Puck — May 1877 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. Ee submit to the same gracious lady a more gen- eral code for the country at large, to include: The deposition of all collectors of ports; the omission from our histories of the battle of Brandywine; the elimination of Arince Paul from ‘ La Grande Duchesse” — because he ad- mits that he is fond of his Grog; the abolition of the conductor's punch, the cotton gin, and of all half-and-half measures; with special sec- tions providing that toasts cannot be drunk, type ‘set up,” ladies be indulged with black, brown, or green seal, or be permitted to enjoy shoppin’; railroads be elevated, storms brew- ing, or babies brought up on the bottle. And Puck would have it thoroughly under- stood that nothing in the foregoing shall debar him from any little pleasure, from when at early dawn he becomes an eye-opener, until the mid- night bell warns him, 'tis time to look for his nightcap. Purkerings. ‘Tue King of Siam signs himself “Chu Long Korn.” It is better, however, in the shape of succotash. OF course; no sooner does the news of the trouble in the French ministry reach us, than some funny contributor has got to observe, “Simon says out!” ‘Tue Philadelphia papers are advocating the introduction of “ the needle in public schools.” Sew pressing the needle grow that the agi- tation will begin to assume threadening propor- tions. Tue Evening Telegram says Count Andrassy looks more like a brigand than any other Euro- pean statesman - even although he’s a Count and dressy to boot. Ir is an assurance of success to find a horse- shoe just as you are about to begin an impor- tant undertaking; but if you find two, it makes horseshoerance doubly sure. ‘Tue metallurgist. of an exchange says: “American copper is entirely free from iron and stronger.” We don’t object to having our copper free from iron; but when it comes to knocking out the stronger, we weaken on Amer- ican enterprise. Ir makes a man mad and his wife madder, when he wakes up in the early morn and finds he’s gone to bed in his boots and stove-pipe hat, and recollects that it was a lodge meeting that made him forget to divest himself of these articles. ‘Te new style has come back again with the heat of summer; and, as we look at our head- gear, we sigh and feel that science, with all her progress, has not yet taught us how to dye a black hat white. AN exchange says that Colonel Robert Inger- soll received for a legal fee a one-third interest in a locomotive, but it was taken out of the country by divers creditors. ‘Then it must have been a sub-marine engine. Can't he en- gine them? Apropos of the Carnival fizzle, Long Branch | has beaten New York out-and-out. Its wrecks slid comfortably up on the beach three months ago—without any grand flourish of trumpets, either—and have remained there ever since. Our ‘ Rex ” landed at the Battery and was rele- gated the same evening to the obscurity from which he ought never to have emerged. | We learn. with much, satisfaction that the. Reading police are instructed to stop the use of toy pistols; and now if those who can and can’t read and write would stop the reckless use of their locusts, we should feel still happier. Counterfeit antimony-lead and tin, half-dol- lars circulate in Eureka, Nevada. In this be- nighted region slang is at a discount. If a new- comer playfully asks for “tin,” he is sure to get what is anti-money. AN exchange tells us that “a red wolf has been shot in Lehigh the first in seventy years.” Has Lehigh received a shot in seventy years— or has the first year shot a red wolf in seventy —or which first red wolf was it of the Lehigh seventy years shot—or has the red wolf been shot for seventy years in Lehigh—or did Lehigh shoot the seventy years in the red wolf? Twat fast young gentleman, Deuceace De Coursey, after having been cleaned out at “red and black,” was advised to go to Tur- key and join the Bashi-Bazouks. He refused, however, on the ground that he had had suffi- cient of the rouge et noir. “Mr. Livermore,” said Miss Eunice Smith to the gentleman who had been looking at her sweet fingers while she had been performing on the piano, “ Doyou know what I Rave just been playing?” Mr. Livermore didn't know, but he didn’t want to confess it; so he merely drawled: “ Oh—ah—yes; wasn’t it something from‘ Rob- ert Macaire’?” Miss Smith didn’t answer; she changed the subject and asked him when he thought the next carnival would come round. An exchange says:—It is said that Mr. Caleb Cushing's great delight is to go fishing; further- more, that work is his idol, his rest, change of work. ‘This is the reason he went to Spain for Spanish mackerel. His idol is work, his rest change of “idol”; our “idle” is doke far niente, and that sort of work is our idol. * Pass it round,” said one boy to another as he hit him a whack over the ear, in the expec- tation that he would deliver the same to his neighbor. But the boy that was whacked wouldn't pass, and for seven minutes afterwards two promising young men were seen rolling in the same gutter trying to bite each other's noses off, and when their mothers came to pick them up, they looked so much alike in their distress it was hard to tell which was which, and for alt we know, each of the mothers thrashed the other's son. FITZNOODLE IN NEW YORK. IX, CARNIVAL. Ya-as, my exper- wiences in this countwy are gwow- ing more doosidly widiculous than ever, and I was wather wuffled, and almost in a wage, because some fel- laws persuaded me to witness an ar- wangement called a Carnival. You musn’t imagine I’m such an a-ass as not to have wead about these things. I wemember there is a carnival of Venice. By, Jove, I have a stwong impwession that’s a piece of instwumental music, because I wecol- lect a forweign fellaw scwaping it out on a fiddle, and, ha! ha!—he'd make vewy cuwious noises like the bwaying of donkeys and the cwowin, of hens of the wougher sex.’ Amerwicans call them “‘ woosters,"’ I believe, because they woost. Amerwicans often call fellaws woosters. I think it vewy bad form to compare wespectable human beings with the manners and customs of poultwy. Jack Carnegie said that there couldn't be a carnival in this month, for there was only one pwoper time of year for it, and then he made some wemarks about Lent, which I can’t wecall to mind, but Jack isn’t always wight, although evewy fellaw says he's well wead. Be- sides he must be wong this time, for there was a Carnival, for I saw the pwocession myself, and it did take place in this month unless my bwain is turned or I've lost my weckoning. ‘There's a paper pwinted in New York called the Herwald. 1 warely wead papers at home, though I take in the Morning Post and Bells Life, and pewuse when I stwoll in Pad/ Mail and look in at my clubs some of the advertise- ments in the Zimes for wecweation, Well, the Herwald told a fellaw what woute the pwoces- sion would take, and that a fellaw named “Wex”” would land at a place called the Batterwy. I hear it i8 called a batterwy because it used to be a cwicket gwound in the time of Alfwed the Gweat, and fellaws used to bat there; but now Amerwicans don't play cwicket. | “Wex” means “King.” I do wecollect that in my Latin gwammar, although how a wepublic with a Pwesident can allow a carnival to have a King, is incompwehensible. I’m afwaid I shall never understand the weason. Wex landed fwom a steamer, and severwal fellaws told me that he wesided on an island a few miles down the wiver and was a bwewer. He had on a cwown and wobes. What an egwegwious a-ass I should look in such things— but any fellaw who could be a “ Wex"’ at a car- nival must be a blasted idiot, yer know. ‘‘ Wex” got up on a thwone placed in a chawiot and dwawn by rather pwetty nags, and then the pwocession moved up Bwoadway Stweet. I thought I should see the sort of demonstwation a fellaw sees on Lord Mayor’s day; but, as I have before wemarked, Amerwicans never can do anything pwoperly—I mean in London style. ‘There was only along twain of dways, carts, wagons and vans—the pwoperty of fellaws. in all sorts of beastly twades—wine and spiwit dealers, dwy-champagne sellers, soap-makers, with sign-boards in wed, gween and other cols. ors on the vehicles, which looked like the car- wavans of Wombwell’s Twaveling Menagerwie in a countwy town. Jack said it was al! an “advertising dodge.” I can’t understand why fellaws pwint in papers and other places what they have to sell. I never wead these things; but go to my taildr or bootmaker, and other twadesmen, when I want anything new, or these twades fellaws come to me. I felt horwibly bawed. In the evening I was at a club on Fifth Avenue, and there was another widiculous pwocession. ‘There was a lot of wed fire, flarwing up occasionally, and a host of gwoups on twiumphal cars on wheels, and vawious sorts of fellaws and other cwea- tures, dwessed up in a most outwageous manner. Jack said they were gwea: something-or-others in Amerwican histowy. ‘I don't wonder Amer- wicans are glad to be wepublicans—if such wetched things took place under Bwitish wule— but I don’t cwedit it, it can’t be twue. ‘There were alot of Indian fellaws thwowing tea-chests overboard from a small ship—a vewy gweat waste of tea—and some absurdly dwessed in- dividuals pwetending to dwink champagne, and fellaws behind some twunks shooting with wifles, and that ‘‘ Wex” again, who must be a dufferand a muff. I got quite dwowsy and fell asleep in my chair, and when some fellaw awoused me, I took some more bwandy and soda, and went with Jack to our wooms at the Bwevoort.