Puck — December 31, 1879 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK, 697 OF CAPADURA HARDTACK, ESQ. OF coursg, of course! New Year's is here. It had to come. It was due. ‘The calendar, sir, hasonly one thing to recommend it, and that is its solid regularity. Dates make no postponement on ac- count of the weather. Talking of weather, things appear to be pretty variegated this season, don’t they? I rise to-day, let us say, with my poet's heart weighed down with the leaden sky and the cold, misty air. These items may be immaterial to you, sir, but they are hefty realitiestome. Well, . to-morrow, when I get up from my virtuous couch—it is a ten-cent Howard Lodging House couch; I have shot my old ash-barrel—my bosom will heave with joy at the sight of the crystaline clear empyrean, whose cloudless turquoise gleams like a blue revelation of glory about the myriad white-clad roofs and the snow mantled tree-tops of the parks. All is joy in nature—clear, keen, cold, pearly, g0-as-you-please joy! All? Well, the man with a frost-bitten ear isn’t so strong on joy; but what 's aural chil- blains to meteorological ecstasy ? Do I celebrate New Year's Day? Of course, of course. I believe in all these touching anniversaries, round which cluster the memories of honored generations now a-blossoming in the dust. I cling to New Year's Day. I celebrate it after a fashion of my own—rather the opposite of yours, my young friend. 1 do nof make calls. In fact, this is the one day of the year on which I omit that ceremony. Why should I make calls? I own, it is a graceful and beautiful custom. The ladies like it—and I always have smiled—I smile constitutionalty—on the sex. Look at that foreign lady, with the distinguished air—her by the barrel there, probing its arcane depths with a hook. That woman is gone on me, sir, dead gone. The sex, you see, reciprocates. Yes, I highly approve of making calls on New Year's, But why should I join the giddy throng? In palatial parlors, where the feet sink in the luxurious velvet pile of carpets woven in foreign looms, where the profusion of bric-a-brac, the artistic array of pictures and statuary, bespeak the influence of refined tastes on illimitable wealth, where the soft light streams through delicately tinted glass—there fair women receive the homage of the crowd—there fashion throws her spell over her devotees, and the wine-cup circles fair, presented by white-armed Hebes to the lips of brave and manly youth, who bows low, enthralled—intoxicated more by the tender glance of lucent eyes than by the sparkling potion. Yet I am not there, Why should I be? Intent on their own pleasures, what heed would they give to me? My aims are not theirs. They worship alone at the gilded shrine of pleasure. When I make a call, it is for a definite purpose. I am after feed. And I have observed that the cooks gener- ally, on New Year's day, are receiving, and they find it more blessed to do that than to give. New Year's calling, for me, is, in fact—N. G. Thank you, don’t care if I do. NEW YEAR'S REFLECTIONS Seas a gee Cat holy oppression “ legal swasion,”” ‘This sounds holier, and the brethren love contradic- tions of terms. PROHIBITION PROVERBS. ‘Tue wicked shall not ‘scape the gin. Tue editors of Webster’s Unabridged are evidently allied with the publicans: see therein the word “ temperance.” Tera is the draft that cheers—and hisses, Tue apple that tempted Eve must have been apple-jack. . Onty a letter’s difference between vile and vine, sin and gin, rum and ruin, This is a Irons sound argument. It’s nothing but sound. More fetters, dread inquisitors! against irony! Rum and murder are brethren; they both come from Cain. Tue holy office ¢s kind : the persecution of the bar profiteth the bar, Tuis cry of fanaticism is very old, brethren; it is as old as the Inquisition itself. Ir is nobler, brethren, to persecute offenses than offenders. Suppose we punish a bottle of rum? Wuoso defendeth freedom for naught is suborned and éribed; but whoso defendeth holy oppression, verily that laborer is worthy of his hire. F. BLAKE Crorron. Ir was a brace of communists who met in a secluded hostelry near Tompkins Square. “Lugsy watch you've got on,” said one: “what's she worth?” “Don’t know,” the other horny-handed re- plied: ‘the jeweler was asleep.” FITZNOODLE IN AMERICA. No. CXV. THE HOLIDAY SEASON, Ya-as, Chrwist- mas-day is ovah and everwy Amer- wican has eaten his wegulation dinnah, Y wade his wegula- tion pwesents, and dwunk his wegula- tion supply of dif- ferwent beverwages. Perwhaps some fellaws may have aw indulged in maw than the wegu- lation quantity. To-morrow is the first day of the new ye-ah, which, as everwybody alweady knows, is de- voted by youngstahs to moving about fwom post to p-p-pillah and seeing to what extent their fwiends have their tables spwead to we- ceive visitahs, Although I’m engaged to Miss Marguerwite, who is quite wepublican in her ideahs, I am not sufficiently Amerwicanized to be bwoken into this widiculous and unnecessary paying- visits arwangement. I shall therefore dwop the subject, as I am not desirwous of worwying people faw whom I may have a fai-ah amount of wespect, by my wemarks, even if they are but too twue. There is not a gweat deal to say about these aw holidays. I have tweated the topic at Jack Carnegie’s wequest’ quite fwequently, and aw wathah imagine that it is worn a twifle thwead- bare, Howevah, the new ye-ah must necessarwily bwing with it what some fellaws call food faw weflection—aw I mean pwevisionarwy specula- tion, I have now been wesiding in this countwy faw a considerwable perwiod—’pon my soul, I don’t wemembah the pwecise numbah of months or ye-ahs, but I have an ide-ah that durwing the time I have expwessed my opinions with fweedom on a verwy extensive varwiety of subjects, Perwhaps it would now be the pwopah thing faw me to take a sort of weview of my carwe-ah he-ah. I think it may all be summed up in the fact that I am going to be marwied to weally a most desirwable cweachah—aw I may say a pwize Amerwican young woman, I think my people would have pweferwed my making a matwi- monial alliance with somebody in our set at home, ye know, but no fellaw can have undah contwol his feelings, and in this particular in- stance I’m extwemely glad I didn’t. I am aw still fwequently asked if I intend to wemain in this countwy aftah I have led Miss Marguerwite to the hymeneal altah. I always say in weply that I weally don't know aw. A LITERAL CONSTRUCTION. Tue Sevr-FEeeper. comicbooks.com