Puck — November 14, 1877 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. No survivino wife of the late head of the Mormon church can claim sympathy on the ground of being a “lone” widow.— Worcester Press. Tue female population of Deadwood has been reduced to thirteen. That’s an odd num- ber, but they are odd females.—Detroit Free Press. We reach the conclusion, after the most care- ful investigation, that the: husband of Miss Dickinson has not been nominated.— Rochester Democrat, A sicn on a Rochester street reads, ‘‘ Joseph Amborn.” We don't wish to deny the assertion, but we object to the grammar of it.—Xochester Democrat, Mr. GunTHER, one of the Commissioners of something in Chicago, is the gentleman fre- quently mentioned as according to.— Rochester Democrat. Mr. Tween says, Mr. Tilden became rich by tiring other people out. Perhaps he means to be President in the same way.— Rochester Democrat, THERE isn’t much difference between a grasshopper and a grass widow, after all. Either will jump at the first chance.— Unknown Exchange. Wuen Sunset Cox rises in the House he almost inadvertently says, ‘‘The gentleman from Pennsylvania—excuse me—Mr. Speaker.”” N. Y. Herald. We learn that Mrs. Mary Dambehe resides in Chicago. Wonder if she is any kin to old Damn-be-he-who-first-cries-hold-enough ?— Oi! City Derrick. Sraney discovered the existence of fifteen million Ethiopians heretofore unknown. Will some other explorer follow up the scent ?— N.Y. Commercial, ‘Tue fatality among the sufferers at Fernan- dina has been considerably increased by the arrival of several doctors from Cincinnati.— St, Louis Journal. ‘Tuere is a new paper in Cincinnati called the Sunday Breakfast Table. In Boston it would have been called the Sabéath Fish Ball. —Worcester Press. Men used to get their lives insured for the benefit of their families. They now insure for the benefit of the company’s president and his family.— Worcester Press. ‘Tue first umbrella appeared in England in the year 17773 but history doesn’t inform us when the first umbrella disappeared, and who carried it off.—Norristown Herald. Irwill be noticed that this column is printed a good deal in the shape of an obelisk.— P. /. Man. Probably the reason you have such hard work to get it up.— Phila. Bulletin. Tue editor who saw a lady making for the only empty seat in a car found himself “‘ crowded out to make room for more interest- ing matter.”—New Orleans Picayune. Way do the New York papers always speak of Oakey Hall as “A Oakey Hall,” instead of “The Oakey Hall”? Is it because he is such an indefinite article?— Phila, Bulletin. Aw exchange wants to know how the Turks happened to learn to fight so well. Why, man, most of the Turkish officers have over half a dozen wives.— Turner's Falls Reporter. Our dearly beloved brother of the Brooklyn Union-Argus says: ‘George Eliot's slender fingers have the grip of a giant.” Been into your hair, has she? Well, never mind; keep away from-’em, son, keep away from ’em.— Burlington Hawkeye. THERE may be a humorous side to moving, but, if so, the man who owns the furniture and the one who handles it generally get left when the laugh comes in.— Bridgeport Standard, Times must be hard, indeed, as New Jersey mosquitoes complain that ten drops of human gore don’t furnish as much nourishment as five did a dozen years ago.— Andrews’s Bazaar. APPROACH a man in the proper manner, and you can wheedle him into doing anything within the possibilities, except to build a new house without a bay-window.— Breakfast Table. “« Twice is he armed who hath his quarrel just.” —Shakspere. And four times he who gets his blow in fust. Cin, Breakfast Table. THAT cow that committed suicide, the other day, must not be spoken of as being hurried into another world. She had her udder whirled in this life—every time she was milked.— Phi/a. Bulletin, A LIFE-INSURANCE agent in the West lately pretended to be a minister in order to get a chance to talk up his favorite subject to a man who was to hang the next day.— Philadelphia Herald, You see the nigger over there? He’s the hostler; we call him Two-fingered Sam. He's half a fool. Some fellow told him that that mule had no teeth in his upper jaw.—J. ¥. Ev. Express. It was reported that Spotted Tail committed suicide. We cannot believe that he would ruthlessly cut himself off.—Hawkeye. Not un- less he was driven to his last extremity.— Phila, Bulletin, It may be true that in the spring a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love, but for real business in the matrimonial line the sere autumn leads ten to one.—Aorwich Bulletin. ‘Tue problem of buying a ten-dollar Christ- mas present with seventy-five cents available cash will present itself for the elucidation of the brave Young-man-who-goes-to-see-his-girl. —Newark Call. No hand-organs should be allowed on the streets election day. Men want to feel that stern sense of duty that old Roman senators felt, and music might break in upon it.—De- trout Free Press. ‘THAT was a canard—the story that Anna Dick’nson had rejected three more marriage offers. ‘They were sent to her on postal cards, and she simply reserved her decision.— Cin. Breakfast Table. Ir is asserted that Jennie June tells the story that one of the gentlemen who proposed to Anna Dickinson was General Ben Butler. We presume the other one was Dr. Mary Walker. —WNew York Herald. Russia has 139 holidays every year, and the people only have time to recover from one spree, when another day of merry-making dawns, and everybody drifts away on another drunk. - Fulton Times. A Lonpon tailor has this sign in his win- dow: ‘No American orders taken without a deposit.” Above a bar in Chicago may be “No trust for alleged English noble- men.”"— Yonkers Gasette. Swett son—No, don't like her at all— horridly vulgar woman— her husband ‘Enery!” ‘Self-made” father (vaguely) — “Ah!” (Pause.) ‘Well, but ain't ’is name *Enery ?”—London Fun. ‘THe New York Zribune thinks we might con- trive to live if all the cigar-makers in the country were to strike. But consider how hard it would be on the poor to be compelled to buy real Havanas.—Boston Globe. Ar a school exhibition out on West Hill, the other day, a delicate young lady, i Gray’s Elegy, modified the coarse vulgarity of one of the lines, by rendering it, ‘‘ Can storied earn or animated burst.”— Burlington Hawkeye, | || Now with pumpkins the fields are golden, And the woodland is sere and gray, And the buckwheat cometh to me in The dawn of a batter day. ! —W. Y. Commercial. A coop little boy who was kicked by a mule | did not say naughty words or 0 home cryin; to his mother. rithis He just tied the mule within five feet of a beehive, backed him round to it, | and let him kick. - Richmond Dispatch, Lorp Mayor of London receiving Cleops- | “Pooh, d'ye think I’m going to ‘|; tra’s Needles let that thing go-hup? Fill the scratches with putty, and give it a dose of red paint and white penciling, yer know." — Unidentified Ex. Ir has been decided since the late Albany convention that Christopher Columbus shall not be canonized. The ecclesiastical authori- ties made up their minds that he might easily have been in better business.— Rochester Demo- erat. Peerinc into the murky mistiness of finan- cial gloom that pervades our region, the only sure way to provide ourselves with a winter- overcoat seems to lie in the determination to be an Injun and kill somebody.—S¢. Louis Journal. A CONTEMPORARY says “‘ sauerkraut. is heal- thy.” And this is the truth. You never*hear sauerkraut complaining of feeling weak. On the contrary, it never loses its strength—and the older it gets, the stronger it becomes.— Norr. Herald. Ir is no longer easy to become a first-class criminal—one whose crimes will create a'gen- uine sensation; for one of the absolute require- ments is that the-individual shall have lived a comparatively long life of morality and piety. Worcester Press. We observe that Brother Talmage has an- nounced his intention of giving up lecturing. This is not only cruel to the public, but to break off thus suddenly from violent gymnastic exercise may prove harmful to Talmage him- self.—N. Y. Clipper. Tue Roman Emperor, who sadly exclaimed, “T have lost a day,” would have felt. much worse had it been his collar-button, and com- pelled him to go rooting under the bureau and behind the bed in vain search for the article, —Rockland Courier. Ir will interest lightning-rod agents and patent-right peddlers to know that the latest novelty is to have the monogram cut deep into the sole of the boot. It is a fashion that is likely to be felt by this class more than by any other.— Norristown Herald. Ir the boy who threw burrs into a little girl's hair on Saturday, will call on her mother, he will receive an illustration of the evolution of heat by the sudden obstruction of a body in motion, that will make him feel like a Base burner all winter.—Rome Sentinel, 4 Tue same lad whose back aches at nine o'clock so furiously as to put going to.school entirely out of the question, in an hour after is chased out of the. suburban chestnut grove licketty-split by a brindle dog and an unsym- pathetic farmer.— Catskill Recorder. SxHe—“ How lovely in the calm stillness of evening to listen to the ni fing’ note." He—“ Ye'th, he’s a doocid fine fellow, is the nightingale; but I thay (bright idea), he must be a beathtly noothance to all the other little birdth that want to go to thleep.” —London Fun, comicbooks.com