed it. “This was an economical arrangement, and we never had to worry over our supply of paper peafter that. “Pretty soon a new trouble arose. “This time it was lead pencils. “We had ordered a car-load of these indis- pensable articles for our many reporters, and the consignment had been burned up among a train of cars on the road. “Our business manager said he wouldn't stand any more nonsense of that kind, so he bought out a lead pencil factory and run it for the exclusive purpose of furnishing pencils for the Screamer reporters.” “(Is that a fact? Somehow it don’t sound reasonable,” interrupted Podgers, just begin- ning to get interested. “Yes, sir, it's a fact. If you don’t believe it,” bring out your almanac and I'll swear to it! “And I haven't got through, either. “The Screamer didn't stop there. “Owing to constant use our type wore out very fast, and to meet the emergency the pro- prietor of the paper purchased a large build- ing next door and established a type foundry to keep up the demand. “And thus we kept on. “Whenever we found that the newspaper office was in need of anything in a special line, we immediately bought or erected a suitable building and commenced the manufacture of the required article or articles. “After a while it got so that the various ma- nufactories and buildings belonging to the Screamer made quite a city of themselves, and it cost a small fortune yearly just to run the machinery. “Then the. proprietor got an idea in his head that he could have the buildings connected by ashaft and have a Corliss Engine near the centre run by nitro-glycerine to furnish motive power for the whole. “This appeared to be a feasible plan,and we tried it. “It worked to a charm, “The very first time it was set in motion it blew up and tore things to everlasting smash. “Not a vestige of the Screamer establishment and its anxiliary buildings was left to tell the tale. “The manager, and the whole force of edi- tors and reporters, were instantly killed. “Tt was a terrible—" “Look here!" interrupted Podgers, “ didn't you say you were employed on the Screamer ?” “Yes." “Then I want to know what in thunder you're doing around here? You said the whole newspaper staff was blown upand killed. Seems to me your story don’t hang together.” “Oh, I forgot to mention that I was away on a vacation when the sad accident occured. “As soon as | heard of the disaster I hurried back, but I was too late to do any good. ‘All that could be found of the Screamer office was the foundation stones and an iron safe, turned wrong side out. “ Everything else had been scattered all over the country by the force of the explosion. “The trees for three or four miles around were stuck so full of type that, by sawing the trunks off in proper lengths, a first-class Rus- sian newspaper might have been printed from them. | “Tt was a very sad affair; and what made it peculiarly harrowing to my feelings was the fact that [ had neglected to draw my month's salary in advance, as usual. “ When I saw how the thing stood, I started a subscription-list for the sufferers; and being the principal one myself, as soon as I raised money enough | boarded a freight-train, and left for fresh journalistic fields and pastures new, as Solomon expresses it. “Since that I have drifted about in the West from journal to journal, making my mark on each. One week I would be on the staff of the Muskegon Moonbeam, and the next would find me hard at work on the Burlington Bud//-Dozer, “But I'm getting along in years now, and I can’t stand knocking around the country so much, “I've made up my mind to settle down on some steady, reliable Eastern paper, and I thought I'd call and offer my talents to you, “As I said on the start, I'think I am just the man you want. “Only give me a show and I'll make the Squashville Recorder a power in the land ! Yes, sir; and I'll run the circulation of the paper up to ninety thousand in the shade in less than three months, as sure as my name is George Washington Jones! That's the kind of an editor lum! You hear that!” “ But—." “That's all right; you needn't say a word. Just trot out your writing material, and we'll draw up the agreement, and I'll come right on and commence work in the morning.” “But if you will allow me, I wish to say that I don’t need your services, and won't have them at any price. I am very well suited with the present editor of the Kecorder.” The Western editor sadly arose, picked up his hat and bitterly remarked: “All right, sir. You have spurned my offer and I will go; but, mark my words; you will regret it. I'll rake my loose capital together and start a rival paper inside of a week, and knock your miserable sheet higher than Ha- man’s kite! Yes, I will! I'll do it if it costs four million dollars, and don’t you forget it !"” And George Washington Jones went forth to raise the necessary fifteen cents to start a news- paper. W. S. G. Tue Marquise de T.lleyrand-Perigord re- cently sent General Grant an invita‘ion to her receptions; and the Grant family, who are a little behind in their Gallic, held a conclave over it, and decided that it was a circular. ‘lhe General remarked: ‘1 ain’t been in these parts very long, and | can’t pronounce those letters; but I know that last word means something to eat.” So they sent the courier out to get some. We are waiting for some high-minded and patriotic legislator to introduce in the present Cougress ‘An Act entitled an Act for the Sup- pression of Eliperkins.”” Tue Sun is trying to raise a sensation because all the coculus indicus that is imported into this country goes into the lager that we drink. is an altogether unjustiiable interference with the rights of the citizen. 1f a man wants to take his coculus indicus in sager-b-er, it is not the business of even the caost enterprising newspaper to flaunt his idiosyncrasies to the cold gaze of a heartless world. Tue city of Liverpool is going to get its wat.r from Wales. Bourbon county, Kentucky, will continue to supply the other ingredient. A Man in the swindelier line, Who made oleomargarine, Remarked, with a laugh: “My name is Paraf— And my butter 1’ll call Paraf-fine.” We suppose that a testamentary bequest with no assets to run against, is what might be called a dead give-away. THE most devout humility displayed by any member of the congregation is shown by the man who has forgotten his pocket-handkerchief. , =i] comichooks,