Puck — August 27, 1879 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 4. ll. 44. AM a very quiet man, T have no taste for idle rambling. T'm moral; and I never can Stand gambling. I worship not the Golden Calf, Contentment dwells within my wicket, Yet now and then I take a half A ticket. Think the names the things enhance: For instance—call keramics pottery— You'd hate them, like that game of chance, The Lottery. Bat I dow’t-say the horrid word— I wrap it up in pretty phrases. It sounds like Autumn noises heard ‘Through azes. I e not gambling—ob, dear, no! “contingent combination.” Guatkcel T wouldn’t hazard so Salvation. I know I’ve staked a lively sum— I scarcely know if I shall clear it. Tve drawn no prize yet—bat I've come Quite near it. ‘Why, once, when the Kant-take-it drew— I think that it was last December— I made five dollars—within two, Remember! I very nearly had it then. ‘And once, in '66 or '7, Ihad 1010, he Prize was 10 n. T think there is no need to laugh. My number's good—I always pick it. ‘You see, it's safe to buy a half A ticket. A NEW DEPARTURE, Tur Dear AND Dump AND THE INSANE TO BE Curep. — Tue Potice DEPARTMENT TO BE Urizeo! § UCK makes a suggestion: The next Le- gislature should amend the charter by onevins the Police Department enlarged Poet et there be a new Bareaatn the, roe Department, the purpose of which wil to restore hearing and speech to the deaf and dumb, and healthy mental acticn to idiots and insane persons. “But how is this to be effected?” inquire the curious and skeptical public? Let us review the premises. In generations past there have been hundreds of instances re- corded of mules kicking deaf and dumb people, sometimes nearly fracturing their skulls, miraculously restoring their faculties of speech and hearing. Idiots have fallen from top story windows, lunatics have been struck with cow- catchers, and reason has been re-enthroned. These wonderful instances are multiplied ad infinitum in the daily and weekly press. Why not try a more human method of accom- plishing the same result ? Why not utilize the police? How much better it would be to tip the patient a gentle clubbing to give him life and light and speech iy pak Besides, consider the pleasure it would rd the liveried manipulator. Further, the method would save a vast amount of time in the school of practice and enable the expert to deal more effectively with patients not afflicted with other misfortunes than mere drunken- ness, and the like. Let the experiment be tried. If a dumb person cannot be readily found the cases of Sprague and Conkling would afford good illu- strations, A careful trial with Count Joannes and G. F. Train would be the best test as to re- storing mental pes there is such a thing as brains at all. Some minds are simply dormant; some completely paralyzed ; and there are said to be cases where there is an utter lack of the mental material, We doubt whether the most vigorous application of the new method would be effective in the latter case, but if faithfully tried and found successful with the individuals above-named, there would be no doubt of curing the most desperate cases. By all means, let the new Bureau be esta- blished at once. We nominate Capt. Williams as the chef of such Bureau! LA CREME DES CHRONIQUES. WHAT THE WITS OF DE BLIN HAVE TO SAY IN THEIR PAPERS. ~ “ Beware of the women,” said a worthy Pére to the hero of many a scandal. “ Yes,” replied the old sinner, “I am always on the lookout for the “What may your age be?” a census-taker asked an unmarried lady who had evidently aco so many seasons that she looked unseason- able, “ Really, sir,” she answered, “I haven't the faintest recollection of my birth, and I don’t believe others’ testimony as to its date.” “Well,” added the impertinent fellow, as he walked away, “if you were younger than you appear to be, I might press you for a definite answer to a question of a different kind.” A Mepicat authority says that Mayor Coup- aire’s lights are unsound, The people of this city discovered that fact long ago, and not by any scientific means, either, “ Huppig, dear,” remarked a loving wife, “I cannot imagine how you manage to live, you eat so lightly at home.” “ My darling, I hope you do not intend to cultivate your imagination ?” Peppter—“ M-a-t-c-h-e-s!"” Gentleman —‘“‘ Matches are made in Hea- Peddler—M-i-n-e a-ien’t.” “Au, Patrice!” said a nobleman to his gar- dener, ‘‘you are watering the flowers too much.” “And, sure, if I gave them liquor,” replied Patrice, who knew that his master was fond of the glass, and. bore nasal evidence of that fond- ness, ‘‘ they might come up gin-blossoms, and I don’t think my lady wants more than one of that kind in the place.” Parrice is looking for a situation; references neither given nor required—by Patrice. Leo C, Evans, Miss ANALINE DE FLukey, at Saratoga— “‘Chawles, why don’t you take a glass of Con- gress?” Chawles:—‘I don’t like mineral water.” Miss de Flukey—‘And if your breath is any criterion, you don’t like the other kind either,” PUCK’S HISTORY OF OIRELAND. (Compiled from the Posthumous Notes of the late Pro. fessor Dennis McBallywhack of Maynooth.) CHAPTER XL. Tue IrisH Exopus—How tHey Exopep— FRANCE—AMERICA—UNTRUSTWORTHY His- ToRIANS—Some Facts. During all these exciting scenes through which the Oirish people were obliged to pass, in order to found a Nation for theniselves, they had naturally been in a great sweat; and after exuding so much they determined to exode, In other words, to imitate the darkeys of future generations and get up a big exodus on their own account. With a truly Oirish logic they seem to have peopled Oireland only to depopulate it; and the devoted love they boast they entertain for Oireland they evinced by leaving it. At first they showed a noble impartiality in their distribution of themselves over the face of the globe; “wan counthry,” they said, “is as good as another, ay, an’ a dom soight betther!” But as years went on there grew up in the Oirish heart a deadly hatred of America and of the institutions upon which this Republic was founded; since which time the Oirish exodus has been almost exclusively directed towards these shores. It is claimed that they have been of great service to the United States; that if they built our jails and almshouses, they filled them also; that if they made our railways, they made them very badly, and arguments like these are held up to prove the patriotism of the Oirish race to America. But, I am proud to say, the facts easily disprove this. In this country Oireland’s exoders have gone into politics. Did the Oirish immigrants into France, Spain, or China, interfere wid the governments of thuse countries? No, begorra; and it was because they were fond of China, Spain and France. Here, on the contrary, they have mixed up in politics to that degree begorra that very many Americans would as soon handle coal-tar as to be mixed up in political matters, In old times it used to be said that every American was a “Colonel;” now, every Irish-American is either an “Assim- blyman” or a “ Sinator”—more power to him! "The Oirish also exoded considerably to Eng- land, but, not being skilled as tamers of wild beasts, they have been kept in some decent subjection by the united efforts of the British lion, the British bull, and the British bull-dog; not to speak of the Unicorn, which the Oirish envy, as wherever. he goes he always has a “horn” handy to his mouth, It has been said that the Oirish also exoded to Germany ; that Gambrinus is only a German spelling of the name Shaun O’Brien; and that even Bismarck himself is Oirish, as may be seen in his fighting propensities; but asthe Germans are famous for getting money and not spendin; it, whereas the Oirish—God bless veml spend money widout getting it, we take it for granted that the Celts, in their exodus, left Germany severely alone, Such is the hatred towards Oireland of con- temporaneous historians that it is difficult to find accurate data as to the actual settlements of the exoders; and even Jules Verne, in his History of the First Empire, omits to state that Napoleon Bonaparte was born in Cork; while as to Christopher Columbus there are those living among us who would rather have him a Dutchman than acknowledge that he was Oirish, However, the Oirish did exode; they will continue to exode, and if their next fancy points to the direction of the North Pole, may success attend them. May they go there in ship-loads, in scow-loads; and, when some future explorer visits the realm of eternal snow and - ice, may he find millions in it, ~ Comicbooks.com