Puck — July 30, 1879 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

824 PUCK. THE NEW SEXTON. (or, THE ‘OLD SEXTON,” WITH ALL THE MOD- ERN IMPROVEMENTS.) GH to a stand where was sold lemonade And fruits, stood a sexton in black arrayed; His brow it was furrowed with thoughts of gain, For he saw in green apples a funeral train; ‘And these words he spoke, with sardonic grin: «How I'll scoop 'em in! How I'll scoop "em int Scoop 'em (chord), Scoop 'em (chord), Scoop "em (chord), How I'll scoop ‘em int «The small boy I'll plant pretty deep, I ween, For ‘tis now the season of all things green, ‘When cholera morbus and cramps abound, ‘And the green-apple biter is put under ground— (Here he smiled as he scratched his fat double chin) — How I'll scoop 'em in! How I'll scoop ’em in! Scoop ‘em (chord), Scoop "em (chord), Scoop em, (chord), How I'll scoop 'em in! «The year rolls around each season, and brings To my feet few small boys donning angels’ wings, But now, as he munches the apples green, My shadow creeps o'er him like a ghost unseen, And, spite of hot-drop, cholera mixture or gin, How I'll scoop 'em int How I'll scoop ’em in! Scoop ’em (chord), Scoop "em (chord), Scoop ’em (chord), How Il scoop ’em in!” M. F. Donovan, LA CREME DES CHRONIQUES. WHAT THE WITS OF DE BLIN HAVE TO SAY IN THEIR PAPERS. A veTERAN, who had just raised from the ranks to be marshal (de la féte de Saint Patrice), stood admiring his newly-purchased horse when a friend approached the soldier. “Behold,” said the latter, ‘what a horse I have here; gaze upon its beautiful tail, and tell me whether you have ever seen anything like it before.” “ Ahem!” replied the citoyen, who was a judge of horse-flesh, and knew that the animal in question had been sold for one hundred francs, ‘‘’tis indeed a pity that such a fine tail should hang from this miserable beast. Perhaps it is all a freak of Dame Nature, who created one tail more than there were horses, and, as hair switches had not come into fashion, she stuck it on your poor brute to get it off her hands," AN artist asked his young model, with whom he was evidently in love, whether posing did not pain her very much, “Ah, Monsieur,” she answered with a smile, “that depends upon the kind, When I pose for you I sometimes have a pain two inches the east side of my breast-bone. If you were to propose for me—well, as you have never made the experiment I cannot say how I should feel.” ae took the hint, and the model is now his wife. A coupLe of gargons, home for the vacation, attended a temperance meeting. As they were leaving the after the exercises one said to the other: “Tama convert to the) principles of Tem- rance ; and so infernally dry that the moment get out of this sweat-box, I will drink a cognac to their success.” POLICE RECORD FOR THE WEEK ENDING JULY 26tn, 1879, Jury 21sr, 1879, \\Y WILLIAM BROWN, ff oF 420 Fourtu Avenue, By PATROLMAN TROLMAN CLINTON HELD IN 8500 Bai, Boy Me. Justice Kner sas rie ‘Trans ov re Punic, “The Finest in the World.” “What a pretty little foot you have, Made- moiselle,” said an old beau to a young lady he had been introduced to only an hour before. “Ab,” she replied, with a provoking giggle and in a mocking voice, ‘what a pretty big foot you have, Monsieur. You shall not outdo me in compliments.” Although Monsieur thinks her a very vulgar ill-bred girl, he has his trousers cut wide and fastened to his shoes to conceal the misplaced prodigality of Nature, Scene in an Art Gallery. Subject, a painting entitled: “Mist on the Mountains.” Each connaisseur is supposed to be alone when he makes his comment. 1st Art critic—It is beautiful! ad Art critic—It is barbarous! 3d Art critic—A masterpiece! 4th Art critic—A daub! sth Art critic—It has finish. 6th Art critic—It lacks tone. qth Art critic—It has depth. 8th Art critic—It has no depth. ic—A work of genius! You will not be surprised to learn that ‘Mist on the Mountains” was awarded the first prize by a commission composed of the above gen- tlemen. Leo C. Evans, EXTREMES MEET. Many a youth’s been childish called Solely, ofttimes, because he's bawled; Then, as the years have onward rolled, Because he’s bald he’s been called old. MATRIMONIAL. This is too much! We do dislike to intrude our ‘avase avairs upon our readers wut these incorrigible newspa- Pers have forced it upon us. We didn’t mind it when they credited the Prince of Sham- katka, the Grand Duke of Sasse Hege, and in turn every marriageable male member of the royal families of Europe, with matrimonial designs upon her, but when they begin to couple her name with that of the husband of her lately deceased sister, thus insinuating that second-hand is good enough for her, by George and the Dragon, we must speak out! It was one of our full-dress portraits that did the business, She saw it, and the heart that princes had stormed in vain knuckled under at once, Guelph’s consent was necessary, of course, but you can just wager your undermost doubloon she was delighted at the chance of marrying off one of her daughters into a family whose pedi- gree is as clear as it ever was. ‘The necessary official preliminaries are being arranged, and the cards will soon be out. We have purchased a razor and have been shaving three times a day, but the hair is obsti- nate and won’t come. It is mortifying; but then if we haven't a moustache, neither has Beatrice. That is, we trust not. N.B.—Please not to send any silver ladles. SYMPATHY. You ask why yonder horse don’t go; Should he neglect his driver’s whoa?