Puck — September 10, 1879 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. PUCK. Nos: 21 & 23 WARREN STREET. FOR SALE BY ALL NEWS DEALERS. Jerus Jo Susscripers In the United States and Canada. rene cor mabas Qos Genre Sento Sas eumbers ‘months, or 13 numbers One COP, Cree ma tend Post jOS. KEPPLER. MANN, Intosrearep sy. Bosuress HWARZ 'H, C. BUNNER. WOTICE. Owing to the steadily-increasing pressure on our col- the ADVERTISING RATES of PUCK will, after the Ist of October, be raised 60 PER CENT. All who wish to avail themselves of the present rates must hand in their advertisements before the above date. KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN. CONTENTS. It a'a't de Gas dat’s in Em, nlgerml a Wade Whipple. elections of a Lounger— ‘Alonzo de Lacey. Pucx's Condensed Novels. Reviews of Some Books. ‘The Highlands (poem).— Joba Fraser. stAuld Scotland Vet.” Chilling—illus, Preacher and Politician. vor THE AncuoUs. ‘Ancottx Gascormm—Jobn Fraser Poce’s Excuances. ice Commissioners. sherm: Big Lift—illus, eet The ‘Tes and’ Crockery War— conte im AMERICA. — ‘No. C1V. fl ‘Troddledums, the Simian—illus. More! Celluloids Ode to the Clam (poem)—Ar- thur Lot, ‘Shakspere Studies. VOL. VL Just as the mighty time-piece ticks The hour whereat the summer ends, I kiss my hand to you, Z good friends, Who've seen me safe to VoLUME S1x. The Autumn’s ruby darts transfix The foliage in the breeze that bends: No longer the barkeeper blends Light lemonades with various sticks. So drink my health in what you will. I'll print within a week or two An-index full to Volume Five. I trust you're glad I’m with you still, Through woe and weal your friend most true, Bumptious and watchful and alive. Puck. OUR POLICE COMMISSIONERS. UR readers ought to know by this time that we are a journal of progress. We have long ago thrown over-board all that useless cargo of old-fashioned, conven- tional ideas which, we are sorry to say, this generation has been obliged to inherit from its fathers. Weare determined not to’bequeath to our successors any such hindrances to free- dom of thought and action. If our progenitors chose to bind themselves down to an inconveniently narrow code ot morality and social ethics, that is no reason why we should patronize a policy that, however venerable and respectable it may be, doesn’t pay dividends to the children of men in these fer days of progress. You see, this is the last quarter of the nine- teenth century, and it won't do to be too par- ticular, The fact is, we hate particular people —people who are eternally fussing about right and wrong, and other old-fogy abstractions. Here, for instance, are some very worthy rsons who are quite out of the true line of modern thought, and who are raising an un- progressive grumble about the private life of certain members of the Board of Police Com- missioners, past and present. We are sure that our readers—our rational, progressive readers—will thank us for showing up the bigotry and narrow-mindedness of this class of fault-finders, We can’t do it all at once; we shall have to recur to the subject again ; but we feel that we really must endeavor to get in a word for one or two of the victims of this captious injustice. Ex-Police Commissioner Smith, for instance, isa sufferer. Mr. Smith is a nice old gentle- man, called Baldy by his friends and by an irreverent public. Mr. Smith has come in for a great deal of cruel abuse, that has caused him much pain, for he was a sensitiveand tender hearted police-commissioner, And why is this ‘ood old man abused? Why? Simply because ie is very nearsighted, and because this in- firmity causes him many inconveniences. His eyes are so bad—to give a single instance— that he occasionally mistakes some other lady for his own wife, and does not find out his mis- take until—well, he does not find it out even in the course of a long excursion. And once, when he happened to lose his glasses, one fine night, do you know, people really insisted on knowing where he lost them, and why a police- man brought them back to him the next day, This is getting too beastly inquisitive, we think. The next thing we shall have someone asking for a diagnosis of the curious disease—un- doubtedly connected with his ophthalmic troubles—which occasionally comes over Gen- eral Smith and causes him to walk in that pe- culiar manner which has given rise to the word circumbendibus, and to punctuate his remarks with the foreign interjection Aic, Altogether too beastly low-down inquisitive, So also with police-commissioner Nichols. Mr. Nichols’s life has been made miserable by the howls of the populace at the number of his brothers-in-law. He couldn’t help it, could he, if his sisters married copiously? And as to his appointing those brothers-in-law to the offi- ces within his gift—why, whose business is that ?. Isn’t it all in the family? And whose brothers-in-law should he appoint, in the name Of progressive rationalism? Some other fel- low's? We have room merely to mention the case of Mr, Wheeler. Why should Mr. Wheeler be persecuted because he used to dislike to attend the meetings of the police board? All we have to say on that head is that we admire Mr. Wheeler's taste. We don’t want to be di: le; but we propose to’ see Messrs. Smith, Nichols and Wheeler th-ough. If the public goes to grum- bling any more, we shall take up the cause of our police-board martyrs, and turn a calcium light of cartoonery on them that will transfi, their sanctity if there is any transfigure to it, NOTICE. —— Numbers 1, 2, 4) 5, 6, 9,10, 18, 14, 22, 25, 26, 40. and 47 of Puce will be bought at this Ofice, at & 23 Warren Street, at 10 cents per copy... Puckerings. Tue World well lost—after you have read it through. ._ Tuts may be, after all, the Cor-knell of Conk- ling’s supremacy. Saux isn’t a poulterer, though he has on hand some duck for sale. Tue obtrusive ubiquitousness of the straw- hat is beginning to tone down, Wuar's in a name?—Mr. Evarts expects to get $103,000 out of Fortune Bay. Every city has its favorite brand of wine, and Cincinnati's choice of SWine. * Cornett has been pleasantly nicknamed, by the Robertson party, the Canonchet candidate. Georce Etior says: ‘Women don’t love men for their goodness.” This is lucky, if true. Tue Duke of Beaufort has returned to Eng- land without Sothern. _ Beaufort to have gone together, THE Bassoon is never used now in bands, We predicted several years ago that it would bassoon dispensed with. Mucuee-takeg, chief of the Sloshabouts, is so persistent in his demands at the agency that he is called the Hunker chief. Wuar the Democrats wish to know, before the next campaign opens, is whether Samuel J. T. is single or double-bar'l'd. Ir is gratifying to know that Mr. John Kelly will not support Governor Robinson. Count Joannes is the man he ought to support. Mr, Potice-CommissioNER McLean ‘doesn't steal department goods, doesn’t frequent gamb- ling-hells and doesn’t spéculate in buttons. He must be lonely in his present position. Mrs. Lanotry is greatly interested in this country, She wants to find out if Dr. Mary Walker in costume and Susan B, Anthony on beauty can lay over her, WueEn you get’in a car and hand all the money you have in your pocket, a trade dollar, to the conductor, you don’t feel good fora cent when he pronounces it counterfeit. Tue Summer is sinking to rest, the golden leaves are falling, the rains of autumn are drop-. ping on the golden grain—yet there are some * people who are not in unison with nature. They never tumble, We don’t bélieve that Mr. Tilden will get into the White House next year; but hetcan paint his summer residence up the Hudson, and make believe; ‘which will probably amuse. him just as well. Tue “ Lady -Suffragists” to Governor Robin- son: t “You nasty, horrid man for vetoing the school bill. We feel inclined to scratch your eyes out.—So there now!” Litt te Bo-Peep, she lost her sheep, And didn’t know where to find ’em! But Commissioner Smith, when his specs come bi ack Knows where he left 'em behind him.