Puck — June 1877 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

and the dignity of the individual asserts itself more fully, indiscriminate hand-shak- ing will come to be looked on as a barbarous custom, analagous to that practiced by certain savage tribes when they rub noses. This may be true. Or it may not. It doesn’t much matter which. ‘Those, however, who consider the aboli- tion of the ceremony a consummation devoutly to be wished, may take consolation in the thought that, if anything is particularly calcu- lated to bring about its downfall, the Presiden- tial hand-shaking humbug is that very thing. Could anything be more absurd - more ful- some—more fatuous ? And then the cruelty of it! Fancy condemning a harmless old gentleman to a physical ordeal in comparison with which an hour or two on the treadmill must be light- somerease! And for what ? ‘Apparentlyas a solemn sacrifice to the absurd fiction of universal equality. Men are not all equal. + Never were. And, perhaps, never will be. ‘The roughest mechanic who falls in line to shake hands with the President may be the bet- ter man of the two, But if he is, he has got to show it. And show it in some way the world can ap- preciate. Else he has no business to assert superiority, or equality, either. We must have recognized standards. We cannot take every man’s account of him- self, and must fall back on that given by his neighbors. F But to return to the hand-shaking business. It is one of those customs easier to commence than to leave off. This great nation deputes a chief magistrate to conduct its public affairs. ‘There is one ceremony he cannot perform. He cannot shake hands with himself. Why not, then, depute another—call him Deputy Great Fist Gripper-in-Chief—to per- form the rite on behalf of the nation? Be silent, ye objectors to the effete titles of aristocracy and the multiplication of offices. If ye do not do it now, it will do itself, in time. a ie be has beer. said that, as society progresses Gripper-in-Chief, in his gorgeous official cos- tume, we shall behold, after the ceremony by the President of shaking the hand of the nation, as represented by its D. G. F. G.-in-C.—a grave and learned-looking figure step forward—the Court Physician to the Maison Blanche, Grand Commander of the Order of Maria Pedes- trina, etc., etc., etc. The ceremony of applying the bandages will then be performed, in commemoration of an ancient practice (considered by some to be fa- bulous), which necessitated the application of cold lotions and bandages to the arm of the President, after he had gone through the hercu- lean task of shaking hands with all who came for the space of many hours. There was an arrant old humbug once (it was not George Francis Train) who objected to hand-shaking. He had been an amateur diplomatist, and by his consummate cheek had tricked even the astute Lord Palmerston into allowing him to undertake some subordinate mission to the Sublime Porte. The jaunty premier, however, soon saw. through him, and dropped him like a hot po- tato. Determined to enjoy prominence at any. price, he looked around for some person or HE, HAND-SHAKING FARCE. | ers.” PUCK, persons easily open to being humbugged, and naturally chose ‘‘ the workingman.”” He also started a periodical (indeed I don’t speak of George Francis—vixere fortes ante Agamemnon), devoted to the subjects of Eng- land’s Policy in the East and “‘ Hand-shaking.”” The fact was, he found it a bore shakin; hands with all his new protegés, and addr: them thus: “ Workingmen of England!’ you have been too long tricked by heartless syco- phants, who shake you by the hand while you can be of service to them, and scorn your ingenuous overtures of familiarity when they need you no longer. See here a man who re- fuses to degrade you by shaking hands with you at all!” Sly old fox, wasn’t he? A leaf out of his book might be worth taking, nevertheless. It would be, at least, a civil man- ner of putting a stop to an intolerable nui- sance. However, as I am not going into nomination for the Presidentship next term, the matter may rest for the present. Ta, ta. Shake hands. N.O.E. | ON MAKING WAR-MAP PUNS. em ah you carefully exclude from your columns all © puns on the Russo-Turkish war. Such puns are stale, flat and unprofitable, and mere child’s-play to construct. Take Kars, for in- stance. How easy to couple puns to Kars— when you are in the right train of thought. The word itself suggests raillery, or rather rail- roadery; but my motive for “ braking” into this subject is not a locomotive, and before you signal me to “‘ switch off,” I wish to tender the remark that the several thousand puns already perpetrated on Kars are extremely sill-y, and their somnolent tendency makes them only fit reading for persons who are.not sound “sleep- A recent newspaper war-map ‘located Kars on the summit of Mt. Ararat. How the feat was accomplished without an inclined rail- way up the mount and a stationary engine on top, is difficult to explain. To show the hollow mockery and utter emp- tiness of Eastern war-map puns, permit me to relate a conversation between two newspaper paragraphers, which I overheard the other even- | ing. And, in aditition to the Deputy Great Fist | in-Cl “Garsh!” exclaimed one, jabbing his pen througha seven-syllable town in Russia, “ Garsh! if an Eastern war-map, from top to bottom, isn’t as full of material for Koppu-tal puns as a New York Carnival is of imbecility!" “Yes,” returned the other Misrah-ble joker, “T acknowledge the Choran. I can see Sevin in one word; but it would Tekman—a Melichan man, as Ah Sin would say—a week to exhume them all, and he would be apt to Kotchkol-d while at his ‘Tortur-ous work.” “Gumgum man,” replied the first speaker, taking a Chewh of fine-cut, “you are Ingu rigible. I Nevakan quietly listen to such lin- gual as-Sass-i-nation. Bardess_ my puns were, yours are in the Van for diabolical atrocious- ness.” “T know there Erzeroum for improvement,” admitted his friend, ‘and you mustn't get Maadan-ough to punch a fellow’s head if I tell you that your pronunciation of Russian and Turkish nomenclature suggests a mouth full of Musch,”" “Oh, I Kor(t)akold while Coumien from the opera--not the Kankan—last night. 1 heard Mile. Saratow; but I don’t think Ersingen is as sweet as Nilsson’s; though, perhaps, more ‘mashed’ young men are Baskan in the sunlight of her smiles.” Well, in this blood-curdling manner these pun- AM gratified to see, my dear Puck, that | sters run on until my Hedakid, and I informed the twain, in as Koohla manner as I could as- sume, that as Kut’ais were their puns, I could no longer lend my Aidin encouraging such Or- fulich nonsense. And then I left. The American propensity for punning, by the way, is contagious—as witness the subse- quent. Early this spHO6 an American was traveling in the Oriental lands with a genuine Turk, who was returning from the Centennial. As they were nearing Constantinople, the American, who was addicted to slang, pointed to a city in the distance and observed, “That's a bully- looking place.” “Yes,” replied the Centennial Turk, with a knowing wink, “ that’s Stamboul-y.”” When the ‘Sultan was apprised of this out- tage on the language, the offending Turk was arrested and thrown into prison, and at the ex- piration of two weeks, was given his choice between being torn to pieces on the rack, or being banished .to America to write humorous paragraphs for the Chicago Zimes. “Allah save me!” exclaimed the unfortunate | punster, “I cannot disgrace my old father and mother; so bring on your rack!” Ww. BY OUR OWN HERALD. Called in. None in ours. Now plant peach-blossoms. Bricks are a kiln sort of diet. Agamemnon did not wear bibs. Clams are little neck or nothing. Time for Victoria Woodhull again. Grace Greenwood can light a fire in her ear. Charles Francis Adams comes in when it rains. When Whitelaw Reid breaks his suspenders, he gets another pair. Gail Hamilton is fighting for a prize.’ She wants to get a medillion. Geo. Francis Train can wink with his left ear. But he never does. Anxious inquirer: ‘‘ No, Aliunde is not Ital- ian for Zoe mou sas agapo.” * The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher is the author of many popular sayings. Queen Victoria blacks her own Knicker- bockers with ‘Bloom of Youth.”” Henry Clews would part his hair in the mid- dle, if he had any. We mean any hair. The report that Eli Perkins has been hanged by a western vigilance committee is premature. ‘There is no truth in the rumor that Alex. H. | Stephens took the prize at the Atlanta State Baby Show. ; Treat your refrigerator with tenderness and respect. But it is not necessary to confine it with a four-foot string. Never, under any circumstances, boil macca- roni in train oil; if you are reduced to ex- tremities, train it in boil oil. Cronin has paralysis of the right ear, The affected member has been braced up in a ver- tical position by means of a small derrick. Etiquette permits you to hold green corn in your fingers while you are eating it; but you ought not to retain the cob during the even- ing. R ‘The statement that Garfield has a brother by the name of Cyrus is now known to be er- roneous. It arose from the fact that his father was a Connecticut tobacco-planter, and owned a Cigar-field. A PrrtspurcH paper tells of a man who “wrestled for half-an-hour with a pig of iron, weighing 250 pounds.” This is a clear case of hog-collarer. comicbooks.com