Puck — May 1877 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

TELEPHONOGRAMS. LATEST FROM THE SEAT OF WAR. FROM ‘ PUCK’S’ SPECIAL ARTIST-CORRESPONDENT. Evropean-Hopoken, IN Asta, Near Perroruntovski, On the Road to Gooutonabenderazid, 1AM. Intense excitement at my arrival. Com- batants have suspended hostilities to secure copies of Puck, Order a Russian edition of half-a-million at once, and a hundred thousand ‘Turkish, immediately, if not sooner. 1:30 A. M. I don't like the whiskey here, but must drink | something. It is bad in both camps. It is | evident that neither Power understands the | usages of civilized warfare. Send me a few barrels Robinson County—and “hang it up." | Let Henry Clay and Rosa Conc accompany the whiskey. I'm just tal other ¢ rink with General Nachimoff. 1:50 A. You'd better let—er—couple of dozen brandy accompany —er—the cigars. A—Avenue H—o— o—tel—er—company—er—the br—r r—n [Here communication suddenly _ ceased. Puck fears his correspondent must find diffi- culty in expressing himself through the tele- | phone, owing to the strange tongues spoken on | all sides of him.] 2PM. ‘This seat of war is a devil of place to sleep | in. ‘The inhabitants suffer much from pains in | the head. You'd better report that a battle and naval engagement have taken place, although I wasn’t on the spot to make sketches. ‘Ihe following are the particulars: Abdul-Aswaz | Pasha, with a corporal’s guard of Bashi-Bazouks, advanced on Moscow, his right wing resting on Harlem Flats and his left on Delaware Water Gap. Two Russian balloon Popoffkas, under the command of Mayor Hall, who mysteriously left London, and the lady with a wart under her left ear, encountered the onslaught of the ter- rible Turks, and succeeded in routing them with great laughter. All the killed are to be | buried in the mud on Tenth avenue, and the hors-de-combat have been purchased by the Third Avenue Railroad. ‘The Russians have fallen back on Nijni-Novgorod, and are con- templating a campaign against Sitting Bull. toga, and turned in, PUCK. My account of yesterday's engagement is not confirmed, but’ I guess it’s all right. I’m get- ting used to the whiskey, (I forgot to mention | that one Russian was killed.) It is now thought that the King of the Can- nibal Islands and the Man in the Moon will enter into a defensive and offensive alliance, to prevent the ‘Texas Pacific from getting a sub- sidy. I have the highest authority for explaining the true inwardness of the casus deli, A Rus- sian exhibitor at the Philadelphia Exhibition called a ‘Turkish waiter in the café “a d—d Irishman.” ‘The ‘Turk prodded him with a hookah. In spite of the efforts of Aristarchi Bey, the Czar said he wouldn't stand any sar- casm, nor would he shake hands over the bloody one, until he had taken Constantinople. ‘THE RUSSIAN CAMP. ‘The press is very strongly represented here. | One leading American funny man is succumb- ing to the terribly jawbi chiefly to efforts to pun. pinned out as follows: ‘ing names, owing His latest paroxysm ‘The Russians, to se- | cure Turkey, ought to wait for Thanksgiving, and then take Kars, Austria will then be Hungary, and Poland can say she War-saw from the beginning. He has just died in agony. Another desperate engagement has taken place, and everybody and everything have fallen back on a variety of places. ‘The left wing of the right rear of the ‘Turkish vanguard, New Jersey Central, has debouched in echelon, in Sections of four, on ‘Tompkins Square, registered their names at the Grand Union Hotel at Sara- ‘The North Polanderscon- sider this a menace to their freedom, defy any government to find them out, and have de- | manded a circular note, two pourparters and an unlimited number of protocols. The battle was one not to be forgotten in a hurry, ‘The grand Cham of ‘Tartary, at the head of his two hundred thousand Cossacks of the Don, mounted on bears, succeeded beyond a shadow of a doubt in driving the enemy into the middle of next week, A sharp fusilade of fire-crackers did not prevent the bears having it their own way, and sending Pacific Mail down five per cent. Only one Russian was killed, and if he hadn’t been, he'd have died of old age ten minutes af- terwards. Brigham Young has entered into an alliance with the Sultan, and has established his harem | in front of Kars on the road leading to Omaha | and Key West. ‘The ‘Turkish and Mormon women are already comparing notes. Anna Dickinson has been requested to take charge of all the ladies. Great excitemant in conse- quence. VERY LATEST INTELLIGENCE. ‘The whole population of ‘Turkey has ad- vanced in a very strong column, owing to the passage of the Omnibus-bill at Albany, and have routed the Russians who were under the com- mand of Viadimir Danicheff and Osip. Sara Jewett was taken prisoner and is to be sold at the slave-market at Constantinople to the highest bidder. ‘There are but a dozen ‘Turks left alive, so they'll have to start the, business of government again. But one Russian was killed, and even he is said to have died of joy at the success of the army. ‘The Czar is quite pleased. SAYINGS AND DOINGS. STAHERE is quite enough to chronicle this eh. week. Un embarras de richesses. ‘The <* veriest newspaper padder mustn't com- plain of want of subjects like the Czar, who goes to war in order to get some of ‘Turkey's. The war news is puzzling to the initiated, and intirely incomprehensible to the unini- tiated. ‘There has been no fighting worth talk- ing about, and the inhabitants of certain cities which have been bombarded by the ‘Turkish fleet, and in which not one stone has been left on another, are very much surprised to learn these startling facts from New York, as they know nothing about it themselves. ‘The Rus- sian motto is festina dente; but there will soon be slaughter galore to please the most fastidious. The millenium has not yet come, but Mr. Wong Chin Foo has, who criticises unfavorably English and American missionaries, the Chris- tian religion, and our glorious Republic itself. Look not for virtue in any so-called civilized country; the Buddhist is the man who has the exclusive monopoly of this desirable commodity. ‘The lunatic imagines everybody else to be mad, and so we imagined the Chinese to be but half- civilized. All a mistake, the boot is on the other leg; we are really the outer barbarians, and those jolly almond-eyed celestials are the models of refinement, intellect and goodness. When we make a practice of infanticide, wear pig-tails, wash ourselves once a month, use no bad language, we may then, perhaps, be con- sidered their equals, but not till then, or until the truth of the Tweed statement is proven. Everything regarding this business is in such a glorious state of muddle, that no outsider can tell who “did,” and who “didn’t,” any more than we shall know who “is,” and who “isn’t,” in the Custom-house investigation, by the time they get through. There are only, in the weigher’s department, a hundred and seven more men than are wanted. I have often won- dered where the work was for them, Post-offices are not arranged much better, for their roofs fall in, and workmen get flat cheaper and sooner than in any of the up-town apartment-houses. ‘Talking of flats, I think the Oregon Legis- lature is pretty fairly furnished in this respect. Every man in the State who wants to drink liquor must pay five dollars for a license, and always show his ticket to the saloon-keeper. Just conceive for a moment the possible com- plications, Grover may pretend to be a tem- perance man and borrow Cronin’s ticket, and if it has his photograph on it, can redden his nose when he wants a drink; but the fraud and deceit consequent on the passage of the mea- sure will demoralize the youth of the State. Pan. ‘THe papers comment upon the marriage, at a recent seance, of a man to a spirit-bride; but many a bride in the flesh has married a spirit- uous husband, and nobody has taken the trouble to dwell upon the fact. THE Tribune says: There is a general dis- position to salute the new Whig party with a kick. ‘This ‘‘kick the Whig” is a feeble attempt to get up an improvement on “‘shoot the hat.”