Puck — February 19, 1879 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. & WHAT WE EAT AND DRINK. LTHOUGH some of the greatest men who ever lived, and wrote, or fought, or painted, or sculped, were most un- pleasantly dyspeptic men, and their domestic circus must have been a little 1" to themselves and their sisters, their cousins, and their aunts; nevertheless, a wise government should see to it that its people have the mens sana in the cor- pore sano. But whether it is that our government is not wise, or that it thinks dyspepsia and general health a sort of democratic road to learning and mental force, certain it is that little effort —and no concentrated effort—has yet been made in this country to inspect the food we eat and the fluids which we drink, and insist upon it that milk shall not be diluted chalk; that coffee shall not be chicory; and that our beef shall not be putrid. And it is therefore that we add our forces to those of the Governor in calling attention to the iniquities of which the purveyors of “What We Eat and Drink” are guilty, Recently the culchah of Boston had its calm pulse somewhat accelerated by the information that it ate tumeric for mustard; that it put acids for vinegar on its baked bean; that the flourwhich powdered its fish-ball was plaster-of- Paris; that black pepper was half soot; that its butter was very ancient and rancid fat; that its bread puffed up and grew white with alum; and that the glass which cheers and then ine- briates was swimming with creosote, benzine, strychnine, logwood and other pretty chemi- cals which are much more Apropos to the la- boratory than to the dinner table after the cloth is removed. But the quickened pulse of culchah’d Boston did not quicken. the pulse of the nation, until recent action in England and Canada touched the American pocket. Our exporting beef- trade was threatened and something must be done, Pleuro-pneumonia must be burnt out though the Heavens fall; and incidentally the Boards of Health were kind enough to say that our babies shall not die unnaturally through diseased milk, but shall be preserved for nice little graves which come naturally when the plumber plumbs scarlet-fever and diphtheria through our houses. But there be others of us more mature who don’t desire to drink copperas with our tea; nor sip pulverized mahogany with our morning coffee; we mildly protest against the sauces } of our competent cook concealing the utter nastiness of the beef he serves us. In point of fact, if we are to live (or die) on adulterated food, we ask as our inherent right, that we be told what we are eating and drinking. We want our purveyors to label their delicacies and plainly let us know that we are buying “swill- milk, with stable-drippings and a strong infu- sion of pneumonia;” or “ verdigris chow-chow and Piccalilli, warranted strong; or “ prime pork, with the best breed of trichinz, at no advance over old prices; or “ best W. I. su- gar and sand, A great saving to housekeepers, as they can keep their tin-ware bright by pre- serving the sediments of their tea-cups.” It used to be popularly supposed that a man eats a peck of dirt before he dies; but the wildest fancies of the theorists never grasped the idea ‘that a man cou/d live with a cart-load of carboys of chemicals in his stomach. Yet that is what the American people are ca- pable of doing. And we hope that when the stomach of the next man who is murdered by his wife is searched by Dr. Ogden Doremus for the potent arsenic, that great analyst will con- tinue his search and let the world know what the unfortunate man had, himself, been putting innocently into himself, in the way of what he ate and drank, and for which his milkman, his stocer and his butcher added figures to their ik accounts. A slower way of poisoning, Messrs Presi- dents, Governors, Mayors, Aldermen and Com- missioners, but quite as deathly sure, and much more unpleasantly lingering in the long-drawn- out agony than the quicker way of a potent and sudden dose. We have Custom-Houses to protect our reve- nue; wouldn’t it be well to have a National Quarantine to keep impure, adulterated and diseased food out of the National Stomach? i spent in making glue, Mr. P. Cooper, of this city, has, without any fault of his, suddenly been made a lawyer. ‘That is, he has been made a Doctor of Laws, which, we suppose, makes him more of a lawyer than lawyers generally are. The certificate of his elevation to this high pinnacle of glory was read so indistinctly by the official intrusted to promulgate the same to a listening world (owing to a bronchial affec- tion), that neither Mr. P. Cooper nor the repor- ters were able to catch it. And consequently Mr. P. Cooper could not reply to the same. It is Puck's pride and glory to say that he has received both the text of the address in hog-Latin, and Mr. P. Cooper’s reply in English. PAPA! Ap Petrum CooperuM, Eneu! Evoe! Vace! Er cateral! Integer vite. Scelerisque puer. Cuarta Docroritus Lecum. COOPER, LL.D. PTER eighty-eight years of a useful life Petrus Cooper, tu quoque Tityre, et nos mutamur cum Glue. Nunc, tuncque et alias. Cushion de l’air est hic, hac hoc, et hujus, propria to maribus, cum hem—ahem! Nunc dixit Cooperus Institutio Cooperi mustibus be builtibus, mit greenbacks. Voglio averlo, costi quanto si voglia. ‘Tunc dixit Cooperus dem peutifool lines Cooper sedet at a hole Intentus he cum omne soul Prendere cash, K. T. L. Cooper, tu es MacisTER Lecum — quoque Doctor of the same. Prenez your air-cushion et squat! Shingle tin kannst be elevé over doorum tui. Che sara, sara, [Seal] Polly Glott, Signed, Repiy oF Mr. P. Cooper. Well, I d’n know, but I think I cud answer that 'ere specch in better lating than that’s writin, ‘Though I never studied Lating, I'd wager none of you can tell me the Lating for Glue. Now, I make’a quality of Glue—but no matter. About the Cooper Institute. Well, I suppose I scrimped and saved—but about green- backs, Now, what I want is Greenbacks for every- body. Iwant the poor man to make his own Greenbacks; then how happy he would be and his sisters, his cous—well, dear, I forbear. Many good men are hungry now-a-days, because they have no money. How fat they might be were a generous Government to allow every voter to have a-greenback machine in his house. And now, as to the possibilities in the future of the air-cushion—what, love? Yes, dear! It is suggested, my friends, that I had better stop here, and we'll go into the dining-room and RULES IN RHYMES FOR NEW YORKERS, ou When off the L road you pass, Drop your ticket in the box of glass, Or the surly gateman won't permit you to advance, Neither you nor your sisters nor your cousins nor your aunts, Discretion, The gilded youth who is sage When he meets in a Broadway stage A maiden whose beauty doth his soul entrance, Doesn't introduce his sisters and his cousins and his aunts, Tue Diasouicat Driver. When you travel in a Bobtail Cair, In the box you must drop your fair, And don’t annoy the driver with ill-bred taunts, Or good-bye to your sisters and your cousins and your aunts, Pepat Potisu. If your boots of mud show a sign, You'd better go and get a shine; Then reach five cents from the pocket of your “ pahnts,” And go home to your sisters and your cousins and your aunts. Stace Etiquette, On the Omnibus, when you go 'p, Get your change in an envelope; And look out for the fellow who the stages haunts, To pass fare for your sisters and your cousins and your aunts, CONVERSAZIONE, When you sit in a barber’s chair For a shave and a cut-your-hair, The only thing to do is to fall in a trance, And be spared to your sisters and your cousins and your aunts. . Impecunious GALLANTRY. ‘The youth who is up to snuff Makes sure he has cash enough, When he goes into fashionable restaurants, Not to fear to meet his sisters and his cousins and his aunts. f Anti-Murpuy, When you go for your Sunday -beer, First see that the coast is clear, Then go through the side-door and take your “chance Of evading your sisters and your cousins and your aunts, D. T. Pull the knob down thrice for fire, Or twice if a copp you desire; But once if a messenjair you wants, To send to your sisters or your cousins or your aunts. “THe Finest—EtTCErERa.” If your house is robbed at night— Well, we really don’t know quite How to get the gay policeman whom nothing daunts, To take care of your sisters and your cousins hev a little wine.” and your ants, comicbooks.com