Puck — October 22, 1879 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. PUCK. Nos. 21 & 28 WARREN STREET. FOR SALE BY ALL NEWS DEALERS. Junus To SunscriBers dn the United States and Canada, ‘HWARZMANN,. +H, C, BUNNER. SPECIAL NOTICES. aa Remittances by Money Order, etc., are to be addressed to KEFPLER & SCHWARZMANN. ‘We cannot undertake to retura rejected communications, and to this rule we ean make a0 exception. ~ Puce is ca Sale ia Londos, at the News Ageocy of Messrs: HENRY F. GILLIG & CO., 449, Strand, Coaring Cross, and ERNATIONAL NEWS. COMPANY, , Bouverie BGP The Index to Vol. 5 of Puck is published as a supplement to this number. cowrEenrTs. ‘Where Shall We Go for Salva- Suseé Studies—John Al- tent 0. fe Eerie Boll Frogs. Gromed (poem) — Arthur Lt. = Great wtkes 1a ‘Un the Streets. | Senate Question ils, ‘The Return of Prosperity—illus, | Nice Young Men. Reducing the Army. jeatres. A Statesnran.—Chas. Monselet. | Awswans von rm Axxovs. Heart-Rendiog Grief—illus, me AMERICA.— A Warning—illus, ‘No. CX. ‘A Chapter in the Life of Lord | Ancutre Gascona—Jobo Fraser Peter. —Leo. C, Evans. Pouce’s Excuawces, WHERE SHALL WE GO FOR SALVATION? i we desire to reach any part of the habi- table globe, we can consult our ‘Cook's Tourists’ Guide," or the railway and steamship advertisements in the daily papers, to find a sure, speedy and direct route; pur- chasing the necessary ticket therefor, we find ourselves, in due time, at the haven we seek. But if we desire to soar beyond this habitable sphere, and flit away above, (or below,) the routes and the guides are so many, so contra- dictory, and so confusing, that the poor man, who would fain be en route for Heaven, gets himself completely mixed and finds himself at a standstill. In point of fact it is so very hard to decide how to get to Heaven that large numbers of people, it is said, make no effort at all to get there; and, as Heaven is acknowledged “to be a “Land of Supreme Delight,” it seems to us that these lying “Guides” with their contradictory routes, who prevent mankind from rushing there directly, should be incon- tinently squelched. We say dying guides advisedly; and are they not? As they all disagree, they cannot a// be right; and if any one of the crowd is right, are not ail the rest lying guides? Suppose a man goes over to Brooklyn, or wherever else the meandering Doctor Fulton happens to have a church or a hall, and gets himself well soused, head over heels, in that worthy divine’s baptismal tub, so that he is assured he is going sriimuningly to heaven, wouldn't he feel just mad when St. Peter barred the Gates against him and told him he ought to have come by the Episcopal Ritual Route, via Rev. Cream Cheese! Or, if a worthy soul, for years, pours all her big and little sins into the ears, and nearly all her dellars into the lap of a snuffy old prelate, that she may secure passage to the Bright Beyond, wouldn’t it be rough on her to find herself switched off to the Infernal Sing-Sing and held there on a charge of ‘ mummery and worshipping of false gods ?” And there is our good brother Talmage! Think how it would be if all the devout people of England, Ireland, and Brooklyn who hope they are dancing on to Heaven with him, should be brought up with a round turn in—well, say in Hades—and be made to dance on hot plates with the peculiarly uncomfortable application to their persons of a hot poker. And if the happy-go-lucky guidance of Mr. Beecher be taken, isn’t one as apt to step down and out into outer darkness as to meet with disaster on ay other route? It may be said these are extreme cases; but is it not the fact that all these Guides set them- selves up as showing the only true route? Does not the mitred Bishop tell you that the Prote- stants will go to Hell, and that Salvation is only to be found (if paid for) in the True Church? And do not the stiff and starched presenters of the Protestant idea assure you that all Roman Catholics, and all the other divisions and sub- divisions of their own creed, are on the “wrong road?" It is all very much like the scenes enacted on our piers last summer when the rival steamboat runners assured passengers that only ¢eir boats landed at the proper place, and that all oppo- sition boats would either burst their boilers or et stuck in the mud. All of which was con- loosing to the timid pater-familias with many young ones and weighty lunch baskets. But it is too uncertain and mixed-up at present. A man isn’t even sure how he can go to Hell, if he wishes; certain creeds and teachers asserting there is no Hell. We hope this confusion worse confounded will soon be straightened out, for at present all we can do towards realizing our hopes is to obey the laws, be a good citizen, be kind to our neighbors, mind our own business, and do no man wrong. Tue Batrachian Butler groaned in woe, And his breast within him sank, As his brother bull-frog in O-hi-o Up Salt River started to go, And the East wind bears us Ben’s mournful, slow “Wo-honk, wohank!” THE TWIN BULL-FROGS. G setts, are the Chang and Eng of inflationists. One is already a little deader than a door- nail, and the other can’t possibly survive the loss of his deceased Greenback brother. ‘The Republicans are rejoicing at the height NERAL EWING, the Governor non- elect of Oxio, and Mr. Benjamin Butler, the Governor non-elect of Massachu- of what they consider the tidal wave in their favor, which they imagine has swamped every Democrat in Ohio as well as in other states of the Union, and think it is owing to the long- deferred recognition of the heavenly qualities which they fondly believe themselves to above all other parties to an eminent degree. We think they are mistaken. Puck doesn’t carea red cent which party isin power, —barring greenbackers and inflationists—the country in the hands of honest Democrats is likely to be just as safe as in the hands of swindling Re- publicans, or vice versa, What the election in Ohio proves beyond all doubt is that the sensible people in Ohio will not countenance imaginary money in any shape whatever, the question as to whether a Republican or Democrat professes the heresy being a very small matter to the people, al- though of the highest importance to a host of place-hunting politicians, Inflation or anything approaching to it “must go,” and the dead cartilage which now hangs to the Bull-frog Butler, which once bound him greenbackly, so to speak, to General Ewing, will soon hasten the political turning up of the toes of Bully Bsn—and he will croak no more. Puckegings. Wuen Power makes a joke, Expectancy smiles and sees a-point-meant. Tue most confirmed inebriate will decline a horn, if it be offered by a bull. A Man with a new suit of clothes wonders why everyone else looks so shabby. Captain WittiaMs is reminded that the club which goes too often to the skull—etc. Since the investiture of Victoria with that new title, her manner is said to be more em- pressive. We wish the late Miss Florence McDonald had been in love with Captain Williams. But then she wouldn’t have been. It appears that Dr. Lemoyne couldn't get himself cremated, after all. How little difficulty Captain Williams would have in getting such a dying injunction carried out! We are afraid that it may excite jealous feel- ings in the breast of Mr. R. B, Hayes to see Lorne left alone to do just as he pleases, with- out his wife or his mother-in-law. Ir may soothe the soul of Mr. John Kelly, and in some measure off-set his forebodings, to know that Puck's Annual for 1880 will come out about the second week in November, just when he will want something to brighten him up. WE trust that Mr. Kelly's honorarium from Mr. Cornell is not contingent upon the success of the Republican cause. There is a hard winter coming, and we should not like to see New York City’s favored statesman reduced to working the soup-house racket. Tue cost of Mr. Cyrus Field's Third Avenue Elevated Railroad is said to be 360,000 dollars a mile. There must be a mistake somewhere for judging by the sweetly comfortable cars, and the delightful smoothness of the travelling on the road; we should think $3.60 a mile would much more than cover the real outlay. We understand, from private advices, that the real reason why Mr. Courtney, the Victim of Fate, did not row the promised race with Mr. Hanlan was that some fiend in human form got at the lake the night before, and pumped all the water out into a bucket. Of course, you couldn't expect a man to row if there is po water. This is one of the peculiar brand of misfortunes copyrighted and used only by Mr. Courtney. Puck will publish about Thanksgiviog, in time for the Tur- key, an _ ANNUAL FOR 1880, 130 pages, all new and onginal matter, the best of its kind and plenty of it; profusely and gorgeously illustrated by J. Keppler. J. A. Wales, Michael Angelo and other members of Puck's artistic staff ‘Those who contemplate purchasing the Encyclopzdia Britan- nica, or the New York City Directory, are ioformed that they will find PUCK’S ANNUAL FOR 1880 handier and more humorous. PRICE, 25 CENTS GOLD, warranted for one year.