Puck — June 1877 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A JUNE “IDYLL. STOOD perspiring there that day (A melting day in sultry June), I watched the monkey drill and play, [listened to the organ's tune— Things to my youthful heart most dear; Yet on that day they charmed'me not. My heart was chilled by some vague fear, “Although the weather was so hot. My heart, unused to worldly guile, ‘Then lured me on—I walked two miles: T thought that, sitting on the stile, My Nell would greet me with glad smiles, T trudged right happily along; My soul was cheered, by love inspired I fain would praise her charms in song; I planned, I panted and perspired. ‘The dust rolled thick beneath my fect, Red hung the blazing sun above; T hastened on, intent to greet With eager outstretched arms my love. Alas! how soon ambition dies Beneath a summer's burning sun; Dust drifted sorely in my eyes, My linen duster came undone. And streaked was my grimy face, And red and sore my sunburnt neck, While limp my collar hung in place, And held a dickey's wretched wreck ; In desperation sheer I ran ‘The last, the longest, hottest mile, And found an older, moustached man With my loved Nelly on the stile, . . ‘That day I cried and homeward ran; ‘To-day I sit, and think, and smile Because my rival—poor young man— Was sunstruck sitting on the stile. Moy Lavyr. SCHLIEMANN AS AN EXCAVATOR. € diggist, in the Troad and in the other locations of encrusted stig Not to let Science get HE scientific world has for some time viewed with much interest the researches of Dr, Schliemann, the eminent Teutonic the inside track of him, Puck has, with charac- teristic enterprise, interviewed the worthy Doc- | A reporter was | tor on the scene of his labors. dispatched by ieiephone yesterday, and his re- port is just at hand. ‘The Doctor was found on the site of ancient ‘Troy, seated on the capital of a broken pillar. As the reporter arrived he was just finishing his luncheon, which consisted of a Schooner of lager and a Pumpernickel sandwich of Schweit- zer-Kase, the latter being wrapped up in a copy of the Staats-Zeitung. “Dot beer don’t cost me no more for a schkonner ash it vould for a seidel,” remarked the Doctor, who spoke with a strong German accent. ‘I got him bei dot little Keller arount der corner, shoost vere Cassandra’s boarding- house used to vas. Dey scharge you fifty cents | a schkooner, and gif you a free lunch. You go rount und get some yourself; dey von’t scharge you no more.” ‘The reporter was rather startled at this illus- tration of the ancient Trojan ideas of hospi- tality; he declined the invitation, and plunged at once into the ‘subject near to his heart. “You have made very extensive excavations, | have you not, Doctor?” he inquired. “Yas, I dig dings bretty moch oop,” re- sponded the scientist, gazing at the plains be- fore him, which looked like a Colorado potato- field after a bad spell of bugs. PUCK. “With what object do you make these re- | searches ?” went on Pucx’s representative. | "« Mita bick-axe,” said Dr. Schliemann, ‘und | sometimes I schrape mit my finger-nails.” Here the Doctor held up his hands, by way | | of confirmation of his statement, ‘The reporter had previously felt a little incredulous, but now | he was driven to wondering that there was any- thing of Troy left. i “You have doubtless made many interesting discoveries?” he continued. “I kess I turn die domestic economy von | der Troas insite oud, vasn’t it?” modestly re- | plied his interlocutor. |” “'Then you are prepared to throw some light | on the social system of the Trojans?” was the next inquiry. “Shoost look mit dat,” and Dr. Schliemann held up in his hand a long cylinder, closed at one end, and rimmed with a broad flange at the other; ‘dot vos Eneas’s silk hat vot he vent to schurch mit on Soondays, und bei die funerals ven his frients vos dead. Look, in dies place ran Gassius’ tagger troo; see vot a dent der enfious Gasca mate- oh, I get him mixed oop mit some oder feller. Nefer you mint; dot’s his hat, all der same.” “And are these also silk hats ?”” queried our indefatigable representative, pointing to a pile of tubes somewhat similar in appearance. The Doctor's eye lighted up with the rapture of an enthusiastic votary of science. “No, sir,” he said, ‘dem isnot hats. It ish from dem tings dere dat I haf been enapled to fix mit certainty die exact season ven die sack | of Troy dook blace.” “ How ?” said the reporter. “ Tt was in die Schpring,” responded the Doc- | | tor, “und I settle dot shoost dis way. I findt in a brivate house a sgeleton mit soospenders, buried unter a pile von dem tings, und a sgele- | ton mit a boostle on sittin’ oop mit a step-lad- | der, like it vos sayin’. ‘Now you don’t do it no vays at all, don’t it?’ Und den I know dot vos her hoosbant, und she vos his wife, und dem vos shtovebibes. Und der Mann vos shoost | a pudding them up ven der gataglysm came.” Such were the revelations of science. The reporter picked up a bit of stone, in- } scribed with Roman letters. | Dot vos von of dem oracles,” Dr. Schlie- | man remarked, wiping a little beer-foam off his | moustache. ‘The characters were all but effaced, but the reporter managed to trace the following: RE..PA. .S0B:..E.H. TSIK..CU:...P.: | | The reporter had enjoyed, in his youth, a lib- | eral education, including classic languages and | the use of the globes, with fuel and stationery | as extras, but thiswas somewhat too abstruse for him, and he gave it up. Other inscriptions, however, were in a better state of preservation. Among these were the police-court records of the city, from which our representative has made the following extracts, which are interest- ing as showing the Trojan mode of administer- | ing justice: Dies IV. ante Kalendas Graecas: Laocoon, the’ priest, is accused by Tiltos Onios of causing disturbance in the. family of the latter. Laocoon denies the accusation, and is discharged on his own recognizance. | Dies V. Calchas Antipater Danaos, author of the books of thé Helios, apprehended for | alleging that Laocoon’s release was procured | through the influence of, his congregation: | Danios disemboweled and sent to prison for | life. Dies VI. O. Rilios, a plebeian, arrested for | calling Priam an ould Mormon. Impaled, by way of an example to blasphemers. Dies VI. Eliza, 4gth wife of H. RN. Priam, divorced. Sues for alimony, and is ordered to be torn to pieces by wild horses. Dies Vill, Paris, drunk and disorderly; locked up. Pleads matrimonial infelicity, and says his wife, Helen, hit him on the head witha broom. Discharged. Dies 1X, E\lios Perkinsios taken in charge for shameless mendacity. Put in the stocks. Dies X. Yonesios, a peripatetic, for impor- tuning Hector to purchase a lightning-rod; dis- membered, soaked in kerosene-oil, burned, im- paled on one of his own rods, and held up to public execration. With a sigh for the degeneracy of these modern days, Puck’s ambassador finished study- ing a page of these valuable registers, which | were written in Latin, the Court language of ‘Troy, and asked the Doctor to show him a few of the recently discovered relics. The great ex- cavator obligingly complied with this request, and exhibited the fruits of his labors. Puck’s reporter made a list of some of the more nota- ble articles, as follows: Pygmalion’s tooth-brush—in a fine state o preservation; very little used. b Cassandra’s brogans; No. Nines; worn at the heel. Broomstick used by Creusa; badly damaged; (this fact probably explains why Eneas man- aged to lose her in his flight.) Hairpins used in Priam’s household; nearly half a ton, Bloody shirt swung by one of the ‘Trojan fac- tions; very bad state of preservation; scarcely holding together. Plate of ice-cream used at a Trojan church- fair; visible only under a microscope. Certificate of citizenship, supposed to have belonged to Achates; inscription worn off, all except the following mystic letters: gtudsoutos Thanking the genial Doctor for his courtesy, our representative then withdrew. Ashe turned the corner, he heard his late companion remark abstractedly to a native attendant: “Shakey, you vos rup dem trade-marix off | dot box of dings von London, don’t it ?” Jakey’s voice was heard to reply in the affirm- ative. “Denn you: shoost go dig again, uf you blease.” From this we feel authorized to state that the excavations in the Troad are being pressed for- ward with the utmost vigor. FRENCH ETIQUETTE. e ‘ q A POLITESSE FRANCAISE, lately |< published in Paris, has been giving us =" some lessons in etiquette. We are al- ways willing to learn; but we find that we have forgotten more etiquette than ever La Politesse Francaise knew. It says a peasant is insulted if you give him your gloved hand to shake. We never give a peasant our hand at all, but the toe of our boot, if he doesn’t be- have himself. Further—The gloves must be kept on when you shake hands with a lady "— and the hat, too, he should have added. ‘‘ One | mustn’t squeeze a lady's hand when dancing with her.” We never do; we prefer the waist. “ Un veritable gentleman must spend $3500 on gloves.” This is about $1500 dollars less than it costs us. The sumnamed by La Folitesse Francaise wouldn't pay our bootblack. “Do not eat or smoke a pipe in the street when you're walking with a lady’’—true, but other important points are forgotten: for instance, not to shave, comb your hair, clean your teeth, put ona clean shirt, or go to bed in the strect —particularly if you are walking with a lady.