Puck — March 12, 1879 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. THRENODY. I've a letter from thy sire, Mary Ann, Mary Ann; And he's just as mad as fire, Mary Ann, Mary Ann! And he says if I come nigher, That he'll raise me ten times higher Than the German Methodist spire, Mary Ann, Mary,Ann! If to win thee I aspire, Mary Ann! Oh, I dread to see his fa-hace Mary Ann, Mary Ann; For I know he'll give me cha-hase, _ Mary Ann, Mary Ann! He will waltz me round the room, He will fart me with the broom, Yes, I safely may assume, Mary Ann, Mary Ann! That he'll fire me out the roo-hoom, Mary Ann! I'm so scared I cannot slee-heep, Mary Ann, Mary Ann; For I'm struck all of a hee-heap, Mary Ann, Mary Ann! He is coming after me! Blood in both his eyes I see, Oh, wherever shall I flee-hee ? Mary Ann, Mary Ann! He will make it hot for me-he, Mary Ann! —Burlington Hawkeye, Wuen bed-time comes, and curtains fall, And round I go the doors to lock, Ere lamps go out my wife doth call, «Remember, dear, to wind the clock.” When boots are off, and for the day All irksome cares seem put to rout, T hear wife's voice from dreamland say, “* Be sure you put the kitten out.” When stretched between the sheets I lie, And heavy lids have ceased to wink, From trundie-bed there comes a cry, “I want a dwink! I want a dwink!" —Chicago Tribune. Cuinaman him no lazy, slee— Blizzy ailee samee bee; Melican loafee allee day longee. Hate slee Chinaman blizzy so— Melican man him welly muchee stlongee— Melican man say Chinaman go! Melican him say Chinaman go— Melican jokee Chinaman go— Chinamaf washee collar, shirtee, Washee neckytlie, sockee, coatee— Him no sabe washee hurtee— Melican man heap likee votee! —St. Louis Times-Journal. A scamp pulls diamonds from a foolish woman's ears; And Justice locks him up in jail for twenty years, An Angell steals a hundred thousand. And what then? The most th’ impartial law can do is jail for ten. The woman-puller is adjudged the worst of- fender; The Pull-man rogue is only half as bad as Pender. —FPhila, Bulletin, Never believe the praise which is bestowed upon you in the vicinity,of a sample room.— X.Y. Star. Tue thoughtful tramp observes that half a glass of whiskey is better than no bread. — XV. O. Picayune. AN Illinois family has died from the effects of eating pork. Even when dead the hog appears to have no manners.—Phila. Kronikle-Frerald, A BOOK-AGENT was knocked down by a street car the other day, and two wheels passed over his cheek. The car is laid up pending repairs. —S. F. Wasp. Tuere is a bare possibility of the Can-can becoming the popular dance at Government balls in Ottawa. It's necks to it already.— Toronto Gossiper. Wun Brother Talmage asks: ‘What are the churches doing for humanity?” it answers: “Don’t know—we're busy—ask Bro, Beecher.” —Keokuk Constitution. CoNTENTMENT may be better than riches; but if any one wants to will us half a million dollars, we'll take the chances on contentment. —Detroit Free Press. A Ganc of desperadoes near Yuma have hit upon the righteous way of stealing. They travel in a goach and rob all the highwaymen whom they meet.— Rochester Express. Tue arrival of a New York Puck in a house- hold or business office is always the sign for a sensation and quarrel over which shall have it first.— Chicago Evening Journal. ‘Twere is no use of talking, the busy whirligig of trade has to stop in this locality when a countrywoman prepares to climb out of a high spring wagon.— Wheeling Leader, Nor that he has performed wonders in chem- istry, or anything of that sort, but wouldn’t it be a good idea to dub Perkins the Barren Lie- big of America ?— Yonkers Gazette. Suppose that the wearing of colored stock- ings does poison and cause the death of ‘hun- dreds of women. Are not second marriages often happy ?—Detroit Free Press. Peruaps bank failures would be less numerous if the managers of the institutions could manage not to hold a full-hand against four of a kind, when they played poker.— Fulton Times. CoLonet Tuomas Scort, president of the Pennsylvania railroad, is sailing up the Nile just now, and if he gets well it will be a sort of Pennsylvanian Nile well.— Detroit Free Prees. An exchange says ‘Miss Emma Abbott sings in a $25,000 necklace.” We trust the halls are kept well heated, otherwise little Emma might take cold.— Baltimore Every Saturday. _ We axe sorry that the Senate didn’t pack David Davis full of camphor before it ad- journed. It would be terrible if the moths got into him this summer.— Phila. Kronikle-Herald. Mr. Epison races and romps all over the house with his children, ‘like a squirrel,” so it is said. But the perfection of the electric light languishes, nevertheless,— New Haven Register, Tue man who dodges behind his newspaper when a lady enters the crowded car is the man who piously hates a hireling ministry and refuses to pay his pew rent on principle. — A/bany Argus. Stantey, while away down in Central Africa, discovered one or two tribes so hopelessly, des- pairingly, supremely ignorant, that they didn’t know much more than a petit jury.— Burlington Hawkeye. .TuE following m e was intercepted by thé Washington Posts To R. B Hayes: You dlam good man to John Chi-hinaman, but make heap foolee of selfee. Hop Sinc.”— Boston Post. Instgap of investing thirty-five thousand dollars in écarté, as was done recently in Eng- land, how much better if a portion of it had been put in a horse and cart, hey?—Buffalo Every Saturday. “An old head on young shoulders” is a very trite saying, which was reversed by old Buffer the other day, when he took the hired girl in his arms and she laid her head on his shoulder. —San Francisco Wasp. THE generous young fellow was somewhat surprised when he asked his heart’s idol if she could just swing on all the jewelry she desired, what kind would she prefer ?—and she answered —“a gate.”"—Syracuse Sunday Times. “A MANDAMUS,” says the Albany Argus, “thas been served upon Secretary of State Beach.” Pshaw, a day scarcely passes that we don’t have more than one mandamus for some- thing we have published.— Whitehall Times. In one more month we'll have the rose, Of love a true reminder, And, be it said, we'll also have The festive organ-grinder— With monkey attachment. —New York Star. Wuen the head of the household arrives home at night and observes his oldest boy hanging his head in a corner, he is prepared to learn that he has broken the best vase in the house in carly practice for the base-ball season. — Mew Haven Register. 5 An Irishman who couldn’t get his money deposited with one high in the Church, was asked why he didn’t appeal to the See. ‘‘ The Say? So { would,” replied Pat, with a twinkle in his eye, ‘if it was the Cash-payin’ Say.” — Cin, Saturday Night. An exchange says that ‘ Eli Perkins knows more in one minute than some editors know in two hours and a half.” ‘ The editor who wrote this is badly off, but evidently knows what he is talking about. It is not for us to dispute his word.— Rome Sentinel. THere was an old man in Montana At one gulp tried to gorge a banana; It stuck in his throat, And he straightway did float To the beautiful land of Hosanna. —M.Y. Star. “Tue young ladies of Buda-Pesth design their own dresses, and the more ancient they seem to be, the more fashionable is the young lady considered.” How very fashionable the young lady must be that dates her costume back to the garden of Eden.—_New Haven Re- gisler, 3 ‘Tue traffic in eggs in thiscountry is estimated, by competent authorities, to equal $150,000,000 per annum. New York receives in a single year 30,000 barrels, about one-fourth of which are rather tumultuously presented to the Count Joannes when he assumes Shaksperean roles. —WNorristown Herald, Remark of severe parent to blooming daugh- ter upon discovering that one of the legs of the big chair in the parlor had been broken the Sunday evening previous: “I wish you to un- derstand, Susan, that this chair was constructed with a view to the accommodation of one per- son at a time, and has not the strength and scarcely the capacity for two.”— Newark Call, Atcorpinc to a Newburgh judge you must convict the liquor for being intoxicating before you can convict the man for selling it, because the Court (2 Brown, 342, and 9 Smith, 211) is not bound to take notice that the liquor sold was (7 Jones, 615) that sort of a liquor (5 Robinson, 82). Meanwhile the man (Hic, 714) who drank the liquor was licking his wife with a young maple tree (4 Equity Reports, 917).—. Y. Herald.