Puck — June 1877 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. THE MATRIMONIAL MARK HAT should we do without the Herald? | It not only, among its numerous price- less boons, gives the latest war news, | furnishes us with the addresses of the most | eminent quack doctors, and delights us with | mysterious personal advertisements, but it lib- | erally throws open its columns to those unfor- tunate beings who have been unable, in the or- dinary course of existence, to find helpmeets. Sunday is the day on which these unhappy in- dividuals trot out their misery like Roman beg- * gars, inviting pity by their afflictions; and what creature bearing the outward or inward sem- blance of a woman could resist such an appeal as this: A MIDDLE-AGED GENTLEMAN, REFINED, CONSID erated for the honorability of hi Of his person, wishes to get married fal lady who possesses fortune in con dress IWAN, Herald office. As “Ivan” is “considerated for the honor- ability of his profession and the morality of | his person,” we take it that his fortune consists | largely of the above admirable qualities; but it | was a shocking oversight on his part not to tell | us what his profession is. Is he a foreign waiter, a Brummagem jewelry or match peddler, a barber’s assistant, or a lager-beer bar-tender? ‘The lack of this information throws grave doubts on ‘‘the morality of his person.” Never- | theless, we hope that refined Ivan may manage | to scoop in a “reasonable and mindful lady” although neither reasonableness nor mindful- ness are common in women. And as for her fortune, in conformity with Ivan’s own, we trust she may possess all the honorability of profes- sion and morality of person he might desire, for they are ‘an excellent thing in woman.” Our next friend rends our heart-strings, as follows: GENTLEMAN sad Uber. profeu the acquaintance of a a fine education, agreeable appearance an LOVALTY, Herald office. “Loyalty” “wishes for matrimonial views.” Well, he oughtn’t to have to go far for these; almost any police court or divorce court will furnish him with an unlimited amount of views of matrimonial felicity; or, if he wants to do the thing properly, why doesn’t he go to Utah at once, and consult Brigham Young, who has, without exception, the best stock of matrimonial views in America on hand? “Loyalty” is evi- dently of a “horsey” turn of mind, as he speaks of a 30 or 40 year old lady as he would of a two-year old colt, but as he is ‘quite independent, distinguished situation and liberal profession,” we mustn’t grumble at the phrase- ology of such a phenomenon. ADY ABOUT 9, OF LIBERAL MEANS, FOR WIFE BY “HENRY I, flerald office There is a delightful ambiguity about the above, wondrously fascinating. It might almost mean anything. Is Henry I. the father by his wife of lady about 30 of liberal means for wife, or is lady about 30 named Henry I., and does she want liberal means for wife, or do liberal means for wife want lady about 30 for Henry I., or does the Herald office want Henry I. by liberal means for 30 ladies about for a wife? ‘The last advertisement is somewhat more per- | all the men who work on the paper to under- spicuous, although we are at a loss to under- | stand it.” stand why it should be under the head of Ma-| [Zakes the “ copy” and carefully crosses out trimonial. | the word President, and in its place substitutes WO YOUNG FOREIGN GENTLEMEN WOULD Like | plain “Mr.,” then hands it back to boy, who hur- to make the acquaintance of two young American ladies with | 4 the view of practising the English language during a jomed stay in | 74€S owl.) . the country, Address FOREIGN, box 125 Herald office [Presently enters a seedy-looking customer, who We can picture to ourselves the delicious | approaches the manager and applies for a job as dalliance and enjoyment of these young bucolic | reporter. The following conversation ensues.) foreigners with the young American ladies dur-| Manacinc Ep. So you want a position ing their “joined” stay in the country; and | as reporter, do you?” we'd give a trifle to see our two youngcountry- | Appiicant. _“ Yes, sir.” women who, through this advertisement, are to Manacinc Ep. “Well, we have a series of practice the English language with these simple, | questions which we invariably put to all appli- unsophisticated youths. Our disinterested ad- | cants. If you can answer them in a satisfac- vice to all American young ladies would be, | tory manner, I guess there will be no trouble not to make a “joined” stay in the country | about giving you the place.” with any such impertinent jackanapes, not to) AppLicant. ‘ Proceed with your catechism.” practice the English language with them; and | Manacinc Ep. “How much experience lastly, not to read the indecent advertisements | have you had in the duties of reporter ?” in the matrimonial column of the /era/d. cant. _‘¢ Nearly fifteen years,” Ep. “What are you, politically —a Democrat or a Republican ?” Appticant. ‘Oh, it don’t make any differ- ence to me. I'm whichever the paper is that I work for.”” Manacinc Ep. ‘“ This is an independent IS RUN, journal, cut bias on the Democratic side. What is your opinion of the Republican party?” Appiicant. ‘It’s in a bad way; sort of petered out.” Manac Sp. “ What is Samuel J. Tilden ?” Appiicant. “A gentleman and a scholar; ex-Governor of New York, and President, de Jure, of the United States.” MANAGI Ep. ‘Who occupies the White House, to the exclusion of its rightful inmate ?” Appiicant. ‘An obscure individual from Ohio, named Hayes B. Rutherford, or some- thing of that sort.” Manacinc Ep. “Has Judas Iscariot any BEHIND THE JOURNALISTIC HOW A DAILY NEWSPAPER ‘Tine, the present. Scene, Editorial Rooms of a daily paper; Managing Editor at his desk looking over dispatches; fifteen or twenty assistant editors and reporters scat- tered about, writing and conversing in low tones; motto hanging on wall: ‘It. shines for all—price two cents.” Dramatis Persons, Managing Editor and subordi- nate: Manacinc Ep. “ Jones!” Jones. “Well, sir?” Manacinc Ep.‘ Here’s a cablegram saying GING | that Grant is meeting with a warm reception in | relatives in this country ?”” ; England; that the people are thronging to see Appricant. ‘Yes; one—a first cousin, known and pay homage to the greatest of American | as Aliunde J. Bradley.” generals.” Manacinc Ep. “ Who is the leading states- Jon ‘es, what of it?” man of America?” Manacinc Ep, “Well, that will never do. | Apeticant. “Charles Francis Adams.” I want you to write a letter, dated at Liverpool, | © Manacinc Ep. Who is Blaine?” just before Grant sailed, saying that Minister Avrticant. ‘Don't know. Never heard of Pierrepont and the American consuls are fixing | the man.” ‘ . things to give the ex-President a royal recep-| | MANacinc Ep, “I don’t think there is any- tion; and that if he is received with unusual thing more to ask. You will pass very well. honor, it will be due to their efforts instead of Your duties will be reporting firesand dog-fights being a free and spontaneous expression of En- | for a week or so, until a vacancy occurs in the glish good-will. I guess that will take the wind | editorial corps.” ; out of Grant's sails. Be sureand date the let- (dpplicant goes out and plunges into the base- ter back far enough, so it would have time toget | ment of the Tall Tower to celebrate his good for. here by steamer.” tune, and the managing editor resumes his read- Jones, “All right, sir.” ing, only to be interrupted by the voice of the fore- Mr. Jones commences writing his Liverpool | man shouting down the pipe:) letter. ~ The managing editor picks up a copy of | “No letter from the Count Joannes to-day. the Cincinnati “Gazette” and glances over its | Shall we go to press without it?” columns, Sees something he don't like. Turns | Ep. “This is something un- to Jingle, the funny-man of the staff, and re- ‘ount must be ill. I'll send and marks: “Mr Jingle, are you bysy 2” [A boy is dispatched to the rooms of the Count Jin “Not very; just putting the finish. ; Joannes, and returns with the information that ing touches to an article on G. W. Childs, | Ae has gone to Hoboken to fight a duel.) A. M.” Manacine Ep. “To fight a duel? Impos- “Well, when you get | sible! And yet it may be. He shook hands with the F. P. the other day. He is liable to do unexpected things. Anyway, if he escapes unharmed, he will give us an account of the hostile meeting for to-morrow’s paper, and that Jince. “ Yes, sir, it shall be done.” is some consolation. ‘Ihe Count is enterpris- [Boy comes in from composing room with a | ing; very. [to dey,] ‘Tell the foreman to go page of * copy” in his hand, and pauses in front | on and print 125,000 copies of the paper, and of the chief editor's desk.) an extra one for the White House.”” Manacinc Ep. What is it, sonny ?” Boy. “Please, Mr. Editor, the foreman says | as how there must be a mistake in this ‘copy’; it speaks of President Hayes, and he wants to | know if it’s all right.” Manacinc Ep. “ Of course it isn’t right. Hayes isn’t President in this office, and I want ManacinG Epiror. that done I want you to construct a humorous editorial on The Truly Good Deacon. Don't forget to bring in the usual allusion to his des- perately wicked partners and eccentric legs.” BREVIER. Aw English father, of Oriental proclivities, has named his infant son Chushen Rishathaim Dodo Mahershaldheshbaz Maximilian. He will move on Erzeroum at an early date. comicbooks.com