Puck — June 1877 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 3 His “Great Go.” | T is not generally known that ex-President Grant will bé unable to accept the honor hie pi of Doctor of Civil Law which the University | of Oxford proposes to confer upon him, wnt he has passed a rigid examination. But as he has the privilege of choosing his | own subjects, and these will only be such in | which he has acquired proficiency, the chances | of his being plucked will not be so great as | might be imagined. The following are the examination papers: PAPER I. BOTANY, Examiner: Archbishop of Canterbury. 1. What is the relation between cigars and cabbage-leaf, if any ? 2, What are cigars, and who invented them ? 3, Simplify the theory of Improbable Impossi- | bilities, as applied to the flavor of cigars, and | prove it syllogistically. 4. Describe a Regalia Britannica; a Rosa Concha; an Espaiiola; a Reina Victoria. 5. How can an imported cigar be distin- guished from a domestic one? 6. How many cigars ought a healthy man to smoke daily ? PAPER II. HYDROSTATICS. Examiner: Col. Valentine Baker, 1. What is the connection between Hydro- | statics and Whiskey straightics, if any? 2. Explain the terms “Tight,” “Full,” “Three sheets in the wind,” “On a tare,” “Blind drunk.” 3. Ifa man tries to wind up his watch with | his night-key or corkscrew, what important con- clusions may be drawn ? 4. Give the formulz of the component parts of Santa-Cruz-sours, Gin-cocktails, Brandy- smashes, Mint juleps, Whiskey-sours. PAPER HL HISTORY AND CONSTITUTIONAL LAW, Examiner: “Lady Mary” Pierrepont. 1. Give a short critical history of the Whis- key Ring, the Army Ring, the Navy Ring, the | Credit Mobilier and the Safe Burglary. 2. What is a Post-trader? 3- Should a guilty man-be allowed to escape? | 4. What is meant by “going behind the re- turns” and “counting out’? 5- Are Southern States entitled to any legi- timate government ? x. Puck rises to a question of privilege. He wishes to call the attention of the world to certain hitherto neglected geniuses in the ranks of the paragraphers. ‘These are the gentlemen | who fill with scintillations of wit and fancy the | columns of the Boston Courier, the Trenton Herald, the San Francisco Argonaut, and the Dubuque Zelegraph. ‘The most admirable trait in the composition of these individuals is their keen, instantaneous appreciation of humor. ‘They read Puck with commendable assiduity, and so enraptured are | they with the quality of the humor with which | his columns teem, that they have got into the habit of copying his. paragraphs regularly and liberally, It is sad to record, however, that they just as regularly forget to credit the said | paragraphs. i If these paragraphic - artists retain much | longer their wonderful receptive faculty, and | their exquisite taste in humor, Puck means to | publish their portraits, as a supplement to the Graphics full-page group. GRANT'S EXAMINATION PAPERS. | * DANA AS A DAMPER. oa) — UR rival American humorist, the New | York Sun, has introduced a sort of Love's | “<4>~ department, wherein ointments for bleed- | ing hearts are offered in sweet words and pun- gent paragraphs. But we don’t think that | Dana, asa conductor on Cupid’srailway, is much | of a success. He ought to stick to his legiti- mate business of blackguarding the President of the United States. He has been in that trade | so long that the softer and subtler walks of journalism don’t suit him at all. A perplexed Christian youth recently wrote to find out whether it were the correct thing for a young man of numerous and brilliant ac- complishments, and teeming, as it were, with the upper-crustedness of American society, to | wed ‘a maiden meek and lowly, but good—aw- fully good—without his parents’ consent. ‘The severe and scathing response from Dana, the dutiful, was: never, while life remains, never wed the maiden of your young affections, if you are beyond and above her in a scale of | social magnificence, unless your pa and ma are willing. | ‘This is too much for us. Why should the terrible editor of the terrible Sux crush two | young hearts at one fell blow, and spoil a young | girl’s chances of matrimony in such a manner? | She may be a beautiful creature, rich in all things but American dollars of her forefathers, and glowing with the radiance of love, youth and ambition to tackle shirt-buttons. Should the sweet dream of her girlhood be shattered by an unfeeling editor—self-imposed censor of | a fraudulent President? ‘Tus is just the sweet time of the year When the Western Tragedian gets here. He assumes a grand air; As he strikes Union Square, And waits to hear some one say beer. HISTRIONIC BULLDOZING. Pad HE world will learn with distress that Mr. William R. Floyd is uneasy in his mind. & | * Mr. Floyd some time ago came on from Boston, to make a dead failure in ‘‘ The Dani- | cheffs.” He then returned to the Modern Athens, but came hitherward again more re- cently, and made another dead failure in| “Waves.” Feeling that he was losing caste among his associates, and being clothed ina very little particularly brief authority as stage | manager at Wallack’s during the run of the last- | mentioned play, Mr. Floyd composed and hung up in the green-room the following notice: “ Any member of the company heard speaking dispa- ragingly of this play will be immediately discharged.” This may have been very learned and wise and decent, though we don’t see it. But how far it will go toward enabling its author to re- | assert himself in his profession. remains to be discovered. Perhaps it would be well for Mr. Floyd to give up his present business entirely, and go to running a county poorhouse, or a Missouri newspaper, or a slaughter-house, or | some other line where delicate discretion and | refined courtesy would show to advantage. | A poetical youth yclept Fawcett, As a critic endeavored to boss it; But the “ potes” he reviewed Were not greatly subdued; | ‘They refused to be bulldozed by Fawcett. SUMMER RESORT NOTES. MONTCLAIR mosquitoes are through with the spring exercises, and are in fine condition and ready for action. The season commences next week, The Grand Union, Deapwoop City's chief hotel, has stretched a mile and a half of clothes- line, over which it is estimated 500 guests may hung. ‘The Write SutpHur Sprincs have been toned up with mature eggs, and are ready for the summer-stricken invalid. The CaTSKILLs are Prepared for visitors, and it is confidently hoped that fully a pint and a half of water will be turned on at the falls, if the rainy weather holds out. Hopoken hasn’t any mineral waters, but it has beer enough for any number of summer visitors. Sea C1irr opens its briny arms and bids per- spiring Americans to come and sniff salt until further notice. : Batu, L. L, will rejoice in the Florences as summer attractions, and the mighty dollar will, of course, be spent there too. Erzexoum is a good place to pass the sum- mer, but papas can’t go and come on the same day, as they might if it was on the Hudson, Detaware Water Gap hasn't been sealed up, and is open to engagements. Jones Woop will preserve all the attractions of previous seasons, and under the popular and judicious management of the Joneses, will con- tinue to attract the culture and blue blood of the metropol MAMARONECK does hot offer clam-bakes, but there is talk of coablishing) a lunatic asylum there, which will add to the many objects of interest for which this charming locality is al- ready famous. Conasset has published an advertisement, calling for 500 men to eat soft shell clams at two dollars a dozen, with the alternative of ice- cream and crackers. FRENZY. Frenzy in human beings is dangerous at in- tervals. But there are times when alittle touch of the frantic will save a man’s life. When the youth with the poem on Summer draws near to pour his plaintively poetic tale into your ear, arise in your frenzy and wither him and he will disappear like a harlequin through a trap-door. When the ubiquitous tailor with his irrepress- ible bill walks calmly into your sanctum, frantic, stiffen the sinews, etc., and it will re- quire, then, as much skill for the tailor to col- lect that bill, as it does for you to raise the wind in sufficiency. Answers for the Anrions. Quincy Tavtox.—Keep on like this, and you'll win, before you knowit, the proud position on the lofty heights of tragic fame, which are suggested as being among the possibilities of your future. Your article on the «Delights of Study” isa very fine one. It is interesting, dignified and instruct also moral. But in sending it to us, you overlooked one important element of the sititation,. PUCK is a humorous paper. And so, though your contribation would no doubt shine brilliantly in the pages of the Siew. tifte Monthly, or the Nineteenth Century, ox the Omaha Herald, we are obliged to decline it, along with some highly artistic papers on * Infiltration a¥ a Disinfectant,” «« Hydrostatics in their Relations to the Malthusian ‘The- ory,” “The Imponderability of Asparagus ‘Tips,"”’ and others, comicbooks.com