Puck — August 27, 1879 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. STRATEGY. ‘THIRSTY tramp reclined Beneath a friendly shade, Imbibing—in his mind— swhiskeyed lemonade. stranger passit patred_h whe would not?— ‘To gaze with longing eye $,On that cool, shady spot. “Sir,” the tramp exclaimed, «+ Be seated in the shade,” The stranger, tired, lamed, Right willingly obeyed. Jittle time they spent ; yn friendly smoke and chat, “>? “Each told the way he went, Wis mission, and all that. 5% ‘Our shady hero eyed ‘The youth around about, And from his breast descried A bottle sticking out. “What, do my eyes deceive,” He cried, «unhappy boy, or Do I a flask perceive Containing the destroyer? 7 “A friendly warning take: Beware of drink, I pra The poisoned cup forsak Throw that vile stuff away. “Ob, friend, let me beseech, Pause in your mad career—” He faltered in his ; And dropped a silent tear. You're perched upon the edge; Be mine the pleasant task To save you. Sign the pledge— GIVE ME THE FATAL FLASK!” The stranger realized ‘The danger he was in, His folly now dispised, He handed out the gin, “Oh, thanks!” exclaimed the tramp, ««T've saved you from the brink— Oh, Lord! I’ve got a cramp!” With that he took a drink. He finished what was in The flask with eager quickness. “ There’s nothing, sir, like gin, In case of sudden sickness,” Frank I. CLARKE. THE PHRENOLOGICAL PERIPATETIC. “d and give you a chart, showin’ jes’ what you're good for.” It was early in the morning, and there was but one man in the office. He was a quiet young man, wearing the solemn air that befits a re- HAVE been thirty-five years a phren- ologist,” said he, as he entered the office; “feel your head for ten cents, cently- imed; bachelor, yet with something of the fire of unbridled youth still twinkling in the south-east Corner of his left eye. “Do you want to feel my head?” he asked. “Only ten cents, and a chart,” said the practising phrenologist. “Will you risk the chances?” the young man inquired, warningly. “T am, sir,” was the dignified response of the person inthe gray beard and ditto linen duster, ‘a practising phrenologist of over thirty- five years’ experience.” “Then fire ahead,” said the subject, seating himself on a cuspidor, so as to bring his head within convenient range of the practising phren- ologist. “Wait a minute, sir. I want you first to understand my system. For ten cents I feel your head and give you a chart—if you'll indly hear me through, sir! I don’t propose to commence no scientific examination while you hold them inadequate ideas of yourn, Phrenology, sir, is a great science—make no mistake. I’ve ben a-practising it thirty-five .| years, and l’ve got it down fine—just about. No guess-work here, that before we begin. ready.” ‘And his fingers danced like lightning over. the young man’s head. “First on our chart is AMATIVENEsS, Ama- tiveness, sir, is love of the opposite sex—women, you understand. I am obliged, sir, to put your amativeness down as /arge, You are lascivious, supersensual and voluptuous. I am, am I?” said the young man. “You am—are, I should say. To proceed. Next we come to PHILOPROGENITIVENESS, Or parential attachment.” “Eh?” said the young man, “Parential attachment, or love for children, Now, sir, I mark you very sma//, You have no feeling for children, Ain't I got it?” “The question,” replied the young man, after a pause, “is unparliamentary—and pre- mature, Proceed with your manipulations.”” «We now reach,” said the practicing phreno- logist, ‘‘ADHEsIVENEsS. You are as faithful in love as Joseph, Leander or Desdemona. Now, you needn’t suggest that that team don’t hitch together. ‘That’s the way they’re down in my book, and-I'm a practising phrenologist of thirty-five year’s standing. Then there’s INHABITATIVENESS. You are large there—like a cat.” “I move next week,” interrupted the young man. “Are you impeaching the grand basic truths of phrenology by gitting bounced out of your boarding-house ?” sarcastically inquired the man in the gray duster. ‘You din’t. Let us pass to CoNCENTRATIVENESS., ‘There you are small. —You are fond of variety—” “Shows!” was the addition of the subject. The old man did not heed it. “If you were large on concentrativeness, you would be inclined to delve into the incom- prehensibility of transmigration, as I have it here in the chart. I get these charts at whole- sale rates from Faulkner and Pumps—know ’em?—the boss phrenologists—leading house in the line. Now, here’s ComBaTiveNEss. You're a blazing hereafter on combativeness. As my chart says: ‘You join the lightning of Pascal to the thunderbolts of Tacitus.’ ” “T suppose I couldn’t live with my mother- in-law?” ventured the young man. “No, sir. Ten thousand such men as you would defy a legion of paynium.” “Of what.” “Of paynium. Paynium means heathen, On ALIMENTIVENESS you're very large. You make a god—adarned idol, of your digestive organs. But your ACQuISITIVENESS is the boss. Wealth, eminence and integrity are legibly inscribed on your head.” “The deuce they are!" “Yes, Now on Setr-Respect you're only moderate, You are apt to under-rate yourself —you are too diffident.” “‘Gospel truth!” said the young man. “While on ConsciENTIOUSNESS you are /arge —even very large. You may leave a name, to quote the book, as grand and ancient as the yramids.”” “T rather think the pyramids have got the start on me,” the subject remarked. “Here is Hope,” said the philosopher in the duster. ‘Here you are large. You ‘walk with a wild, unequal, wandering step.’” “Tr’s a slander,” said the other, home every evening—now.” I want you to understand Now, then, sir, if you're “Tstay at ‘‘SECRETIVENESS with you is only average, You are candid, open, communicative, agree- able and sociable.” “So are you.” He took no notice, going on: “Yet your Marvetousnsss is small, You are ‘very skep- tical and hard to convince.” BENEVOLENCE, how- ever, is your strong hold. You are munificent eee to a fault, and of an unbounding 7 ys ~ “On nothing,” said the young man. oYORALITY is a buster in your head, sir. You have large Ideality—‘brilliant and excur- sive imagination—poetic fervor” ‘This, with your Sustimity, which is also heavy, leads you to become enrapt—you ‘live in dreams and revery—you are given to soaring’—that's what you are, I may add that ‘ your name should be written in starry coronals.’” “This is bad for the business,” murmured the young man, “You have the imitative faculty high, also. You are eminently adapted for the drama—” “ From the French.” “*You would astonish and alarm the aujence,’ according to the book.” “T should—I should!” “But your Mirturuuyess is fearful small. You have absolutely no sense of humor.’’ “None.” ; “Wherez your Inpryrpuatity is full. You have good observing powers,” * “So has an owl,” was the subject’s comment. «« What have observing powers got to do with Individuality, anyway ?”” “« They’re down in the book under that head- ing, young man; and it ain't for you nor for me to go to shakin’ up the grand basic truths of phren—” ‘Oh, go ahead!"” interrupted the gentleman on the cuspidor,.: . “Twas going 20:say that I'd ben a-prac- tising on BO Sasi thirty-five eis, and —well, your Form is*very large. You ‘might paint equal to Nature or Zeuxis.’ On Loca.ity you're not so good; still, you seldom get lost —you can generally find your way, That's full—” “ When fall,” said the subject. “Tung—well, tune is large—large a little inclinin’ towards average,” “Thank you,” the young man said meekly, “1 do a little on the harmonicon.” “ Language with you—like me—is only aver- age. You are not very ‘communicative or loquacious on ordinary topics.’ ” “T never say ‘Is it hot enough for you?’ ” “T thought so. Now on Causatity you are huge. You ‘might hold your ground with Webster or Bismarck.’ But mebbe you wouldn't care to. However, you are ‘destined to ‘shine with a more resplendent lustre and loftier flame.’ ”” “Where?” “Hum! Well, Virativeness is big. crave immortality.” ««?Tis false," said the young man, nothing but a larger salary.” “Well, sir, to sum you up, in Suavity you are boss, { don’t want to flatter you, sir; but to get you right down fine, you ARE ADAPTED FOR ASTAR SALESMAN! There!” “And all that for ten cents!" exclaimed the young man. “No, sir,” said the peripatetic. “All that for the sake of the Science. 'Tain’t for lucre I’m goin’ round like this, feelin’ heads for a dime. It’s for the Science. You see before you the fruits of thirty-five years experience. It’s Phrenology herself that’s been making an. example of your head. An’ talkin’ of your head, sir, your hair is dreffle thin—suppose you let me sell you a bottle of this Restorer, war- ranted to—” But just thereabouts he went out. You “I crave comicbooks.com