Puck — March 5, 1879 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. PERFUME. ‘AM the spirit of wooded steep, I roam at will through quiet dells, ‘And find pale palaces of sleep In lilybells. i I steal o'er beds of balmy moss Where erst the silvery brooklet ran; T’'m charmed while hiding in the floss - Of Laura's fan. I dwell on airs of precious ease {1 trast this will be understood); I'm loved by humming-birds and bees And Clara Hood. I shrink from gusts of rain and storm In some blush-rose’s bosom gay; Full oft I stray through gardens warm Ia far Cathay. Some fond Sultana’s‘curls of gold I kiss, and steal through cloudland’s tents; In bottles I am often sold For fifty cents. Through orchard aisles I gayly flow, Iam a shy, coquettish elf, And really this is all I know ‘About myself. R. K. Munxittrick, A CHARITY. (i must be growing obvious to the dullest intellect that the usual ‘uttle dodges by which our great American prima-donnas —both of the theatre and the opera—seek to give themselves a little extra-professional ad- vertising, are about played out. One cannot help seeing that it will no longer do for Mme. di Murska and Modjeska, Countess Bozenta, to get their diamonds burgled in the same week; or for Miss Clara Morris to suffer her sgoth runaway just as Mme. Marie Réze announces her initial equine adventure. There is an ab- solute need of novelty in this line. The dearth of originality displayed in the star advertising business is positively painful. Rignold, Scott- Siddons, Marie Roze, Clara Morris, Minnie Hauk, Etelka Gerster—all play the same old diamond racket, the eternal, tiresome old bur- glary, that has long ago palled .on the public’ taste. Something new must be done. We will do it. If there is no one else to shoulder the re- sponsibility, Puck will take it upon himself. He has carefully considered the subject, and he has, with great care, arranged a system of formulas for advertising, adapted to the needs of our various stellar attractions, which he hereby places at the service of all popular stars. It will be observed that each special form is especially adapted to the needs of particular individuals; thereby introducing a highly ar- tistic element hitherto unknown to the business. FORM A. Mme. ****##*, the charming cantatrice, was the victim of a most extraordinary accident on Saturday last. While passing out of the thea- tre in Keokuk, Iowa, her long and luxurious hair became entangled in the drag-rope of a balloon which had just ascended from the pub- lic square in the same town; and it was not until she had been carried over two churches and the City Hall that she was rescued by the heroic efforts of a young man of the highest social position in Keokuk, who courageously ascended a barber’s pole and with his penknife severed one silky curl from the head of the lovely singer. It is rumored that the young gentleman, whose name is well known to many of our readers, is the victim of a hopeless at- tachment to the angelic creature it was his good fortune to rescue from an agonizing death. [Suitable for a prima donna of Her Majesty's Hopera Company; or dramatic star of the first magnitude. Will not do for readers or lec- ae Color and style of hair should be filled in, FORM B. A remarkable instance of presence of mind and sustained fortitude is afforded by the mar- velous exploit of Miss ******, chronicled in our New Jersey exchanges. It appears that this lovely lady, who had just been playing a most successful engagement in the town of South Brickville, had retired to rest in her apartments in the ***#* Hotel [chance to ring in supplementary puff of landlord], when she was awakened by a buzzing sound in her very ear. Rising and lighting the lamp, the brave actress found herself confronted by a Jersey mosquito of the largest size, and of a most ferocious aspect. To snatch a slat from the bed was the work of a moment—one vigorous blow, and the monster lay weltering in his gore. Then, without calling her attendant, who was sleeping in the next room, Miss ***** retired to her bed, and slept calmly and sweetly until morning. We need scarcely remind our read- ers that the profession to which the heroine of this marvelous adventure belongs is one distin- guished for its courage under trying circum- stances; and it certainly can boast no worthier member than the adorable star of the ***** Combination, [Good for leading ladies traveling with their own companies. Especially useful for big and comparatively unattractive women. Excellent opportunity to notice maker of noiseless bed- bottom. Or poker may be substituted for slat as weapon, with mention of hardware manufac- turer.] FORM C. ‘The finger of fate seems to pursue America’s favorite fragedienne, Miss *****, wherever she goes. The Lady Macbeth of the period is at present confined to her bed in the **** Hotel, having been seriously injured by a most dis- tressing and unusual accident, which occurred on Tuesday of last week. Miss **#** had just returned from a rehearsal of Lucretia Borgia, and was about to ascend the broad flight of stairs leading from the palatial marble vestibule of the popular hotel favored by her presence, when she caught her foot in the balusters, and suddenly fell up the entire flight, landing with great force on the second story. Mr. ****, the affable soanages of the hotel, says that no simi- lar disaster has ever come under his notice; and from a man of his vast experience in the business this may be accepted as conclusive. Our readers will be pleased to learn that Miss ##29%'s condition is improving. [Good for middle-aged ladies in the heavy line. Special rates should be made for the no- tice of the hotel-clerk.] : FORM D. Ir is not generally known that in early life Miss *****, the loveliest of /udiets, was the he- roine of a most thrilling romance. In her childhood the beautiful Shaksperian artiste lived in a retired street in Cincinnati. Next door dwelt an old man who had at one time been a traveling showman, and the proprietor of a large menagerie. In his old age the re- tired zodlogist, unable to sever entirely his con- nection with his former profession, kept in his back-yard a huge and venerable giraffe, the only solace of his declining years. Miss *****'s room was in the rear of her father’s house, and as she sat at her window on pleasant afternoons, she frequently observed the large dark eyes of the noble animal fixed upon her with an ex- pression of pathetic intelligence. Wrapped up in her own sweet innocence, the future orna- ment of the stage attached but little signifi- cance to this extraordinary incident. Years ed on, and the frail and delicate girl grew into a blooming woman.. One night as she slept the light and refreshing slumber of purity and peace, she was awakened by the sound of breaking glass. Scarcely daring to move, she half opened her eyes, and saw, by the silvery glimmer of the moon, a gigantic head slowly coming in through the fractured sash. The chilly perspiration burst forth upon her marble brow; but with wonderful nerve she remained silent. ‘The head gradually approached her; and bending gently over her, deposited a ten- der kiss upon the velvety lips now blanched by terror; and then, without uttering a sound, withdrew. When the morning dawned, the neighbor's giraffe was found stretched upon the stones of the back-yard, cold in death, with his neck extended to its utmost extent. Miss #8828 is now filling an engagement at the #4948 Theatre. [Very strong, and should’ be used with ex- treme discretion, Most useful in distant up- country ci Where absolutely necessary, the giraffe may be made an elephant; in which case the advertisee sleeps in the basement.] FORM E, A delightful bit of repartee is attributed to Miss *###*, the pretty ingénue of the **#** ‘Theatre. This lady, who is quite famous for her keen wit and brilliant conversational pow- ers, was recently conversing, in the pauses of the rehearsal, with Mr, *****, the well-known journalist, and author of the new play an- nounced for immediate production at this fav- orite temple of comedy. “Miss *###*," said the gentleman (who is quite a humorist in his way), “I believe your ambition is to play leading business ?” “My dear sir,” responded the fair sou- brette— What the fair soubrette responded will be found in Puck’s ‘ Prima Donna's Own Puffist, and Star’s Vade Mecum,” to be published in a few weeks. ‘This valuable work will contain full and specific formulas for the gratuitous ad- vertisement of stars and local favorites of every grade, of which formulas the above are a few samples, chosen at random. The book has been prepared with the greatest care, under the editorial supervision of one of the best known and most experienced advance agents in the country; and the extremely low price—s5o0 cents—will put it within the reach of all. In connection with the above, we are re- quested to publish the following communica- tion, just recived from the original boss orphan of the famous brace: “Two OrPHANs? CoMBINATION, Ox THE Roan, March tst, '79. } I hereby warn any and all persons, stars, prima donnas, variety artists and others, from infringing upon my own private patented sys- tem of CONFLAGRATION ADVERTISEMENT, which was invented, developed and duly copy- righted by me. All imitators will be prose- cuted to the full extent of the law. The public is warned to accept no counter- feits. Look for my name and trademark (regis- tered) on the genuine article. [Signed.] K. Cuaxton, Inventrix and Patentee.