Puck — September 17, 1879 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

434 PUCK. PUCK. Nos. 21 & 23 WARREN STREET. FOR SALE BY ALL NEWS DEALERS. Turaus Jo Susscrisers In the United States and Canada, ) one year, OF se numbers... siz moaths, or 36 numbers. ‘or ‘weeks. ry 7 One Year, OF $2 BUMDETS verse Obs Gey; Sie Lonths, or 26 cumbers ‘One Copy, three months, or 13 numbers Inctupmo Tunostaatep sy. Busmress Mana Eprror. Owing to the steadily-increasing pressure on our col- ADVERTISING BATES of PUCK will, after the Ist of October, be raised 60 PER CENT. umns, the All who wish to avail themselves of the present rates must hand in their advertisements before the above date. KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN. ponderous Blaine scoops out shovelfulls of ob- stacles in the way to the White House. ‘ Many weak ones will fall by the way, but will not G. Wash. Childs, A.M., Poet-obituate (par- don the hog-Latin, dear reader!), be there to write them up the golden stair? Roll your bar’ls down the cellar, Uncle Samuel J.! There is onecoming after, mightier than you, who marshals his forces by the power of an Indomitable Will, and is unacquainted with your peculiar policy of shilly-shally. And, above all things, believe in your news- dispatches, feller-citizens; Grant és going into the canal business, and when the mules caracole his boat through the land to Washington, sur- rounded by dolphins of devoted adherents, nereids of nepotics, and shoals of contractors, with the skins (and souls) of sharks on (and in) them, the story of Cleopatra in her Barge will pale and fade from our memories. Lucky those who shall live till 1881 to see Grant take the first trip over his new canal. CONTENTS. Grant io the Canal Business.) The Merry, Merry Maiden and Bad. Eggs and Police Commis-| | the Dentist (poem) —Slowcus. sioners’ Little Games. Did the Gentleman Lie !—Lem. ERINGS.. Some Queer Interviews. The Carcer of a Great Pedes- triap—illus, Sonnets —Arthur Lot ‘Shakspeve Studies—John Albro. ‘The Best of Testimonials, Troddledums the Simian—illus, | Amusements, Tales of Fashionable Life. FOR Tx Axxi00s. Natural Historical—illus. ‘Anca Gascorea—Jobs Fraser A Retura {rom the Cousiry—il-| Pucx’s Excaancss, jestrated. GRANT IN THE CANAL BUSINESS, HE gratifying news has reached the ears of our distracted fellow-countrymen that General Grant, on his return to this country, would not dabble his fingers in the dirty waters of politics, but would assume the Presidency of that great Canal prospect which is to do so much for commerce. Now, that may all be very well, but as a strategist General Grant has not been in the habit of announcing his intentions to the enemy beforehand. Not much he hasn’t. And we take the liberty.of believing that U. S. G., the poli- tician, is very much like U. S. G., the General, in diverting the attention of the enemy away from the point he intends to attack. But if Mr. Grant is, really going into the canal business, we desire it to be known that it is not on any canal that is to wed the waters of the Atlantic to those of the Pacific; but rather on a gutter that will lead from the old Grant domicile in Galena to the recenter residence in the White House, Washington. If this canal is dug, successfully, it will be a paying institution, Its business in passengers and freight will be great enough to make blue the gills even of a Vanderbilt; just think, feller- citizens, of the number of Uncles, Cousins, and all sorts of nepotic relations unto the thirty- third and forty-fourth generations who ‘would 0 sailing out from the West, after offices, when Siysses came into his own again! And the presents! Aha, the Whiskey Ring alone could run a sort of Red Star line of boats, with an improved breed of trotting mules. That alone would secure the freight business; and as to its rolling stock—the mules—we doubt if there is a man in this country fitter to select or e them than Grant. Alll this is very fine if only there is to be the canal; and just here the strength of U.S. G. comes in, Recently it has been the fortune of Puck to show Graat putting the Republicans to sleep; wait a little and you'll see him wake them, They are the chaps to dig his canal for him! For eight long years they never refused to shovel dirt for him, and surely they won’t decline now; and quick work will be made when the mighty Conkling lifts his pick, and the Frrewogous 1 Ascmnica.— Sympathy (poem).— Chas, A. St. Patrick vs. St. George. Mr. Kelly’s Convention, BAD EGGS AND POLICE COMMISSIONERS’ LITTLE GAMES. HERE were some remarks in this journal last week which we felt it proper to make in relation to certain present and recent Servants of the city, into whose hands had been intrusted the security of life and health and property of our people. The way these servants —Police Commissioners—have cared for our health, our property and our lives has been made patent to the reading world. But facts have been made known to Puck, brought to him by that little bird who is ever on the wing to bring whispered truths to his ear, which go to show that our ill-regulated police system was not due to incompetency, internal dissensions, or general laxity in office, as has been supposed to be the case by our daily contemps., but ra- ther to as low a grade of morals in the Com- missioners as one would look for around the lower slums of the city. Drunkenness, debauch- ery, peculation, the levying of unlawful tribute are crimes punishable by imprisonment in this community. Crimes like these the police are supposed to prevent, if possible; or to procure punishment for, if evidence is procurable against the perpetrators.” Yet, if policeman 1983 sees Commissioner Aselling a Department horse for $115, and then “returning” it on the books of the Department as “dead,” think you policeman 1983 would arrest Cominissioner A for swindling the tax- ers? No, he would keep his evidence to himself, feel secure in his power, and at once roceed to blackmail the open-past-midnight Fiquor-dealers on his beat. If Commissioner B reels-out of a house of notorious character in the early hours before dawn, sightless mentally as well as physi- cally, having more “ glasses”” in his stomach than on his nose, does policeman 2002 “club” him into subjection and bounce him into a cell? No, no, dear innocent tax-payer! Po- liceman 2002 gets him home in a cab, and ever after policeman 2002 swings his club in sweet consciousness of immunity from charges before the Board. But what’s the use of going into the subject further? Our citizens of ed- ucation, thought, culture and means know all these facts; they growl at them, but make no effort to have the city well policed. Any intelligent New Yorker can readily make a list of a thousand names of our best citizens, whose action, should they meet together in one of the great halls of the city, would at once bouleverse our whole pilfering, loafing, drunken police system, As we are not in favor of an early death, we hope to live till we see this consummation so devoutly to be wished for. Purkerings. Grant is Bacchanalinig again, Tue Kelly bolt should be shot. Kexty and Cornett ought to pair off. WE WANT MORE WALK AND LESS TALK! Rosinson has the oyster, and Kelly has the Schell. Mr. Ketty should have learned how to mind his p's and Syra qs. Tue date of next-Governor Kelly's inaugu- ration is not yet fixed. Mr. Joun Ketty is going to “flock all alone by himself,” this canvass. Beaconsrietp ‘is not an Irishman, but doesn't he make Cabul of his Afghan policy ? Cuter Ketty didn’t bury that hatchet, in spite of our prediction. But he cut his throat with it. Tue Reformer and Jewish Times says there isn’t a Jewish undertaker in New York. We nominate Mr. Corbin for the position. Generat Grant's Nicar: canal scheme is probably only a new move in the direction of the White House, He sluice around, so to speak, Some of the Tammany delegates at the Syra- cuse Convention were robbed of their valua- bles. Too bad. There ought to be “ honor among,” etc., you know. Scripner’s MontHiy for November an- nounces an article by Ernest Ingersoll on “ How Animals Get Home.” Just at the pre- sent time, this seems a cruel slur on the return- ing Ulysses, ‘A SUPPRESSED DOCUMENT: Syracuse, N. Y., Sept. 12, 1879. Mr. Joun Key, Dr., ‘To hire of hall 2 fos ie 81 009 gon, Sime [ENDonseMEnt— (ell him to wait till after election. J.K Mr. Aucustus ScueLt is understood to have remarked, 4 propos of the Tammany candidate for Governor, that there is a great deal of run in him. Which is where Mr. Kelly strongly resembles a cheap calico. Messrs. W. H. Vanpersitt, W. B. Astor, and Henry Hilton, following the excellent example of Mr. Jay Gould, have each forwarded ten thousand dollars to the Howard Associa- tion, Memphis. May Heaven forgive us for this mastodon lie; but wouldn’t it be funny if it were true? SEPTEMBER. Sweet is the music of thy going feet, Child of the Summer's lusty age, Whose cooler pulses softlier beat With reason calm and sage Thee with fair words physicians greet— Thou bringest the greengage. NOTICE. a The Numbers 4, 5, 6, 18 and 25 of Puck will be bought at this office, 21 & 23 Warren St., at 10 cents per copy; and Numbers 9, 14, 26, 5G and 58 at 25 cents per copy. comicbooks.com