Puck — May 1877 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

and desperate, and then I think that maybe, possibly, T am Strauss or Beethoven. But then, they composed music and I never can hear music without being discomposed. There are times when I feel more uncertain about everything than usual, and then I think perhaps I am Hamlet, or even his father’s ghost, but that’s altogether tooabsurd. Noone could ever think of Hamlet as secretary of an in- surance company, or of a live man as a ghost. I have read up in history until I have the names of all the famous men the world has ever known at my tongue’s end, and I try to put myself in the positions once filled by those men; but it won’t work, and so I am compelled “ think that I am just a common mortal after all. I like to eat and sleep and drink, and when I get a good cigar I sit down and have as soci- able a time with myself, whoever I am, as pos- sible, and I ask myself: Am I Ammi, or Ammi not Ammi? Am I Ammi or Ammi not? If I am not Ammi, why, who in the world Ammi? You see it's a sort of a conundrum, and I wish some one would be kind enough to solve it. I can’t. Amat Peak. MRS. HAYES. How wine her tender spirit riles, While water wreathes her face with smiles. THE NEW GOSPEL. Ou, young Ah Chung Foo is come out of the East, To convert us, when Moody and Sankey have ceased, He comes all unarmed, and he comes all alone, And save Colonel Olcott, he voucher has none. And his smile it is bland, but there float on the air Some remarks from a maiden in far Rochestair: Oh, what shall we do, Placid Ah Ching Foo, With a fellow like you, Coming teaching morality, out of the East? WE WOULD NOT BE A MINISTER. Noyes is preparing for the French mission, which a grateful country has conferred upon im. From early morn till dewy eve he per- ambulates his bedroom, with a French diction- nary in one hand, a copy of Ollendorf in the other, trying to get his tongue round such’ sen- tences as, “‘Aves-vous Parbre dis jardin que j'ai?” “Non, monsieur, nous n'avons pas tarbre du Jardin que vous aves; mais nous avons les bons defeated candidates gue vous n’aves pas." “Don- nes-moi silver-plate /e mustard.” “ Garcon, bring me a chandelle.” WHOM THE GODS LOVE. ‘Tue provincial paragraphist who died last | year sits cross-legged on a rainbow, cocks his crown of glory on one side of his head, and makes faces at us fellows down below. He is solid with the angels, and he has got a per- manent lien on Abraham’s bosom. He never said anything about Kate Claxton and the fire- fiend; he never asked if Boss Tweed’s con- fession confessed, he never made any jokes on the war in the East—never said that the report that the Russians were marching on Pulldown- yerwestowitch was incredible Erzeroum-or, or that the Czar ought t’Alick the Turk and Muzzl- ‘im. And to think that just sitting in a cold draught for half an hour saved that man from the temptation to which we are still daily ex- posed! Ben Butter is taking a survey of the politi- cal situation. He has gone around the corner to do it. “Tue Turkish fleet contains some rams of formidable power.”—Zxch. Yes, but do the ‘Turks know how to ewes them? ‘Tuey levied on the public property of the city of New Orleans some time ago to satisfy a judgment for gas-bills. But this is not the first instance on record of a creditor having a lien against a lamp-post. Avsany justice is peculiarly generous in its awards, A man was arraigned there the other day tor stealing achain. ‘The judge made him return it,and then gave him another one instead, with a ball on it. Ir would be enough to make any millionaire’s head grow bald by anticipation, if he could only look ahead and see how his heirs are bound to fall out after his death. Some scandalous details are being brought out in the Roe divorce suit at Newburgh. Here- after people may be pardoned for doubting the attractiveness of ‘‘ Love among the Roes-es.”” A cotoren artiste is playing Zopsy in “Uncle Tom's Cabin.” Nobody need be alarmed in case of fire at the theatre where she per- forms, as there is a negress always handy. Iron has advanced a quarter of a cent per pound. ‘The man whose physician recom- mended it to him as a tonic, says he can no longer afford the remedy. Te Spring signs, “Keep off the Grass,” have made their appearance in the parks. Puck classes them under the head of the ‘Latest Warn-yous.”” Tue chiropodists favorite delicacy—carves foot jelly. Anna Dickinson says she will not marry until she attains the highest success. And it is further interesting to know that her prospec- tive husband has just passed safely through the ordeal of cutting his first tooth. ‘Tue Washington Critic says: ‘ France’s debt is two and a quarter times as big Now, we know definitely the size of the Critic’s. wash-bill. ‘Tne. Minneapolis Zridune has this startling head-line: ‘Wanted, a Million.” If you haven’t got it about you, a quarter will do—or most anything. WHEN you hear a mother calling to her son, to “come here and shut the shutter,” and hear him respond, ‘‘it #s shut, mother, and I can’t shut it any shutter,” do you ever pause to ana- lyze the delicate beauties of our language ? We read that Mr. John Lick will receive $525,000 from his father's estate of three mil- lions, but we don’t think even that will atone for the sufferings his spirit will undergo, as he reads the thousand twists that will be made with his name before this item of news has stopped traveling around the country. Already we have declined eighty-three paragraphs, varying from “advice to licker up,” down to something about being ‘‘derelickt,” and we are just now in the act of destroying an item that reads, “We hope Mr. John Lick will not suck-gum to his feelings on hearing of his good fortune.” Can anything be worse than this? Tue New Doc Law.—A four-foot line or forfeit canine. Tittotson has leased Booth’s Theatre, and he is Rig’n old Henry V. up for another run. Tue Jardin Mabille is a jolly institution, but Paris has also a Bal Bullier than that. Campton, Ky., wants lawyers. Take’em all and call it Scampton. Tue Turks are said to live in Asi-attic a-base- ment. Ir the Secretary of the Interior is called Schurz, should not the Secretary of the Treasury be called chest-protector ? ‘TurkisH_bonds are low and Turkish capital is constant-inoplace. Tue rumor that the string-band on the People’s line of steamers has been engaged for the purpose of roping in passengers with their sweet chords, is a bass violin-sult. Tue latest war dispatches from Europe tell us that “Lights on the Bosphorus and Darda- nelles will be put out at night hereafter.” And now we shall hear of the Kurdish father of a family saying, ‘My dear--couldn’ pos’bly come: homowitz ‘ny shooner—nozzin’ mazzer, on’y down to see Tonsonowitch—play game billiards—min'jul’p—put out _lights—couldn’ see to get home —couldn’, my dearshky.”” “An inch of land is what two Portland men are having a lawsuit about.”—Phil, Evening Chronicle. They take an ‘ell of a lot of trouble about it. Pur away the little coral ‘That our darling used to had; Leoni pbeacnk will not need it. Jone where bones don’t grow in shad. ‘A MUSICAL youth serenaded His love, as the ancients in May did. But she'd moved on the first, And the new tenants cursed ‘The young man with a flate—that’s what ¢icy did. comicbooks.com