Puck — September 3, 1879 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. MY FIRST LOVE. HI could some magic power resus- citate those glorious afternoons! Ben Butler might have envied us, ‘We were such very precious spoons. She was indeed divinely fair, With waist particularly slender; I oft heard Shnitchikoff declare, With tears, she was a Russian bender! Of course you know of whom I gos- y sip thus, our wine and walnuts over? You don't? Then, by the great Jehos- ophat, that beats a seven-leaved clover! Why, surely, Brown, you can’t forget That picnic, eh, on Coney Island? When all of us got jolly wet, Although we never left the dry land? ‘And little Jinks got very tight, Through mixing sherry-cobs. and brandy, And wanted every one to fight, ‘With anything that came in handy? ‘And Jake—poor Jake!—you mind him, Bill? He passed his checks in shortly after— ‘What songs he sang! what jokes! until ‘We wriggled in the sand witn laughter. And She—my own, my love, my pet! ‘The goddess of my adoration! Her eyes alone might drive, you bet, Saint Anthony to desperation. And then her hair, a wealth of gold, More precious than an empire’s ransom, And other beauties manifold, Which made her just too awf'ly handsome, She called me, too, her little hub; She did, indeed; t'was pleasant—verys I called Aer little wife— (I'll troub- le you, old man, to pass the sherry). And—what? her name? Belinda Reid? No; she was quite a different lot in; Her name, you ask? May I be d’d! Blessed if I haven't clean forgotten! JOuUN Fraser. GALLIC GUMDROPS. ADAPTED TO THE AMERICAN TASTE. “« PERSEVERANCE is the tenth muse,” says a writer. Gall is the eleventh. “GOING to the sea-shore at this time! you'll get frozen!” ‘Not a bit, my dear—I’ve had my bathing- suit trimmed with fur.”” Why “Way, I thought you were dead!” “So I am, my boy, so Iam. But on fine days like this, y’ know, the Greenwood autho- rities let me out for an airing—that’s all. Tata! Have to be back by ten o'clock.” ‘Prisoner, what is your profession ?” “Now, old man, don't you know?” “ ANSWER THE CourT!"” * “Well, boss, my working capital is largely, so to , invested in the wallet and portable time-piece line of business.” a sgpatt Guest [vivaciously|—‘Waiter, are you going to bring me my dinner; ‘pon me soul, it’s out- rageous!"" Warrer [tranguilly]—‘‘ John Kelly don’t seem to do you fellows no good. You need discipline, that’s what you need. “T've a new thing—a big thing!” he suid: “I'm going to get up a matrimonial agency!” “The scheme is venerable,” said a cold- hearted bystander. “Not on my plan!” was~his proud reply: “All goods not satisfactory cheerfully and promptly exchanged.’”” “ Frve dollars for certificating a man!" said the hayseed bridegroom; ‘can’t you do it no cheaper 'n that ?”” “ Not a vermilion centime,” replied the gen- tleman who made a specialty of uniting hearts. “Come, now, say four ’n’ a haff—'n’ I'll give you my custom regular—I will, by gee!” 'Twas in the gilded halls of Pharaoh. “I thought you had sworn off playing 2” “Well, soihad, soihad. Fact is, I struck such a fearful run of luck last week that I thought I might as well work it out before I retired.” “‘What? Been breaking the bank?” “No, Just buried my mother-in-law.” His biggest tooth had just been pulled; and when he went out he calmly handed it to the ivory-lifter. “Ten dollars, if you please,” said the forcepist. “Two dollars change, you mean,” sweetly responded the victim.” You filled that masti- cator with ten dollars worth of raw coinage two months ago; and if you haven't cheated me, it’s there yet.” The service was over, and the heavy doors of the church closed one by one, their clang awak- ing sonorous echos throughout the vast nave. Alone, in the dark shadow of a pillar, one devotee still knelt, her fair head bowed upon her hands, her slim and shapely figure convulsed from time to time by stifled sobs, At last the sexton approached her and softly touched her shoulder. “ We are going to close the church,” he said, gently. “T know it,” she murmured, without lifting her head: “give me time for one little prayer more—one little two-by-nine prayer, and I'll skip.” SmiTHincton’s wife is not kind in double harness, and not suitable for a gentleman to drive. Smithington was talking to Potts about the way people went on—and off nowadays. «What would you do,” said Potts, who was strong on the pistol theory, “if some other fellow ran away with your own wife? _ Excuse the illustration ; but I want to bring it home to ou.” “T shouldn’t hesitate an instant,’ Smithing- ton responded. “You'd kill her?” “No, sir; I think I should refrain from un- manly violence.” “You'd kill yourself?” “Like never mind I would!” “‘ Well, what should you do then ?” ‘ Make friends with the victim right off, and give him some substantial testimony of my esteem. Only begad, if I ever invited him to _.}-dinner, he should come alone.” SOOTHING "EM TO SLUMBERS SWEET. [See Cartoon om. first page.J T was urged, both for and against Gene- ral Grant, when he was first nominated for the Presidency, that he was not a profes- sional politician or an experienced diplomatist. But he made good use of his first four years in the Presidential chair, as the late Mr. Greeley found out very much to his cost; and he seems to have added greatly to his political astuteness during his second term and during his confab with the big-wigs abroad, This is nowhere made more patent to the eyes of those who watch the tide of politics, than in the way he, on the other side of the world, is managing his campaign for a Third Term in these United States. The “ Sphinx" (as he is sometimes called) has never shown his hand; in which, and in holding his tongue, he has been very like the old original Sphinx dear to the eyes of Eastern tourists. But an enemy whose work is in the dark is doubly feared, so at last the living Sphinx has seen fit to open his mouth, and with soft breathings to woo those who had feared him into a peaceful, soul-resting sleep. He has spoken to Li-Hung such sweet and bashful words that when they are cabled to this coun- try, at once Messrs. Blaine, Conkling, Washburne and the rest of the Republican aspirants to the Presidency sink into slunbers soft and sweet. What fear has Conkling of Blaine; or Blaine of Evarts; or Evarts of Washburne ?—and so on, along the whole merry-go-round. Blaine can smash Cooking with Narragansett Pier; while Conkling can lay out Blaine with a fusillade of the “ Mulligan letters.” None of the would-be candidates are afraid of each other, but they have all been afraid of that great name— Grant. If Ae wanted a Third Term, what would—what could the pigmies do to oppose him? Now, however, that he has “had all the honors;” now that “ there are other men who have fairly earned the Presidency and should have it; now that Grant is’ going into the canal business, Washburne and Evarts and Blaine and Conkling can fall asleep with their fine eyes fixed on the White House. ‘There'll be a funny pow-wow when the awakening comes; when some Buckingham forces the Third Term crown upon the brow that had declined it; but it will be all right in the end, for there are plenty of fat offices; and if there are not enough to go around, are we not an inventive people, and can’t we make them? Meanwhile let the candidates dream pleasant dreams of future glory; let them feel confident that in the coming campaign the great Grant gun will not be used against them. Sleep, dar- lings, sleep! Lullaby, lullaby! Slumber while you may, for the long roll, ‘To arms!” will sound in your ears soon enough. SOCIAL HORRORS—No. 2. Tue SELFisH Man, “‘ Hurry up, Maria—you women are always making a man miss the train!”