Puck — April 30, 1879 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

118 PUCK. POEMS OF PLACES. GUMBLETON'S PLACE. 11, man! dream not your time away in bed! Lest, while you sleep and snore, ‘Trusting to fastened door, Mayhap the very thing you chiefly dread: Clad in his robe de nuit ‘The Judge may rise, you see, ‘And your successor into office swear; ‘And then clerk Thompson's clan May hasten ev'ry man, ‘And reach the office by the cellar stair. LOEW'S PLACE. ‘Tis good when you find you're in fault To humbly confess that you're wrong; ‘Tis hard thus to turn somersault, But your place to yourself will belong. NICHOLS'S PLACE, I was chief of the sweeping bureau, I kept the streets clean—as you know— But the Mayor, he told me to go. ‘And now it remains to be seen If your streets can be kept half as clean By the chief, which his name is McLean. PINCKNEY'S PLACE. Oh, the General Term may prate, But it’s gone beyond its power. I’m a judge! I'm a judge! But it’s not of whiskey straight: I'ma judge! I'm a judge! Bat it's not of whisky soi Yet I'm thrown for drinking straight, Or I’m thrown for drinking sour. Judge Robinson dies; To his place, which is nice, Miles Beach quickly hies. SMITH’S PLACE. Rataplan! Rataplan! I’m a military man! And I've watched o'er this town as a soldier only can, Yet it's my sad hour, For I'm turned out of power, Rataplan! How could the Mayor do it, And Governor review it ? How could they send adrift military man? Rataplan! Rataplan! I'ma military man! ERHARDT'S PLACE. Of course, as every one must know, When I did to the Mayor show How swift police abuses grow, I knew that I was bound to go. II, W. SitorTMAs. WHO UNABRIDGED WEBSTER? Editor Puck: Sir—It is a palpable fact that there are my- riads of persons in this country who exist on what they steal from their neighbors. This accusation is not based on “‘substantial” theft, but on the system of literary theft, plagiarism, misrepresentation, or whatever else you might term it. /, my dear Puck, am a long suffering complainant, and a modest sense of injured in- nocence has alone prevented me from crying out for justice long ere this; but recent and most unjust thrusts at my immediate pride ren- der vindication necessary. To begin with, my connection with the in- stitution of that huge tome of knowledge, viz., Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, has been very closely questioned, nay, even doubted, by would-be skeptics. I now wish to submit the facts and receive the approbation of the wise. I would underline the record that Mr. Eli Per- kins’s opinion or criticism will not be regarded. Many winters ago, much farther back than would be safe for the minds of the present gen- eration to wander alone, Mr, Webster sent for me, and after some desultory conversation re- marked: “ Your late suggestion concerning the build- ing of a word catalogue has much impressed me, and I think we had better get it up.” I assented, and we parted, each with the self-imposed task of hunting up all the words that could be obtained. We were several weeks engaged in the col- lection, and then our next herculean labor was the assorting and remodeling of our acquisi- tions, Why, sir, we had to re-form about one half of the mongrel means of every day com- munication; for instance, a party to whom I applied said, ‘ Yes, I can give you a new word: ‘varnished,’ but ‘don't give it away.’ Well, “varnished " I had heard of, but ‘don’t give it away’ was a new amalgamation, which I boiled down to ‘donate.’ It has doubtless been a source of regret to the public that the Dictionary has no “index.” That was not my fault. I urged on Mr, Web- ster at the time the necessity for an index, as without one people who were indifferent spell- ers would be at a loss where to look for any certain word. J wrote the preface and the first half of the book from A to M, and also named many of the animals and objects illus- trated in the back of the volume. Some persons have sarcastically hinted that I invented some of the “ Flags of Nations;” but I did not—not one, I want credit only for what I really did. The Latin quotations so popular to-day were mainly composed by me, and many of the French as well. In fact, the latter were considered so faultless by the French themselves, that they are as an entirety used and spoken in France to-day. There are other things that I might speak of, but I will charitably hold my peace. I ought not, however, neglect to say that the hints and slight aid I gave Mark Twain towards the rear- ing of his best books was too trivial to merit remark, ‘‘ Now let the galled jace wince.” Yours, Lem E. C. FITZNOODLE IN AMERICA. LXXXVI. PAROLE’S VICTORIES, Ya-as aw, it’s quite a baw, the fwightful wow the majorwity of the Amerwican_fellaws are making about a wace-horse which has been permitted towin twoor thrwee waces on Bwitish wacc-courses, Aw it's d-d-doosid widiculous to he-ah everwywhere fellaws talking about this verwy twivial mattah, and, I think, extwemely bad form. Besides, if they only had something to be demonstwative about, I might be inclined to make some allowances for the mannahs of fel- laws bwought up in a new countwy, just aw, as Jacks says, getting out of leading stwings. But the weal twuth is that this extwaordinarwy ani- mal—aw Parwole, I believe, is the name—was born by accident in this countwy. His male parwent came dirwect fwom Gweat Bwitain, and he had an English twainer, and was wid- den by an English jockey. ‘Therefore I think it inappwopwiate for the Amerwican people to call Parwole’s performances Wepublican vic- torwies, Wace-horses must be bwed in this countwy for a numbah of centurwies befaw they can pwopahly be considered as of Amerwican par. wentage, ‘The inhabitants of this Wepublic are always in such a desperwate hurwy to be pwoud about any sort of thing of this kind that may be done —no mattah how indiwectly it may be con. nected with the countwy. The people seem only too glad to get an op- portunity of doing something that will make them wespectable in the eyes of the world, and are not very particular if they have to hire for- weigners, whom they are then verwy desirwous of calling Amerwicans, to obtain the cwedit faw them, A fellaw named Lorwillard is the ownah of this animal Parwole, He is weputed to have made a pwodigious numbah of gweenbacks in twade, by pweparwing and offering to the popu- lace generwally, varwious descwiptions of to- baccah aw, snuff, cigarwettes and othah smok- ing materwials, wapped up, ye know, in fwac- tional parts of an ounce packages, and aw— had almost forgot—Pwince’s Mixture.” Some sort of snuff, yer know. Aw awfully stwange that a fellaw in twade should be able to accumulate large amounts of money in such an inferwiah business, and by selling such verwy twifling quantities, Must have had a twemendous lot of patience. I don’t think Jack and I could have waited for such a long perwiod to get so much wealth by degwees, in ordah to wejoice in the luxurwy of the possession of wace-horses and othah parwa- phernalia of the same charwactah, Quite too much of a baw; although its a d-d-devilish good feachaw in Lorwillard’s composition, Shows he has some gwit—a thing I invarwiably admire in cweatures of this stamp. Ya-as, and these victorwies are capital adver- tisements faw Lorwillard’s packages of cigar- wettes and tobaccah, and I he-ah he has we- solved on manufacturwing a new bwand to be called the “ Parwole.” But aw, ’pon me soul, cahn’t help admirwing the fellaw faw his shrewdness in hitting upon the easicst method of getting some amount of wespect among the wight set—our set, ye know Gweat Bwitain. They wathah appweciate successful sports- men, even if they are wetired twadesmen, or keep a shop where smoker's materwials are sold ovah the countah. Lorwillard would pwobably be placed in the categorwy of brewers, or perwhaps a twifle lowah, Shouldn’t be at all surpwised to he-ah that his female welations will soon be pwesented to the aw Queen, aw. APRIL ASININITY. Wasuincton, D. C., Apr. 17th, ’79. To the Editor of Puck: Sir—Allow me to present you with another of my infernal compositions. Very truly, &c., TO BE OR NOT TO BE SHAK: WHAT'S THE MATT Wasunctos, D. C., Apr. 17th, "79. Editor of Puck: Sir—Can a. b. c, in the dark, and is she d.e.f.? Everybody knows how patiently she will (as the Hon. Bardwell Slote would say) g. hij. kl m. no. po gens. tu. ve WX Yo z.—(gather honey in June, knowing little mod- est native odorous posies—queenly roses search- ing through—upon vine-clad walls *xtracting yellow, 200)-logical gardens trying too. Waxing heavy, home returning, glad to put it into— well!—what the above is no/—a cell. Yours, Matne-lac.