Puck — May 1877 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

7s PUCK, “PUCK”, No. 13 North William Street, New York. FOR SALE BY. ALL NEWS DEALERS. Terus To Suascriers. One Copy one year, or 52 numbers. One Copy, six months, or 26 numbers. (One Copy for thirteen weeks... Postace " Nottee to Authors and Artists. Uterary and artistic contributions are solicited. Address all manu- scripts and sketches t0 Editor * Puck”, 13 North Witham Se, New York. PUCK’S CARTOONS. THE GREAT AMERICAN DAUBER. Mythological Phzton obtained the guidance of the Chariot of the Sun for one day and set the world on fire. Brilliant Dana has di- rected the course of the Sw for a considerable period without succeeding in setting the world, North River or anything else on fire, but only in showing to what length a disappointed office- seeker can go, and in weakening the character of his journal for fairness, The Sun no longer shines for all; its effulgence is dimmed and clouded by mud laid on its surface so savagely by its editor. Dana may become in time the great American artist, although at present even as a dauber he is not a success. HAMLET. Nearly a quarter of a century has elapsed since Hamlet John Bull flew to arms to bolster up the corrupt Turkish empire and foil the Russian in his intended appropriation of the territory of the Ottomans. Ophelia Turke: was happy. Supplied by Bull Haméet with al the money she wanted, she was given rope enough and has almost succeeded in asphyxia- ting herself. History repeats itself with a ven- geance, and now Russia commences “ the same old thing,” and wars on Turkey. amdet Bull hesitates this time; his money is-no longer safe. Shall he give the black-eyed and cunning Bul-bul, the light of the harem, any assistance in whipping the greedy :Muscovite? Are his interests threatened? Europe awaits the decision with anxiety. © Tuar last sonnet of Alfred Tennyson’s was an inferior production, and it cannot be denied. But it was all Mrs. T.’s fault. As we have several times remarked to her, it is absolutely have some respite from domestic cares. She ought not to have made him help shake the carpets this spring. ‘That's what upset him. Ans. to correspondents. There are at pre- sent thirteen men in the Cabinet: six without Schurz and seven with. One stray Western grasshopper wandered out this way lately and struck a Boston suburban bean-patch. When he got through, he lay quietly down, repented of his misdeeds, reada chapter of Emerson, and with a Boston girl smoothing his forehead, he passed calmly away into oblivion. Tue sweet May breezes bring dreams of peace To the sorrow-laden breast: The troubles and cares of the spirit cease, ‘And the weary heart is at rest. And the happiest man beneath the sun, On Earth's broad green bosom fair, Is that philanthropic son-of-a-gun, ‘The jovial baggage-smashare. For he thinks of the summer months that beguile The New Yorker to rustic hash; And the myriads of trunks in professional style He will jerk to eternal smash, a necessary to the old man’s health that he should | TELEPHONOGRAMS. LATEST FROM THE SEAT OF WAR. FROM PUCK'S SPECIAL ARTIST-CORRESPONDENT. Russian Camp. General Bristlewhistleichewski has just given an elegant cold collation of tallow candles. ‘Tallow has risen in consequence. I’m now lying off until fighting begins in earnest. The Barrelowhiskey Bungstarter, the organ of the Siberian-Czechs, says, that the report that the New York /era/d is to ally itself with Rus- sia is not confirmed. At noon to-day Russia declared war against England, Ireland, Scotland and America, Half-an-hour afterwards. London has fallen without firing a shot, and the Russian flag now floats over St. Paul's. Oakey Hall has been appointed Viceroy of Eng- land by the Czar. All the population of Great Britain have been knouted and sent by Erie Railroad to Siberia. This is said ta be knoughty, but not nice. The Turks have captured St. Petersburgh, in spite of the heroic defense of the Hera/d. ‘The seat of the Sultan’s government will be removed from Constantinople within the next few mi- nutes. The last four dispatches need confirmation. Intense excitement at the arrival of an Ame- rican schooner. General Ignatieff has just bought by telephone the Brooklyn Bridge for throwing across the Black Sea, in order that the Danicheffs may cross over to Madagascar and Blackwell’s Island in good time and in several hundred places at once. The bridge piers and everything are to be shipped intact in the hold of the most seaworthy miniature yacht on the Lake of Central Park, who will take the Aquarium route. A Kalamazoo dispatch to the North Smith- ville Zade/ says that the capture of. Holland by the Dutch and the rising of the Lager Beer Brewers, who sat upon the Police Com- missioners and told the milkman to call again, are officially announced. ‘Two scows have left Nova Zembla for Bellevue Hospital to obtain arms and legs for the advanced blackguards of the grand Lama's Lord High Admiral’s Bosjesmans, The Oficial Dmdir sends the following ad- ditional particulars as to the success of the Ujijians in their patriotic shindy at Donny- brook and on the Boulevards. They were knocked into cocked hats, and entirely ruined ‘The Stanleyarner’s special from Astoria states that the Grasshoppers have decided on a green uniform for the summer campaign. This reso- lution is denounced in Batoum military circles, who in common with the Patagonian Bulldozers have resolved to issue fried oysters as rations, and shut down on pork and beans. “Rex,” [have just heard, likes the fun of being king so much that he is entertaining a propo- sition for the rulership of Turkey. He's refused Egypt, because he couldn't reign there. ‘The Czar has published a card. a copy. I send you LATEST. Everybody and everything, Russians and Turks, are in a state of coma. N.B.—This is not in the United States. WINE NOT? ss. as Pp UCK, with native gallantry, hastens to [3 espouse the holy crusade (that is to say ” the Santa Crusade) which the worthy wife of our President has commenced against the introduction of intoxicating liquors into the Executive Mansion, and, hat in hand, (new spring style, nine dollars,) respectfully offers the following suggestions: “No music shall be played or studied by any occupant of the mansion, as it would necessi- tate a familiarity with ‘ bars.’ [This, however, is not to be construed as a sort of gin sling at Mr. Evarts’ practice at the bar.) “ Should a band of music be required at any banquet, the leader will see that the ‘horns’ are excluded. “ Certain vegetables must be prohibited at table. For instance, it would have a bad effect to hear the children asking for pa’s nips. Nei- ther should porter-house steaks be indulged in. “The children should be strictly enjoined from accepting presents of toys, for fear they might be induced to ‘ take a ball.’ “The colored servants should not be per- mitted to perform their jigs and breakdowns—a breakdown being akin to a ‘ smash.’ “The laundress must not hang out less than four pieces of bed linen—this will prevent her from getting three sheets in the wind. “« Any messenger may enter the mansion, but no porter; and servants should be discharged after they get stout. ‘All packages intended for the White House should be tied up with colored cord - white twine not being admitted. “ Spoons should not be used, as they are al- ways in their cups; and but one mirror should be allowed to each room, two being a glass too much. “ Levees with coffee and lemonade may be held as often as desired; but there should be no cordial receptions. “The press should be received always kindly, excepting alone the wine-press.”” ‘These are all courteously submitted to the aforementioned lady, whose efforts to so change (may we not say sauterne ?) the course of things —the dinner course, especially—has provoked so much comment; and should they prove ef- the business of Knox. fective, Puck gives notice that he intends to comichooks.