Puck — January 23, 1889 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE FUTILE STRUGGLE. eRe 1s no struggle in this world greater than that of a fat man trying to get thin, or a thin man trying to gain flesh. ‘he fat man exercises, and takes Russian baths to pull himself down; and when he stops for a week, he is stouter than ever, The thin man furnishes himself with farinaceous food, and does n’t gain an ounce, He also abandons the luxury of tobacco, without the desired result. He takes Turkish baths that the reaction may build him up; but he has to give this practice up for lack of physique. ‘The fat man diets for a month and loses a pound ; but by this time he feels so weak that he can not help indulging in two or three days’ high living. At the end of the third day he is about two pounds heavier than when he began fasting. In the morning, he takes a pair of six-pound bells and whirls them about for fifteen seconds, and believes he has been using them for five minutes. Then he works on a rowing machine for awhile, which gives him an appetite for breakfast that puts more on him than the exercise has taken off. He reads all sorts of articles, and follows all sorts of rules on the reduction of flesh; but he can no more grow thin than the thin man can grow fat. ‘When the fat man and the thin man meet, they envy each other. “Oh, if [only had forty pounds of your flesh!” says the thin man, who looks like a pair of shears, “How happy I'd be with about half your thin- ness!” replies the fat man, who loses his wind looking at the thin man, The city fat man would walk twenty miles a day, he says, if he only lived in the country. He would wander down shady byways in the fresh open air, and revel in the beauty of his surroundings. He can’t walk in the city, because it is so noisy and monotonous, and the streets are so crowded; and there is nothing to see, any how. The country fat man says he would walk twenty miles a day if he only lived in the city. He would live in Harlem, and walk downtown and back every day and never take a car. He would also walk after dinner; because he could walk alone, and yet enjoy a sense of society and companionship on the sidewalks that are always in good condition. He could look at pictures and other interesting objects in shop windows, and if he became weary he could board a car. But the country! He can not walk there without walking alone and going crazy. If he goes out at night, he is likely to trip and drive himself head-first into a ditch; and even in day-light he is apt to go into the mud to his whiskers, because there are no walks. So the city man docs n’t_ walk because he does n't live in the coun try, and the country man does n't walk because he docs n't live in the city. And so they continue, in spite of all their theories and practice, to grow fat gracefully. RK Me He LAY oF THE LAND —The Star Spangled Banner. Stuck in the Ice, Struck by a Squall, AT SEA ON THE ICE. Getting Under Way. HE WAS STILL A MAN. Howett Ginson (40 Neepy Ixpiviouat who has asked for relief ).—1 cahn’t give you any money, me good fella; but if you call at me side- door to-night you can have some old clothes. Neepy Ivoivipvat.— What d’ yer take me for, Mister? I’ve fallen pretty low, I know; but I ain’t no second-hand dude! sab case of absence of mind in one so young — The juvenile “TL won't.” He MAN who tries to lead a double life generally ends it by taking his single one, Grevents oF syTHotocy should have discovered long ere this, that the ancient Proteus is only an allegorical impersonation of “the joke that goes the rounds of the press.”” appy 1s the nation which has no history, and happy is the day that has_no “Extra” newspapers. Crime alone awakes the multitude’s curiosity. st to keep ‘‘Adam’s apple” out of sight that the clergy wear such close high collars? “spor,” ELEAzER, is a man whose object in life is to take all the sport out of a sport by mak- ing it a brutal exhibition. THe sawcnurr never knows how poor he is until he sees the prices brought by a forced sale. ‘This world is always ready to furnish instruction to the unfortunate, [7 15 hard to say it, but the American eagle seems to be a mercenary bird. We never see him back- ing Miss Liberty, unless there is a good deposit of hard money between them, THe swure-raxer is generally good at a pinch, THe cHerct and the Stage should be more friendly than they are. The average actress can furnish a larger harvest of marriage fees than five ordinary women. Pair ts rave that the geese pluck their feathers when it snows, then the snow-storm is truly a down-fall. sof 01 str Now it was loaded,” said the tramp, half-apologet- ically, as he relinquished his effort to move a heavy cart, err over— Playing the Treble with the Other Hand, F society is a woman’s hobby, she is generally a bareback rider. Slipping His Cable. Scudding Under Bare Poles.